Wednesday, March 10, 2010

One of those days…..

So today started out good….I was focused on all the things I needed to get done at work and then all these thoughts started entering my head…Confession-the last few days I’ve had a lot of jealous feelings toward one person in particular. I’m not sure why…I could name all the reason why but there’s been nothing of importance to bring them on. I’ve continued to entertain those thoughts and it’s just built up for the last few days…I haven’t seen or talked to this person so why even have these thoughts…I’m telling you they are silly. SO I kept thinking about those all morning…I finally broke down and told my friend[and co-worker, cubby mate:)] Sabrina, how I had been feeling. I felt awful….I would be so embarrassed if this person ever even knew….Why is it that I feel this way?
So around lunch Sabrina and I went to staff prayer[all of the staff at our church meets on Wed for prayer]. During prayer, my heart started pounding really hard and I felt lead to share what was on my heart. I shared a little about what this particular verse means to me[I will share with you soon!]. At the time, I didn't realize just how much it would apply to my day....

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you….

After prayer, I still battled with those jealousy feelings and thoughts all afternoon….I had a doctors appointment to talk about the surgery and I just became so frustrated and overwhelmed with everything…You see I don’t want to talk about the surgery anymore to anyone…I’m tired of it…I’m tired of having to talk about all these things going on in my body…..I’m tired of feeling pressure from other people that it’s time for me to start a family….I’m tired of feeling like a failure because I can’t….Because the truth is I’m not a failure….People say and do things that hurt but they don’t realize that….I’ve come to terms with where Kaz and I are….I haven’t dealt with a lot of these emotions for a long time because we have been on a break and to be honest talking about the surgery brings those feelings back up…I don’t like them….I don’t like crying about them….I don’t want to be upset about the things that I don’t have BUT I want to look forward with HOPE. So anyway, by the time I made it out to my car from the doctor’s office I happened to see my neighbors. We started talking and the husband said something as we went our separate ways that made me loose it….All he said was hang in there BUT after all of the events of the day I lost it….uncontrollably. You see I feel like I’ve hung in there for so long….I’m tired…The devil totally beat me up today and made me feel like I was ready to throw in the towel. Life is hard…for me….for you…..for everyone we know. We all have our battles….We’ve all had hard days like I had today…..BUT THE TRUTH IS The Lord does have plans to PROSPER US and NOT to harm us….That’s my first thought when I hurt-I think He’s out to get me….THAT’S THE FARTHEST THING FROM THE TRUTH…..My life may not be where I hoped or wanted it to be…..and I may look at other people from time to time and wish or want I had the things they do….BUT I’M human….and I’m believing He’s got greater things in store for me…I may have to wait for a little while longer….and I may still hurt…still cry….still have rough days…..BUT HE LOVES ME…..HE’S WATCHING OVER ME…..AND HIS PLAN IS PERFECT!

and I must say…those brownies I made sure helped too:)

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50 comments:

Mama Llama said...

what a real and honest look at your heart. I will pray for you! So glad to come across your blog.

Beth Priest said...

oh amy I'm sorry you had an emotional day! Its crazy that we don't have the same sufferings but I can totally relate with your feelings! I am praying and hope God will fill you with His peace.

I have been made aware of some sinful reactions in suffering (thru counseling and reading books and such) I'm learning that you HAVE to take your thoughts captive and only think about things that are true, noble, praiseworthy and etc! That is SO hard! For me, I fall in a trap of self pity and that really robs me of all my peace and joy. It is embarassing that I just confessed that on your comment but oh well!

Summer said...

Thanks for this real honest post! Sorry you had such a crummy day! Since I'm a new bloggy friend of yours I wasn't aware of your story! I to suffered from infertility for 2 1/2 years and after 3 surgeries, 2 miscarriages I finally had my miracle Kelcee she is 3! I love that bible verse I leaned on it alot to....It is at the bottom of my blog actually!

I can't say I know exactly how you are feeling but I can definetly relate! I used to get mixed emotions when I would find people around me having babies, etc., and I was happy for them and sad for me and then I felt bad about that! I was an emotional wreck! I used to get so fumed when people would say it will happen, hang in there, etc. I was like you I wanted to scream I've been hanging in there....But ya know I kept on keeping on I picked up my head and I tredged those hard waters and now I have my miracle!

