Friday, February 26, 2010

1 year ago today.....

1 year ago today, I had knee surgery…..
1 year ago today, I was on my second round of Clomid…..
1 year ago today, I thought I would be a mom by 2010……..
1 year ago today, Amy Prikazsky Photography didn’t exist…….
1 year ago today, this blog didn’t exist……
1 year ago today, I felt alone in this infertility journey…..
1 year ago today, I didn’t know what the word HOPE really meant…..
1 year ago today, I cried every time a friend told me they were pregnant…..

Last night, I started thinking about 2009 and about where I am right now in my life….This time last year, I was hurting….When talking to my doctor about taking Clomid, she said “I guarantee within 4 months you will be pregnant”. At the time, I believed her and in the medicine….I was sure it would work! I didn’t really care about my appearance or weight because I was hurting and I KNEW I would be pregnant soon anyway so it wouldn’t matter…..I cried almost every day….I shut myself off emotionally to friends and family about where I was…..I was hurting….

Last year, was a whirlwind of emotions and blessings in my life. In November, the Lord really used Kaz, my amazing husband, to speak truth in my life about where I was personally and with this journey….At the time, it caused a big argument BUT I knew that what he was saying was truth and that he was right….

He encouraged me to open up to friends and family about where I was….See in my mind this is what I thought…

People didn’t bring up our situation because they didn’t want me to cry OR they didn’t know what to say….BUT TO ME I took it as no one cared because it wasn't talked about…But if I ever did talk about it, people felt bad or guilty because they have children and so it made me feel like I was a burden…I was the Debbie Downer….I felt all alone…..

Around this same time that Kaz talked to me, I became discouraged because I felt like no one else was going through this same thing….It was so hard to find books about it…or other people struggling….SO I started thinking about starting this blog….

Little did I know, that the Lord had bigger plans for my life during this same than I did. Once I opened up to friends and family, I felt peace and can now openly talk to them at anytime about where I’m at….They call me….Email me…Text me….Just to ask how I’m doing….It’s not the pink elephant in the room anymore that no one talks about….

When I started the blog, it was really to find other people who were going through the same thing….Little did I know, that the Lord would use it more for me than anyone else…..It’s caused me to be so real, open and honest with myself….

Little did I know, that at a time when I didn’t have any Hope, or see what was in store…the Lord used me to speak to a friend who was hurting about the same thing and help her on her own journey….Which brings me to now. Last night, my friend called me and told me exactly what our conversation at Christmas meant to her[To see my post about this go here…] She thanked me for sharing my heart and then told me she was pregnant….FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was actually happy for her. I didn’t cry because I wasn’t pregnant…I cried because the Lord was faithful to her and he had blessed her AND I saw that the Lord is good AND He has a plan. I was filled with joy for her….

Last night, as I thought about that and read some other blogs about infertility I came to this conclusion….

Even though I hurt…I feel honored that the Lord has me exactly where I’m at and that He has used my broken, sinful journey through infertility to touch others….I truly see this as a blessing and I’m at a place where I’m okay if I never have children on my own…Yes, I’m sure that will be a daily battle BUT it doesn’t mean that we won’t have children….I’ve truly seen the Lord show me and Kaz glimpses of His plan and it excites me so much. Through this blog, I’ve met and gotten emails from so many girls in the same place…different stories but same place and it’s an honor and privilege for me to be able to pray for them[and girls I do daily…].

When Kaz and I do have children, it will be the most special thing….and I wouldn’t want it any other way. The Lord has done so much in my heart and I truly know and believe what Hope is….

It is well Lord….It is well……

13 comments:

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

wow, amy! you have been through such a hard journey... it is beautiful to see where God has brought you and where He continues to bring you. i love being able to watch and pray for you along the way!!!

Life Happens said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. It's great to have a support group (family/friends) along this journey.

I love your photography site. I am just starting to learn about photography and will be investing in a new Can.non 50D to learn on.

Life Happens said...

You don't have a 'follow' button on your blog, but I will be adding you to my goo.gle reader so I can follow.

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

Wow you have had a hard year girl! Glad that God has brought you through it all with a positive attitude! Your in my prayers!

Abby said...

Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes I'm bad about sharing my feelings openly and for a very long time we didn't talk about the infertility to family or friends. When people asked when we were going to have kids, we'd just say "one day". I've never talked about it on my blog and last night I couldn't fall asleep because I just kept having this feeling, that I need to write about it. Have it all out in the open. So scary. I still haven't decided what I will do, but I do appreciate your openness. It helps the rest of us that have those same feelings as you! We aren't alone!

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Beth Priest said...

Amy, this is so encouraging to me! Different struggles and sufferings for me but I can so relate! Your story gives me so much encouragement to press on!!!

Ryan and Ashley Snell said...

You are such an inspiration. I am praying for you! God is faithful!

Chelle said...

Wow, wow, wow. I love this post. It gave me goosebumps. We had unexplained infertility. Nobody could explain it. I felt alone, too. Anytime someone was pregnant I cried and it just hurt. I hated it when people would ask when we were having kids--what was the hold up. They just didn't get it!

I love your blog and am your newest follower. Thank you for sharing everything with us--I loved reading it. You're the true definition of inspiration and strength.

xo

Stephanie said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Infertility is so hard on us. I also feel very alone in it all...
Just keep trusting to Lord - He is good! I am following you!

Sarah Ann said...

What an awesome story! This can be inspirational to so many people!!

Sarah Ann (sarahannrogers.com)

Stephanie said...

Thanks for stopping by! You should be able to follow now. I just added the link for followers. Sorry about that!

Much More Than Mommy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. This is beautiful post and a wonderful reason to blog, probably one of the best! I pray that God continues to use you to minister to others and that He continues to use your blog to minister to you as well. :-)