Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Hope on the Rocks....

Today someone’s hopes lay dying against the rocks
Today the waves comes crashing down
Reminding her of what is not to be
Reminding her that in nine months there will be no tiny feet
Her husband’s eyes won’t be staring back
Her nose won’t be crinkled on another little face
She beats the ground with her balled up fist
She wipes the tears and puts on a calm face
Wondering if this dream will ever come true
Wondering if this nightmare will ever fade at last
Advice is offered once again, it’s not the right time
Advice is offered once again, relax and it will happen
But the pain still feels the same, gut-wrenching
But the pain still feels the same, heart-breaking
And no amount of comfort can be offered
And no consoling words can bring relief
She watches other ships set sail in the distance
She watches other families grow and evolve
In the flotsam and jetsam she waits, struggling to afloat
In the cold harsh water she clings to the cross she bears
By Kim Caloca

I read this poem and tears streamed down my face…I’ve been this woman for a long time….I can’t explain why or even how my heart has changed. The only thing I know is the Lord has done it….He’s changed my outlook, my desires, my hope.

A few weeks ago I thought I might be pregnant…To be honest it scared me. Terrified me…I even mentioned to Kaz and my good friend Sabrina that I HOPED I wasn’t pregnant….Why you ask? Why wouldn’t I want to be pregnant when the last 2 years all of my hurt and pain has come from me NOT getting pregnant…I honestly can’t explain it except the Lord changed me...He changed my heart. He truly gave me new eyes….He changed my desire RIGHT NOW to adopting a child. I know a lot of people probably doesn’t understand this…and that’s ok. I don’t think adopting is for everyone BUT I’m overjoyed that HE CHOSE ME to adopt. He CHOSE me to go through this trial for the last 2+ years. He CHOSE a SPECIAL child for ME…a child who NEEDS a family and love. LOVE is what I can give that child. Oh how I long to meet him or her….How I long to get a phone call saying we have a child for you….I can only imagine what that day will be like.

The woman above was me for 2 years….The woman today is HOPEFUL and filled with JOY and excitement for what’s to come!

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be HIS name
He gives and takes away….Blessed be YOUR name Lord

47 comments:

Beth McC. said...

I love this post! I think it is AMAZING that you are adopting! I hope that one day I will get to do the same thing! Even though we have never met you are one of my "bloggy" friends and I have added you guys to my prayer list! The jorney of adoption is amazing and I think its great that you are going to get a sweet baby that was put on this earth for YOU!

Much More Than Mommy said...

Praise the Lord! I know that feeling -- not in such a profound situation, but I do know it and it is amazing!!!

Kimberly said...

I love your post today! Hoping for an amazing journey with your adoption!

Rhonda said...

Isn't the Lord so good! His plan is perfect! I am excited to see your journey unfold.

Stephanie said...

Wow. That made me cry too. I am glad the Lord touched your heart and gave you the desire to adopt. I look forward to hearing happy news soon!

Jill said...

It's amazing how God can change our hopes and desires in a blink! I'm so glad you have joy!

Annie said...

God is so good!! I admire your change of heart and faith in Him so much! At my bible study last night, (we're doing Beth Moore's Esther study) in the video, she shared a different way to look at Isaiah 40:31. (In the King James version) "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew thier strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not grow weary; and they shall walk and not faint." The emphasis she made was those "that WAIT on the LORD." It's all about God's time. Often we wait for the "thing" we are praying for, we don't wait on God. If we put our focus on waiting for Him, then our strength IS renewed and as we walk whatever our walk may be, we don't grow weary. The way you desribed how you are feeling right now seems to be a perfect example of that!

Heather said...

I was this woman for 18 months...and like you, I have such peace and thankfulness knowing I don't have to be her anymore. Thanks be to God! I love hearing your heart about your future child and I can't wait til you get the call!!!

Faith said...

I love this testimony of what the Lord has done in your heart! I remember something from a Beth Moore study that I did where she was talking about Eph. 3:20-21 and how God is able to do anything - beyond what we could ever imagine. She said that He often prioritizes the internal miracle over the external miracle, and I know that it would be miracle for Him to change my heart. It's so encouraging to hear how He's done that for you!! Soooo excited for y'all!