I am telling you this to give you inspiration! You will be a mommy my friend! God has a plan for us all, it may not be when we want it or we may not know what exactly it is but he does have a plan....

xoxo
Summer :0)

Heather Allen said...

Thank you so much for your comment and prayer. I too will say a prayer for your peace. I fight jealousy constantly. My best friend is pregnant right now and yesterday she posted pictures of her belly. Completely Normal right? I just lost it...even though I have been blessed through adoption, it still hurts that I will never have those pregnant belly pictures. There are days when it is worse than others but I repeat my verses and declare that the devil will not win!

The Stairs Family said...

Sorry to hear your having a bad day- hopefully tomorrow will be sunshines & rainbows for you ;) praying that you feel at ease with your situation and that you be comforted knowing that He has a plan for your future!

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

I am soo sorry. People can be cruel without even knowing it. I had cancer when I was 8 - total hysterectomy, and have known that I can't every have biological children (unless God did a huge miracle). Then I have realized that God chose to do 7 HUGE miracles, and we are waiting on number 8. It is so hard when people don't understand. I will be praying for you both. That kind of hurt doesn't just go away. It is hard, and NOT fun to deal with. Thank you for your honesty! You are one brave chick!!!!!!! I love that! By the way- brownies sound good to me!

We 2 Bee's said...

I love that verse! God uses it in my life so regularly. I'm sorry you had a hard day! I struggle with these feelings of jealous as well! But He does have a plan! I so appreciate your honesty and that you lean on Him!

Much More Than Mommy said...

Great verse, hope it stays with you and you can also claim your ability to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ! :-) (Brownies are good, too!) :-D

...::Mrs. Southern Bride::... said...

I love that verse, it has been a comfort to me throughout my life! What an awesome thing that you have staff prayer. Must be a blessing!

Seizing My Day said...

We all do have struggles... and they are as deep as they feel! Do you know the poem Welcome to Holland? It is written about thinking you are going to Paris? but you end up in Holland... first you are mad... then disappointed... but then you start to see the beautiful things in Holland... flowers, hills, windmills, and you begin to realize you are in a wonderful place that you never knew existed! It is also written about having a special needs child. I had read that poem many years ago... and now I have one child with medical challenges... not so obvious to those around me... but very real to me... I choose to see the flowers in Holland... but sometimes I wish I had landed in Paris... because I am human! ;) amazing how brownies help! I think this poem can give us insight into any situation... Beth really nailed it ... capturing the pure, noble, praiseworthy thoughts... but it is Hard!! =) hugs my new friend! you are not alone!
Just Jenn~

Seizing My Day said...

We all do have struggles... and they are as deep as they feel! Do you know the poem Welcome to Holland? It is written about thinking you are going to Paris? but you end up in Holland... first you are mad... then disappointed... but then you start to see the beautiful things in Holland... flowers, hills, windmills, and you begin to realize you are in a wonderful place that you never knew existed! It is also written about having a special needs child. I had read that poem many years ago... and now I have one child with medical challenges... not so obvious to those around me... but very real to me... I choose to see the flowers in Holland... but sometimes I wish I had landed in Paris... because I am human! ;) amazing how brownies help! I think this poem can give us insight into any situation... Beth really nailed it ... capturing the pure, noble, praiseworthy thoughts... but it is Hard!! =) hugs my new friend! you are not alone!
Just Jenn~

Staci Danford said...

So sorry for your YUCK day.. I'm lots older than you and I still have them though.. Sounds like you are going to the only place in the world for answers.. I'm sure God will show you the way. And I know you'll wake up a few days from now and wonder what hormone surge that was. haha (or I do anyway)... Bliss and Blessings your way..
Staci

Miranda Tucci said...

I am so sorry you had a bad day.

I know it's easy to get overwhelmed when things seem to be piling on top of us, and you're only human and it's OK to vent and to cry. You're not a failure and you're not weak just because sometimes it gets hard and you need to release the tension. I tell myself over and over again that everything happens for a reason. It's soooo easy to forget that - sometimes it feels like it's just US against this whole big world and we can't do it alone. God's timing is always perfect and he has a plan.

