Wednesday, January 06, 2010

An all too familiar phone call….

It was New Years Day, Kaz and I were in St. Louis with his family at the movie theater watching The Blind Side. When we left the theater I checked my phone and had a missed call/voicemail from a friend…I checked the voicemail…Kaz asked who it was and my first reaction was “She’s pregnant”. The voicemail made no mention of that, but I just knew….deep down I knew. So I called my friend and I was right she is pregnant (and I’m really happy for her)…. BUT this type of phone call is all too familiar. You see in the last year, I’ve had 12 friends tell me they were pregnant. Most of them have been phone calls, a few in person. My first reaction every time is tears streaming down my face. My first thought is I want to get away…BUT that can’t happen. I feel awful everytime this happens because I cry. I cry because it happened to yet another friend instead of me. I cry because I don’t understand why it’s not happening for me. I cry because I feel alone yet again. I cry because I just want one time to be making that phone call. And I cry because I’m ready to be out of this season in my life…

A few months ago, I was talking to my friend Anne on the phone about where I was at with everything. I was crying hysterically because the Lord had been revealing to me that I needed to rejoice in my suffering and consider it a blessing. I didn’t want that….To me that was the last thing I wanted to do. I WANTED what I WANTED (period). I’ve gone through so many stages on this journey, I could write a book. BUT this post is to tell you the result from the 2 stories above….

After that phone call on New Years, I was upset and cried, and then had to apologize for getting upset. It’s never about me not being happy for someone else…I’m upset because of where I’m at. BUT even though I cried (and a little encouragement from Kaz), I still had HOPE! I have HOPE! Monday morning as I was driving to work, I started thinking about my friend who is beginning this new journey of pregnancy and becoming a mom. So badly do I want that, but as I was driving I started thinking about ALL the blessings the Lord has given me and Kaz during this time that we’ve been waiting…AND I thought I wouldn’t have it any other way! This trial has been a blessing and I think for the first time I’m realizing that. It still hurts, and trust me I’m still going to cry BUT I KNOW that MY GOD is FAITHFUL. HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND WILL SOMEDAY GIVE ME AND KAZ THE DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS! I HAVE HOPE even if I cry!

Romans 5:3-6
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, HOPE. And HOPE does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Whatever stage you’re in on your journey, I pray that you will fight to believe that the LORD IS GOOD and you will experience JOY and HOPE!

6 comments:

carissa said...

i completely admire you. i can see hope written all over you and that makes me want to REJOICE with you!

Beth Priest said...

you have to get this song... Its by Jonny Diaz (who I had never heard of) it is called waiting room. LOVE IT!

Chelsie Denson said...

Wow. This post is so encouraging. Your outlook and faith towards your situation is remarkable and so encouraging. Thanks for sharing!

Pam said...

Sometimes the desires of our heart are not in the immediate plan of our God. Know that the journey is part of what shapes you and creates a person God can use. Remember Esther or Ruth...they didn't receive the immediate desires of their heart...but WOW look how God used them and then gave them more than they could imagine.

Love you!

Faith said...

Oh, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from on this. I experience the same thing and it is so hard. I'm sorry for the hurt that you are feeling, but I am thankful for the peace that the Lord is giving you as well. And, He used you to confirm my word for this year...rejoice!

Praying for you!!

Kellie said...

sweet amy - i got tears reading this. this is beautiful, you are beautiful, and because of what you are allowing Christ to do in you, you are still more beautiful every day. when i think of you and kaz, and the intimacy of your relationship...i know that is one of God's HUGE blessings from this. your love for each other is precious and it honors Jesus so much. love you friend, thank you for sharing this.