Tuesday, March 15, 2011

that 4 letter word.....

baby. That's the word I'm talking about....It's always on my mind...morning, during the day, middle of the night...I can't get it out of my mind.

I honestly feel like the adoption lately has been like a messy breakup with a boyfriend. That's the best way to describe it....The last few weeks have been very hard in that we have been trying to move forward but keep getting sucked back in by texts, emails, etc from the birth mom. The text seem promising, yet she is still very indecisive and at the moment has no clear plan of adoption...The whole thing has been very interesting to me...The first text came around 3 weeks ago while I was driving to Columbia for the weekend...When I got it, I had no idea what to do...Should I respond? I felt bad for not responding, YET at the same time knew it would do no good. BUT I really care about this mom...we've built a relationship. After talking to Kaz, I kept thinking the whole drive about the text..these words that "looked" so promising...I prayed, Lord please show me what to do. I need a CLEAR sign. Not long after, I heard this song on the radio that to be honest, I don't care for :( BUT the ending was very different this time. A little child was singing and these were the words he sang...
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the father up above is looking down with LOVE
Oh be careful little eyes what you see....

TO ME, THAT was clear as day. The words that I saw looked promising...EVERYTHING IN ME wanted to jump in full force, BUT I couldn't. What really stood out to me though was the part that said for the father up above is looking down with love....The Lord knew I would struggle...He knew I would feel like things couldn't get any worse...He knew I would doubt AND THOSE WORDS CALMED MY HEART that HE WAS DOING ALL of this BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. NOT TO HARM ME...NOT TO PUNISH ME....BUT SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD, I will understand why all of this is happening...BUT FOR NOW, all of this is happening because He LOVES ME and has a PLAN. 
That whole weekend, only got harder...more text came in...the words harsher in each text. 
Over the last few weeks, I have watched Kaz struggle just as much[if not more] as me. We both realized on vacation that another reason the adoption has not happened yet, is because we needed to become closer. Our marriage over the last several months has been strengthened in a way I can't explain. We have needed each other...BUT it breaks my heart to see Kaz struggle with this...I try to be strong when he's down BUT at times I just can't....Our outlook the last few weeks has been so good. I feel like it's been the strongest that it has been....BUT then something changed over the weekend. I'm not sure what, but it changed in both us. I've felt like for awhile the adoption was just right around the corner. I've been excited for everyday...but then on Sunday something changed and I can't shake the feeling that it's gonna be a long road. That I need to put my fighting gear on....I'm not sure I have it in me..All ties have been cut with the birth mom. After a series of nasty text, she has stopped communication and requested all ultrasound pictures back. She is moving on to another family to have as a "backup" plan if she does decided to move forward in the adoption...I'm thankful that we can move forward but I am very scared. I've been trying to keep myself preoccupied with projects..I have a lot of them on my list BUT here's my first one. We are "re-doing" parts of the nursery and I painted this canvas to hang in there....I'm trying hard to believe this truth....


but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint....     Isaiah 40:31

9 comments:

Melba said...

well I can't claim to know what you're going through but I do remember what it was like for us, during the waiting phase and the unknowns of when it would all happen. I know there is not much I can say that will make you feel better but know that you are not alone in this journey!!

Melba

Misty said...

As a new adoptive mommy, I want to remind you and your husband that God has a plan to grow your family. A PERFECT plan!!!! He already has your sweet baby picked out. Let him put all the pieces together.

Praying for you!

BARBIE said...

Yes, God indeed has a plan for your life. He is with you and preparing a wonderful future for you, your husband and your family!

mom said...

I know God is going to bless you and Kaz with a child and I hurt for you both every day. I pray all the time for you and him. But we know God is in control and we have to wait on his timing. I know you will be great parents and I love you both, mom

mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tara said...

Amy, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot even pretend to imagine how you feel. You and Kaz are going to be great parents and I really feel like one day you will have your beautiful child. Remember...what doesn't break you only makes you stronger. You are a true inspiration to me as to what faith can do for a couple. You are lucky to have each other. Hang in there. I will be praying for peace for the both of you. I really believe God already has a baby so special for you that maybe he just wants to hang on to it a little while longer:)! I'm pulling for ya'll and can't wait for the day to read the blog and see you holding that precious baby!

amelia said...

I just found your blog and enjoy reading it. I'm so sorry about your recent adoption situation. I'll be praying that God's will be done to you family. This too shall pass, and He'll turn your tears into joy, He always does

Emily said...

This is one of my absolute favorite verses! We are praying for you both daily! We will pray that God gives you the strength you need on this journey!

Tiffany said...

That is our verse we have had it in the baby room too. We do not understand completely since we have just begun the waiting period..... but have an idea of what ya'll are going through. Love ya'll and here to talk anytime you just want someone to listen.
A few years ago Patrick and I went through a very very hard place. BUT God has been so faithful and .....there are no words to describe it AMAZING! It is so true that if you can hold on to each other and God in the tought times it will only make your love stronger! Praying for both of you!