You're such a smart girl, I read this post and I took so much away from it. Sometimes, when we are struggling with things in our life, we may say things that actually help out someone else who is struggling. I will not bog you down with my problems, but I needed to be reminded of God's love for me and that he has a plan in my life. I needed to hear that, so thank you so very much for this very open and honest post.

When you least expect it, you end up helping others. :)

I will be praying for you :)

Rebecca Jo said...

Brownies always help! That's God's little extra blessing for you! :)

Keep clinging to that verse... because he DOES want nothing but for you to PROSPER!!

So appreciate your honesty too...

HUGS

Kate said...

Thank you so much for just putting it all out there! I feel the same thing at times. Especially when I see a pregnant ladies belly, I lose it and think that should be me, and why did my baby have to die. All of those thoughts just flood in like never before! That verse is wonderful and one of my favorites, too! Praying for you! And, yum brownies!!

emilia. said...

Sorry about your day! I know for a fact that we all have felt that way one time or another. :/ The cool thing is you didn't let pride stand in the way and you shared your struggle with loving friends. That's really good! :)
Thanks for sharing and I'll try to remember to be more honest with my prayer group next time I'm struggling.

Much love!
Emily

Debbie said...

Amy that was a very heartfelt story you shared with us! The fact that you acknowledged it, is real and honest. Jealousy is all around us, everyday, and it's OK to feel it, we all have from time to time over something or someone. I will not say hang in there, as you have...Gods plan is in the works for you..it has been since the day we where born. YOu have a loving supportive friend in your husband, so you are not alone on this journey of life. There is so much ahead of you, you will look back someday and say WOW, I had to go through all of that, to be where I am today!

Jill said...

Oh Amy. I know what it's like to constantly be asked about when you're gonna have kids. It does get easier.

Jay and I have been married for 11 years (no kids) and there are things we can do for the Lord that our friends with kids can't and vice-versa.

God does have a plan for me and you and I will pray that you will find peace.

FirstComesLove.Then said...

I think you sound like a precious and strong person to take what the devil throws at you and you fight right back! Good for you! It is such a battle to go through such things in life. I can assure you that God will not fail you and I have every faith that He will let His will be done in your life, no matter what that be. And you will be perfectly happy and at peace with whatever that may be. That's the beauty of God.

Thank you for sharing your deep and heartbreaking battles and for the inspiration to all of us to pray. I will surely pray for you and thank you for your prayers for us. Life is full of hills and valleys. The steep walks up to the hills are what makes the victories to the top so worth it!

It's nice to meet you:)

Jessica said...

Awww...such a touching post...you need to punch that devil in the face and keep looking towards the Lord! I know good things are coming for you and I cant wait to read your post on the day that it does! Hope you have an amazingly wonderful day! You deserve it!

kim said...

just found your blog, and read your post, sorry about having such a bad day...sometimes all the crummy stuff seems to hit you at the same time. i also know how it can feel when you are trying to conceive and it just doesn't seem to be working. we tried for 2 years to have a second, when our first just seemed to happen so quickly, it can be really hard to deal with...all i can say is don't stress over it, i think that was my problem when i was just trying to will myself pregnant & nothing was happening, but when i just stopped worrying and left it all up to God we were blessed with our little boy

Lisa said...

Oh I am so sorry that you had such a bad day. I hate those days. I don't know if you've read this post of mine, but I wrote on jealousy/envy...the Lord has really been speaking to me regarding the matter. Check it out if you haven't already..http://whilewaitingiwillworship.blogspot.com/2010/02/envy.html

Rhiannon Nicole said...

Thanks for visiting my blog girlfriend!! What a happy place you have over here :)

Nadine said...

