An all too familiar phone call….

It was New Years Day, Kaz and I were in St. Louis with his family at the movie theater watching The Blind Side. When we left the theater I checked my phone and had a missed call/voicemail from a friend…I checked the voicemail…Kaz asked who it was and my first reaction was “She’s pregnant”. The voicemail made no mention of that, but I just knew….deep down I knew. So I called my friend and I was right she is pregnant (and I’m really happy for her)…. BUT this type of phone call is all too familiar. You see in the last year, I’ve had 12 friends tell me they were pregnant. Most of them have been phone calls, a few in person. My first reaction every time is tears streaming down my face. My first thought is I want to get away…BUT that can’t happen. I feel awful everytime this happens because I cry. I cry because it happened to yet another friend instead of me. I cry because I don’t understand why it’s not happening for me. I cry because I feel alone yet again. I cry because I just want one time to be making that phone call. And I cry because I’m ready to be out of this season in my life…

A few months ago, I was talking to my friend Anne on the phone about where I was at with everything. I was crying hysterically because the Lord had been revealing to me that I needed to rejoice in my suffering and consider it a blessing. I didn’t want that….To me that was the last thing I wanted to do. I WANTED what I WANTED (period). I’ve gone through so many stages on this journey, I could write a book. BUT this post is to tell you the result from the 2 stories above….

After that phone call on New Years, I was upset and cried, and then had to apologize for getting upset. It’s never about me not being happy for someone else…I’m upset because of where I’m at. BUT even though I cried (and a little encouragement from Kaz), I still had HOPE! I have HOPE! Monday morning as I was driving to work, I started thinking about my friend who is beginning this new journey of pregnancy and becoming a mom. So badly do I want that, but as I was driving I started thinking about ALL the blessings the Lord has given me and Kaz during this time that we’ve been waiting…AND I thought I wouldn’t have it any other way! This trial has been a blessing and I think for the first time I’m realizing that. It still hurts, and trust me I’m still going to cry BUT I KNOW that MY GOD is FAITHFUL. HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND WILL SOMEDAY GIVE ME AND KAZ THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS! I HAVE HOPE even if I cry!

Romans 5:3-6
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Whatever stage you’re in on your journey, I pray that you will fight to believe that the LORD IS GOOD and you will experience JOY and HOPE!