I have a question…AND I WANT you HONEST opinion even if it differs from mine:) What is your outlook on men and women’s roles in the household?
The reason I’m asking is because it’s been a real struggle for me lately. This is why….Since I started photography and working 2 full time jobs, Kaz has had to take on a lot of the household responsibilities. He hasn’t complained not once and he amazes me with the amount of work that he does at home when I’m away. Take for instance yesterday….We were out of town all weekend with the adoption meeting, and then I taught a photography class on Saturday. We got back Saturday night and yesterday I had a wedding. I was gone a total of 10 hours for the wedding. I left home at 12 and got back around 1030 last night. While I was gone, Kaz swept and moped all the floors, washed all the dishes, washed and dryed 4 loads of clothes, folded ALL of them, AND put them all away. He went grocery shopping, made our juice for 2 days, cooked dinner, helped me with a few photography items, and that’s all I saw….He could have done more. See he’s pretty amazing right? I think so!!! BUT I have such a hard time because I feel bad and guilty for making Kaz do all of this stuff. I feel bad because I feel like it’s my role is to do all the house chores…I do think it should be a shared responsibility but Kaz does it all the time…I’m SO THANKFUL…DON’T GET ME WRONG…There’s no way I could do it all or even half of it on my own. I’m slammed right now, but I feel bad that he has to do it….I was telling someone about this and they made the comment “Well, you should stop one of your jobs because it’s the wife’s responsibility to do the house work, NOT the man’s.” She was honest, but she’s from an older generation where that’s the common thing[which I'm not saying anything negative about this....Society has just changed a lot in the last couple years]….I didn’t get mad at all. I’m sure many people feel that way, but right now for us it’s not feasible. It’s not always going to be this way, but for a season it is….I guess part of me feeling guilty is because I feel like I NEED to be doing this stuff NOT him...
Anyway, I wanted your thoughts. I know everyone has different opinions….How do you feel about this?
By the way, if you can’t tell from reading this LET ME TELL YOU….MY HUSBAND is AMAZING!
40 comments:
I'll give you a week with MY husband & you wont feel guilty anymore - you'll love your husband more then ever!!! :)
I have been busy running all week - & just realized, not ONE load of laundry was done... & I love my husband, but when he complained this morning he didnt have clean clothes - I almost punched him in the face! :)
First of all, that's amazing that your husband did all of that! You ARE a lucky girl! :)
Second, in our household, I do all of the inside "jobs" and M does everything outside. Occasionally he'll do the dishes, sometimes one of the bathrooms haha but everything else I honestly don't want him doing because I have certain ways and I'm just not comfortable with him touching it all! LOL
But I feel like I'm this way because my mom was this way, my Grandmother is this way (doesnt and never has worked; she's a housewife) and none of my Aunt's work. They are housewives too. So I have no problem taking care of the house.
I do work full time though. hahaha
WOW! sorry that was so long. lol
Hope you had a great weekend! xo
Don't feel guilty at all! My hubby is the same way, and I think it is a major blessing. Especially when talking to other girls whose husbands don't help at all... but I figure that if I stayed home- I would do it all. Since I don't, it's his house too! ha!
And once you have a little one at home (congrats on the adoption process!! so exciting!!) it will be even more help!
Yesterday I declared it Spring Cleaning Day and my hubs did as much as I did- or more! :)
Go Kaz!!! I think that household chores are a shared responsibility. Because we both work full time jobs, I don't think that all of the housework should be my responsibility. Now, if I was a stay at home mom or housewife, I would not feel that way. But the fact that we both put in the same number of hours at the office, I think we should both put in the same number of hours around the house. Or I'd just get burned out. Jonathan cleans dishes when i make dinner. When we clean the house, he does the bathrooms, while I dust the rest of the house. He does laundry A LOT. (probably more than I do if i'm being honest.) I think that as long as both of you agree that this is what you need to keep your house going, then you shouldn't feel bad. You're putting in more hours than most people with all of your jobs. And you shouldn't give up your photography just to stay home and clean! And it seems like Kaz understands that. He's a keeper! :)
I think that is great! My husband is awesome, but I don't think he would ever do that many household chores if I was gone for the day! You're completely right, society has changed, and it's completely fine that he is doing some things around the house. He's just helping you out! :)
I figure he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. Not that it's necessarily fun for him! My husband is the same way, and we do great sharing responsibilities. Sitting still is not relaxing for him...he always likes to be doing something, even if its housework. Maybe Kaz is the same way? It's whatever works for you guys...don't worry about what others say or think. Enjoy your blessing of a helpful hubby!