HI! I'm so glad you stopped by my blog the other day! I'm sorry you had such a rough day yesterday! As far as the jealousy thing...my husband and I have been dealing with that too. It's hard when you see other people who are way further along than you are...I know for us we always thought that at our current age we'd have it all figured out. Be settled, have careers we like, have a cute and perfectly decorated home with a couple of kids, etc etc etc. The reality is we haven't anything more than the hope that all those things will still come. And while it is silly to sit and let yourself get jealous about it...lets face it...we all do it from time to time. That Stupid Devile knows just when and where to poke and prod in our hearts. We've also tried for a baby on and off for the seven years we've been married...but we never got pregnant. In between trying we'd always go back to the "we must not be ready yet" or the doctor would put me back on bc to regulate me...at this point I don't know what will happen...whether we will ever be ready or if GOD will ever let us experience pregnancy or not...seemed like everyone else would start trying after they got married and after a couple months or so we'd find out they're pregnant. It's so confusing to the heart. When people find out how long we've been married and that we don't have kids we always get that "what's wrong with you people" look...
Sorry about rambling on and on there...but just know you're not alone and thank you for sharing! I hope today goes better for you!

Nadine said...

***Devil...not Devile (LOL)***

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

the beautiful part is that all of the things we endure on this earth will be more than made up for when we see Him face to face. and all of the trials make us that more eager to be in perfect peace and long for Heaven! i hope you have a way better day.

Megan said...

I am sure this was a hard post to type out and post for the world to see but I am so glad you did. I had "one of those days" yesterday too, and I am as sure as the sun is in the sky that God led me to your blog (and you to mine) because I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one hurting and confused and feeling like God, why are all of these bad things happening and when are things going to start looking up? Right before I got on the computer I was reading the bible and praying for him to lead me in the right direction and to be closer to him. SO thank you for helping me! I am praying for you! I hope you have a FABULOUS day, you deserve it girl!

myletterstoemily said...

sweet amy,

may i tell you a story about my best friend,
brenda?

she could not conceive a child and wanted
one more than anything. if my husband
'looked' at me, i got pregnant...five times.

you can imagine how this broke her heart
and our friendship. i would dread more than
anything to tell her that i was pregnant,
again.

well, they finally adopted two beautiful girls,
my daughters' dear friends....and then had
1...2...3 boys, all 11 months apart.

we called them the puppies, the way they
tumbled around and wrestled. and now
they are big dogs.

the Lord has blessing upon blessing for you,
too. i will pray that these painful days will
soon pass.

love,
lea

Mrs. Jennifer said...

Okay - Have you been in my brain? God's timing is so amazing and He brings people together in such an aamazing way. Wow. Who would have thought?

We also struggle/struggled with infertility, so I will be praying for you. I absolutely know.

Last night my pastor talked a little about how he felt he was being hit with tidal wave after tidal wave and when he finally said he couldn't take any more that was when he finally felt God say "now I can use you".

And sometimes it helps me to think, that even though people say the dumbest things, they do mean to be loving. It comes from love.

And finally - so glad to meet you! You have a beautiful fam and are so very talented! Totally people I need to hang with! I need all the help I can get!!

Mrs. Jennifer said...

Okay, P.S. - Is it bad that my kid is screaming to me that she is staaaaarrrrrving, but I can not tear myself away from your photography blog?? That's okay, right?

Design Apprentice said...

Amy, I am so happy you found my blog, because in turn it lead me to yours. You have a beautiful soul, I can tell by reading your posts. I've added your etsy store to my favorites too. I love that bible verse and am so pleased you shared it with us. I will pray for you and peace. Hope is such a wonderful and powerful grace to have.

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

Your in my prayers girl!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog, I'm so glad to have found yours.

Thanks for your HONESTY ... what a powerful, heartfelt post!

I don't know your whole story yet, but I want you to know that I dealt with infertility. 26 years ago, I was told I would never be able to have children. I went on to have 10 bio., before we adopted from Africa.

God is a God of miracles. I hope you'll read my miracle stories in my archives.

I, too, have BAD DAYS. Just had one a few days ago. Totally fell apart.

Look forward to reading more of your blog.

Blessings,

Laurel :)

ashlina said...

thanks for stopping by my blog. i am in love with yours too. you two make a beautiful couple!
try to not let emotions get the best of you...that is not what God wants for your life. He wants you to remember to enjoy the blissful things in life...aka your beautiful husband and the gift that you have for photography!!!!

