Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Resolution.....

Well I don't usually make new years resolutions...probably because I've never been able to keep them BUT I do have things that I WANT to change/start doing in the new year.
2009 has been a very unexpected year...It's definitely had it's ups and downs. 2009 has been one of the most challenging years ever...I went into it with a plan in my head for how it would go...that plan was crushed. I honestly believed that 2009 would be a year of joy, and the new beginning for a family. Instead, it was a year of struggling to believe truth and that the Lord was good. It was also a year of unexpected blessings[photography]. During my struggle with infertility, I've struggled to have hope. Last week, I was telling Kaz the below story...

A friend of mine is pregnant and doesn't know yet the sex of the baby. She went to Target and found this baby bedding[for a girl] for a really good price. She bought it in hopes she will have a girl but also because it was a great deal! The week of Christmas, I went with my friend Sabrina to Target one day during lunch. Sabrina has 2 children so we were in the children section when I ran across the bedding. I honestly stood there for like 10 minutes debating on whether or not to get it....BUT in my mind I kept thinking why would you do this Amy? You don't have children....I've also had a dream similar to this in which I was seeking childcare for a child that I don't yet have.
So while I was telling Kaz this, I said it's really sad to me that I would even think those things. It's sad that I want children that bad...He completely disagreed with me but I was in a hurry to get out the door to meet a friend for lunch so we couldn't really talk about it then.
So I met my friend  for lunch who also has PCOS and just recently had a miscarriage. As we were talking, my heart broke for her because I could see how much pain she was in and how alone she felt....She's in a place that I've been in for way too long....a place where it feels like no one cares and you are all alone...a place where life isn't fair because you can't have what you want, but everyone around you can....a place of lies and despair instead of joy and hope. As we were talking, I started telling her a little of my journey and how where's she's at is perfectly normal. I told her about the Target instance and how down I had gotten  because of my crazy thoughts about buying baby bedding for a child that I may have one day. She made the comment to me, "You are so strong...I wish you could hear what I'm hearing. You have hope Amy. You are expecting the Lord to bless you with children"... I hadn't thought of it that way. As I started thinking about it more I realized she was right. I DO HAVE HOPE! I have hope that the Lord has a perfect plan and that He does want to bless us. I have hope that the Lord is leading us down the path He wants us to take, even though its not the one I would have chosen. I have HOPE that He is going to use me and Kaz and our story....
The title of my blog is Our Journey Together....I chose the word journey because a journey has a beginning and an end. It's purposeful, not pointless. It involves activity, not passivity.  Our Journey thus far has had its ups and downs....After meeting with my dear friend, I had HOPE. I had so much joy that I literally wanted to scream it out!!! 2 days later I was in a pit again....I went back into my shell of believing that no one cared, and I was all alone, and I was a burden to all my friends....This struggle with infertility is a journey....
What I want for 2010 more than anything is to fight to believe HOPE. It will be an everyday battle but I'm prepared for that. In 2009 I've missed out on a lot.....I haven't gone to friends baby showers because it made me sad...I haven't visited friends in the hospital after the baby was born because it was too hard.....I've distanced myself from people who had children because I didn't want to get too close....I can't promise all of these things will change...BUT as I fight for truth on this journey I can only pray that the Lord will continue to transform my life and allow me to experience joy in other people's blessings! This is my heart and my prayer for 2010......

TO FIGHT FOR TRUTH...HOPE...AND JOY

HAPPY NEW YEARS! May the Lord bless you and show favor upon you in this new year.

3 comments:

carissa said...

on a non-serious note, i just noticed that your comments link says "your thoughts." how did you do that?!? i love it. on to a serious note... last night i was praying with kelly about 2010 and i prayed that it would be the year that you have a child. God is so very faithful (especially when we don't feel it!) and it is so beautiful that you have HOPE and know that you will one day have a child. i seriously cannot wait for your baby shower - it will be the BEST and BIGGEST celebration EVER!!! and i can't wait for you to buy baby bedding - i think that will call for a celebration too! whenever you feel hopeless, just remember that you have a bunch of friends who are standing in your place, praying for you and asking the Lord to grant you the desires of your heart!!!

allenaim photography and design said...

HI Amy :)

My name is Amy...I just found your blog...I have PCOS...I have an infantile (well maybe toddler by now?) photography business...I think I've met my twin :)

linds said...

I just found you blog ... omg I feel like I am reading my own blog right now. First, I must say that I am in total love of your orange polka dot page :0) It makes me smile, and two this post speaks so much to me ... I kept thinking, wow there is someone else out there who really truly understands this battle. so thank you for sharing your heart. :0)