Are These Kids All Yours? said...

AMAZING!!! God is sooo Good!!! I knew from the age of 8 that bio children were not an option- had cancer. So that wasn't a question...just a question of hmmm- I wonder how God is going to make an adoption happen???

Jennifer said...

This is beautiful. I understand. What God puts in our hearts... we can not change... we must accept and follow the road!! You are blessed to have heard it and listened! :)

Beth Priest said...

I'm so glad that God has done such a great work in your life and heart! We are all walking talking evidence of His grace.

Indy said...

I understand completely! Praise God. What an awesome journey awaits you...I will definitely stay tuned to see how the Lord works in your life.

Indy said...

P.S. I love the new look of your blog...so adorable!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

A powerful post! Thanks for sharing!

I was ... the woman who was told I needed an immediate hysterectomy because of severe endometriosis.

I was ... the woman who was told by the 2nd doctor that I had a 2% chance to ever get pregnant.

I was ... the bio. mom of 10 beautiful babies.

I was ... called to adopt 3 siblings from Ghana, after I had my 10 bio. babies.

26 years ago (before kids) when I was told that I needed an immediate hysterectomy ... who would have ever guessed that I would become ... a mother of 13 children.

Amazing. Our God is simply amazing.


Laurel :)

Morgan said...

Absolutely beautiful. Your outlook is enviable.

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

this is so sweet. the Lord has given you so much excitement over the adoption and it is such a joy to see!

Chelle said...

I love love LOVE this post. I cannot wait for the day when your child is placed in your arms, honey!

xo

Sarah said...

Adoption is such a special thing! As soon as you hold that baby in your arms, you will both be so in love. You're coming out of this experience with such deep perspective!

Holly said...

what a beautiful poem, and what a beautiful purpose to adopt and love and raise your child!

Thank you so much for the kind words on my blog and for your prayers! I am excited to follow your journey!

tinypaperheart said...

what an encouraging post! :)

Summer said...

I love this post! I think is is amazing that you are adopting and my friend that is going to be one lucky baby! You guys are going to be amazing parents and I am so happy for you! You are so strong and a true inspiration....

xoxo
Summer :0)

Jenn said...

I always love your sweet comments on my blog! Thank you!

I am so excited for you and this amazing journey the Lord is taking you on! Can't wait to follow you to your child!

Get ready to have your socks blown off! HA!

Praying for you!

Blessings,
Jenn

Baylis said...

Your post brings me to tears. I am so glad you have that peace and contentment. Even though I have it all (in my eyes and in others) I often long for the closeness, peace and satisfaction of life. God has worked in you and is working in others through you...it is amazing. In you, I see where I need and WANT to be in my relationship with the Lord, so thank you. I miss you and love you.

Chelsie Denson said...

I just read your post down below about you adopting and I am so very happy for you! I know this is so late, but I just wanted to make sure I said something! haha. Congratulations...that is so awesome!

Kimbirdy said...

A couple of my dearest friends were adopted (they're twins). They eventually found out who their real parents were just so they could know. But they were so thankful every day of their lives that their adoptive parents CHOSE them and provided wonderful opportunities and a real family, which they would not have had without their parents' choice to pick them.
I am a strong believer in adoption watching how much it impacted my friends to feel chosen. So not only are you experiencing that feeling now, but your future child will experience that from you too. I think that's just one of the amazing examples of how we learn from God and turn around and pass it on to someone else.

MomMom said...

Excited for you, Amy, and so thankful God has given you this direction and peace. I'm looking forward to celebrating this journey with you. Linda

emilia. said...

Oh what a good post! I am so happy for you. :) Adoption is so cool... You're going to change a child's life by giving him/her a nice, loving, godly home.
Blessings to you!
Xoxo.