God bless you girl. and im so glad we can now be blogging friends. :)
will be following you.xoxoox

chelsea rebecca said...

i adore your honesty! sorry for your not so great day. i hope tomorrow is better!! you will be in my thoughts and prayers! xo
brownies always help!

~*~ saskia ~*~ said...

How nice that our blogs crossed. Your blog is lovely! Off to read some of your past posts ....
Have a wonderful weekend ahead!

Anna Liesemeyer said...

amay, thank you so much for stopping by...I am happy to find a fellow Christian blogger;) This was a beautiful reflection and something I think all women go through...I definately had to remind my self a few times that God wants my happiness and sometimes allowing us to go through trials is the way to get there!
:D
Anna

Sarah said...

Although I haven't experienced it myself, I've seen my sister-in-law go through some really serious stuff with her health and infertility. It's really tough. You have such a good outlook though. Even though it's really hard at times, you know you'll be okay in the end. You know that everything happens for a reason and there's a plan in store for you :).

Maria Lane said...

AW! Im so sorry you had such an emotional day.......god has a plan for us all....and you my friend will be a mommy! My prayers are with you and I am thinking of you today! ive had 3 misscarriages and one dnc and i truly know how it feels.......Im saying this for inspiration....it can happen and i just know it will.

ReJOYce! said...

Hi Amy! Happy you found my blog! Thank for you for sharing your heart so openly with us! That's right:"HIS plans for your life are PERFECT and HE definitely has GREATER THINGS in store for you!" Have a Blessed Day!

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

I am so sorry you had a rough day precious sister! I thank you for sharing your heart with us today. I will be praying for you.

May the Lord give you strength and minister to your heart mightily!

Beth

Karisa Tells All said...

hey thanks for stopping by! you should get some colored tights--they might help as much as those brownies!

Joyeful said...

This is full of so much raw honesty and my heart just goes out to you b/c even while I don't know the path of suffering you've had to travel, I know that it must be so very painful. I was just reading about Hannah in the Bible today and how distraught she was. And God reminded me that It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to "feel". God doesn't expect feelings to just go away. He promises to carry us, though, and He promises good to us (just as He told you in that wonderful verse).

Lots of prayers and love to you! I'm so glad to "meet" you!

Traci said...

oh sweet friend... i empathize, truly i do. my heart aches for you and i pray for peace and comfort. it takes courage to be so open about your true feelings, thank you for being real. i know that you will find rest in His promises.

cait said...

I so love the honesty. We are all there on certain days. I'm having one of those weeks, on a bit smaller scale. But still, I have almost seemed to be lashing back at God, wondering why in the world He's not answering certain prayers and even getting mad at myself for not making some changes I need to make. Just not having the guts...and being too selfish. God is so good...and you are so right about His plans. He is in every single thing we go through and is completely for us. It's so nice to find bloggers that are real.

Thanks so much for the sweet post! I so enjoy your blog as well! :)

Life Is Crazy Beautiful said...

Amy, I'm so glad you introduced yourself. I think you finding me just might have been a divine appointment. I personally understand the feelings you are struggling with. God's plan was DEFINITELY not the plan I had when I was a younger woman! Little by little He has revealed to me some of His reasons for having a different plan, but I know I may have to wait until I see the Lord face to face before I get all of the answers. Praying for you! And I'll be following you and checking back in :)

Erica said...

His plan is perfect. I really believe that. It's hard to understand how anything (especially when sad and painful) is supposed to be part of His plan when it's going on. But as time goes by, you begin to realize why it happened, and take some life lessons away from the experience as well. I hope everything works out for you!

elizabeth said...

There's a little fairy tale on my blog that I think will make you smile!

Heart2Heart said...

Amy,

Just wanted to let you know that you are one of the winners of the book The Autobiography of An Execution.

Please email me with your mailing information so I can get that in the mail to you.

Congratulations again and WOO HOO!

Love and Hugs ~ Kat

Abby said...

Thanks for sharing about your day. I'm sure it was hard to type but felt good to get it out. I'll be praying for you and Kaz. I know those feelings and how forgotten you can feel. But know that these "obstacles" aren't because God doesn't love you and want His best for you. He has a plan and unfortunately we can't know His plan ahead of time! Hang in there girl!