So today started out good….I was focused on all the things I needed to get done at work and then all these thoughts started entering my head…Confession-the last few days I’ve had a lot of jealous feelings toward one person in particular. I’m not sure why…I could name all the reason why but there’s been nothing of importance to bring them on. I’ve continued to entertain those thoughts and it’s just built up for the last few days…I haven’t seen or talked to this person so why even have these thoughts…I’m telling you they are silly. SO I kept thinking about those all morning…I finally broke down and told my friend[and co-worker, cubby mate:)] Sabrina, how I had been feeling. I felt awful….I would be so embarrassed if this person ever even knew….Why is it that I feel this way?
So around lunch Sabrina and I went to staff prayer[all of the staff at our church meets on Wed for prayer]. During prayer, my heart started pounding really hard and I felt lead to share what was on my heart. I shared a little about what this particular verse means to me[I will share with you soon!]. At the time, I didn't realize just how much it would apply to my day....
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you….
After prayer, I still battled with those jealousy feelings and thoughts all afternoon….I had a doctors appointment to talk about the surgery and I just became so frustrated and overwhelmed with everything…You see I don’t want to talk about the surgery anymore to anyone…I’m tired of it…I’m tired of having to talk about all these things going on in my body…..I’m tired of feeling pressure from other people that it’s time for me to start a family….I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I can’t….Because the truth is I’m not a failure….People say and do things that hurt but they don’t realize that….I’ve come to terms with where Kaz and I are….I haven’t dealt with a lot of these emotions for a long time because we have been on a break and to be honest talking about the surgery brings those feelings back up…I don’t like them….I don’t like crying about them….I don’t want to be upset about the things that I don’t have BUT I want to look forward with HOPE. So anyway, by the time I made it out to my car from the doctor’s office I happened to see my neighbors. We started talking and the husband said something as we went our separate ways that made me loose it….All he said was hang in there BUT after all of the events of the day I lost it….uncontrollably. You see I feel like I’ve hung in there for so long….I’m tired…The devil totally beat me up today and made me feel like I was ready to throw in the towel. Life is hard…for me….for you…..for everyone we know. We all have our battles….We’ve all had hard days like I had today…..BUT THE TRUTH IS The Lord does have plans to PROSPER US and NOT to harm us….That’s my first thought when I hurt-I think He’s out to get me….THAT’S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH…..My life may not be where I hoped or wanted it to be…..and I may look at other people from time to time and wish or want I had the things they do….BUT I’M human….and I’m believing He’s got greater things in store for me…I may have to wait for a little while longer….and I may still hurt…still cry….still have rough days…..BUT HE LOVES ME…..HE’S WATCHING OVER ME…..AND HIS PLAN IS PERFECT!
and I must say…those brownies I made sure helped too:)
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