Mc Allen said...

ok, wow. I totally get this post. Im not going to comapre my situation with yours @ all. my hubz and I had a daughter ( and I have 3 girls from my prior marriage) He wanted another child. I tried for 6 years and have not been able to have another child. I have run the gamment of feelings from anger at myself, at God, hatred of myself, dispair, and about 20 others. But like you, I can't explain why but He also changed my heart. I no longer grieve when I see my friends PG or long to hold another one of my own. Im praising God for His faithfulness to you, and also to me. He Blesses us well beyond what we deserve. Yay for your decision to adopt and thank you for sharing this. xoxo LA

Life Is Crazy Beautiful said...

What an incredible post, Amy. It is hard, when faced with infertility, to remember that God loves you (and not a bit less than those who physically birth children). It takes a lot of faith to see that the choices He makes are because He loves us (and those whom we affect) SO much...that He chooses what we can't imagine - for His glory! Your outlook is a blessing...:)
Lisa

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Praying for and with you both! I am so excited about your decision to adopt. What a marvelous testament of God's in your lives!

Tawny said...

Very heart touching poem and thoughts you shared.
You are a amazing strong woman and I admire your faith :)

ThingsToDoWithKids said...

this is so sweet to read. I am so happy that the Lord is going to bond you with a child. Blood does not matter, you will still be your chil's mother. I can already tell that you are going to be a great mother. I am so excited for you.

Staci Danford said...

You are an incredible spirit to have moved to this place in your life.. God can do things that no man can even budge.. What an inspiration you are to us all.. We should all let God lead us more often instead of showing him where we'd like him to take us..
Blessings your way,
Staci

alanna said...

oh i have GOOSEBUMPS! i think adoption is one of the most beautiful decisions you can make, and you won't regret it for a minute. i'm so glad God has blessed you in this way!

Nadine said...

That was such a beautiful post! Thanks for being so honest and sharing something so personal! You're a blessing to all those ladies out there going through the same thing...I look forward to hearing more about your adoption process.

Debbie said...

Blessed be His name!

amanda said...

whew. i made it through that post without crying! even though i have no idea what it's like to not get pregnant for two years, i know what it's like to get pregnant and lose the baby. after having that happen twice in a row last year it was so devestating and i was that broken woman. but god. he's seen me through and thankfully we're having a baby. and so are you. and he is good. always. praying!

Reese Ray said...

Beautiful! Saying a prayer for your journey!

Abby said...

What an amazing poem. It really says what I can't. I'm so happy for you that God has changed your attitude and desires! God is awesome like that. I can't wait to see what baby He has in store for you! For me? I'm still up in that peom...

Jessica said...

It is so exciting to see the joy God has given you! I cant WAIT to see that little bundle he blesses you with!

Katie said...

ohh, you just gave me chills! you are so strong, strength that has obviously come from the Lord, and it shines radiantly!!! i'm so excited for you and the journey of adoption that you have ahead. what a blessing you will be to a sweet little child's life!!! amen sister!!!

The Millers said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and for the prayers! I just caught up on your blog. Your strength and faith in God inspires me!
I pray that this journey through adoption gives you the miracle you have been longing for!

Rebecca Jo said...

I think you have to go through those feelings to really understand how true they are... but Praise the Lord you have a new heart of joy for your adoption...

Seizing My Day said...

Beautiful testimony ~ God can change our hearts desires to HIS! =) I am grateful to be in your blessed blogging community... witnessing your journey! God is good!

Jenn ~

I have to tell you ... I was a nanny for a lady who adopted ... and a couple months later found out she was pregnant!... God gave her 2 children when she thought she would never have one!

julie said...

Amy,
I have appreciated your sweet comments on my blog. I jumped over here to meet you! I am so sorry for the struggle you have face with pregnancy. Although I now have two girls that keep me busy....I too know the hurt and disappointment it can bring. I do know this...God knows what He is doing and his plans are GOOD...they're even GREAT! I will be following your journey and praying for you! So exciting! Julie

Mama Llama said...

I just was catching up on my Blog reader and read this... I have a friend who is 3 years into infertility with many meds and 1 failed attempt at IVF. I have prayed that perhaps god would move in her heart to consider adoption. Would love to read a post on soem of your process in that and how you saw God changing your heart or leading you to adopt. How is the process going?