Friday, January 29, 2010

A negative test...and HOPE


So the last 2 weeks I haven’t been motivated or focused on anything...I didn’t really understand why until today when I was taking a shower[that’s the place I think the most...I don’t know why it just is]. So lately, I’ve been having some female problems...I waited for about a month before I called the doctor[which was last week]. When I talked to the nurse, she said first you need to take a pregnancy test and if’s it’s negative then you need to schedule an appoitment to come in. Also before I called, I was talking to a few friends about what was going on and they all said you may be pregnant...Well, I don’t know why I EVEN intertainned that thought but for about 3 hours[until I took the test] I couldn’t get it out of my mind...I thought about every possible thing even down to what the nursery would look like....DANGEROUS. Of course, it was negative and my HOPES were crushed. 
Since then, I’ve been in this fog and haven’t really put the pieces together until today...I’ve wanted nothing to do but watch tv[because I don’t have to think]...I’ve procrastinated on a lot of work that needs to be done.....I haven’t been as focused on eating healthy and exercising...and I haven’t wanted to really pray about our circumstances...I just wanted to do absolutely nothing...

Well, today I was really convicted about my sin...You see even though I KNOW that having children won’t make me happy or fully satisfy me sometimes it’s easy for me to believe that. I am so BLESSED...I have a wonderful home, healthy family, great support from family and friends, a job, food...Everything that I NEED...BUT the one thing I WANT is to hold my child. I read an article the other night about a couple who were unable to get pregnant and for 25 YEARS...did you catch that? 25 YEARS they went through all types of fertility medicine. The husband said in the interview that every time the procedures failed it took 10-11 months to get over and that the last 25 years of their life was a living hell. It made me really sad when I read it....BUT sometimes I do the same thing. I get so down and discouraged about where we are at...and at times feel like I have no hope. BUT the TRUTH is the Lord really does have a perfect plan for us. No, He hasn’t called us to be parents yet....BUT He’s calling us right now to so many other things. What WE WANT is to be parents....What HE WANTS is for us to seek Him with our whole heart, trust in His guidance and plan, and believe and KNOW that He is good. He wants obedience....My flesh wants only what I can see.....

So even though I’m really struggling right now, I still have HOPE. AND I have so many people praying for me and Kaz daily, and encouraging us as we go through this hard journey. 

My hands are raised high while I pray this prayer:
Ephesians 3:20 
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...

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3 comments:

beth said...

Oh it is convicting for me to even read this. I have been in a funk for this past week too! Praying and hoping with you! Glad we all go to hang out tonight!

carissa said...

such a bitter sweet post. it is beautiful to see you taking your pain to the Lord and Him in turn giving you peace and hope in the midst of this. love ya!

Faith said...

Beautifully said, Amy. Praying Eph. 3:20 in faith with you. HE IS ABLE!!!