You are blessed! I am kind of old fashioned and feel that someone like ME (a SAHM) probably *should* be able to do a majority of the chores around the house, etc. But if we both worked, we'd just have to split things up. And I am very, very blessed that The Husband helps me out whenever I feel like I'm overwhelmed or if I've been busy working at church (like VBS or something) all week, etc. So I really think it depends on the home!
I have the same amazing husband who does so much to help me around the house. Since I've been working full time I cannot tell you the many ways he has helped out to relieve some of the stress on me. His work has been pretty slow lately so he wants to do as much as he can when he is home. I do long for the day when I will be home to take back over most of the responsibilities, but we have always shared most of them anyway.
I'm thankful for my awesome man too!
P.S. Love the new header pic =)
You are one lucky girl! My husband does a lot of things, but I don't think the man has ever seen a mop!!! I think we live in a different time and place and you are both responsible for your home as you both work full time jobs. Won't you teach your child to help out when they mess things up because they are a responsible member of the household?
I am right now a stay at home mom after being a full time employee and I do all the things with no problem. I am home and that is now my job. He takes care of the outside and I take care of the inside. He does do the dishes a lot as he made a vow to clean up after dinner if I cooked for the at least 50 years!
Do not feel guilty. If Kaz wanted it a different way, wouldn't you two work it out? As long as the two of you are happy with the situation and it works for you, don't worry what others think!
BTW... can you tell me about your photography classes? I am in Charleston and really wanting to improve my skills and learn from someone who knows what they are doing!
Your husband sounds like a great guy. When my husband and I both worked full time we shared the responsibilities for the most part. But when our son was born and I quit my job, I was more then happy to take them all on. But he was working and I was not. I loved my job as a SAHM so I made sure everything was clean, and cooked, and happy when he came home as a thank you for taking on the Bread Winner role so I could stay home with our son.
But even though he works all day, he still has a "honey-do" list which he does with no complaining. And sometimes if I leave for a little bit to do something, or whatever I'll come home and he's vacumed, or loaded the dishwasher.
I don't think there are any specific roles. It's just whatever works for each family. We don't have anything set in stone, but this seems to work for us.
That is wonderful! I think that its part of marriage to share duties and he is totally being a partner for you while you are busy! There is no better way for a husband to show he loves you!
My hubby is definitely a clean freak, which is nice because he'll do a bunch of the cleaning (I am opposite), but it's also bad because he notices if I don't put the dish in the sink when i'm done using it. I'm kind of used to that because my Dad has always done the dishes and laundry. Honestly, I don't think that there should be certain roles, but rather certain roles that work for that family/couple :)
There are no hard-fast rules of who should do what but I understand your guilt feelings because I have them too sometimes.
As long as you're working and he is ok with what you're doing, don't sweat it. Sounds like you've got a great man!
Besides, the tables could turn and he'll be more busy outside the home than you are. It's a compromise.
kaz is so entirely kind - he has a servant's heart! you are super crazy busy right now... so you certainly need his help! don't feel bad! since i'm home all the time i do all the home stuff. but when i was working and was busier kelly helped out a lot too.
You're a luck lady! I do all the house work and cooking, but I also don't work outside the home. I feel that if I did work outside the home it would be a totally different story. I also feel that every household should do what works for them and remember that it's okay to ask for help when it's needed. ( I have a problem doing that myself.)
Amy ~ feel guilty??? NO WAY! feel blessed!!!! ABSOLUTELY !!! If your husband does these things for you while you are out there working and teaching and doing for others.....that is a wonderful blessing and NOTHING to feel guilty for!
When I worked outside the home my husband did these things for me and I was amazed at how much he could get done! I was sooo very thankful that I didn't live with someone who was of the opinion that it was all my responsibility....
You all are a TEAM!!! and the fact the he is Sharing in the household stuff shows that he is and will most likely be a wonderful team leader! As you all have kids this will continue as they get older and are able to be a part in the ways to make a house run smoothly so that not one person is doing it all!
Won't that be awesome :)
I can totally relate right now! My husband works hard, and when he comes home he entertains the baby to give me a break.
I always make a point to cook him dinner no matter how busy I am just so I can serve him in some way, and then he usually does the dishes! I feel so grateful, but what is beautiful about a marriage is that you don't have to define who should do this and that...its the selfless acts of love that make you want to reciprocate and do the same.
But I am with you...I can't help but feel guilty!
What a great hubby you have! But I am sure he would say...I am the lucky one;)
that is great that he helps out so much! be thankful for such a servant husband! And congratulations! I just hopped on your blog and saw your new pic and scrolled down to the announcement! SO exciting!
I love my hubby and do most of the cleaning since he works way harder and longer hours. I have to say, I wouldn't mind an extra hand on the weekends for even just 30 min!
I think number one if it works for you all, keep doing it! But I know what you mean! When I stayed home with our daughter I did everything because I had the time and felt like that is what I needed to do at that moment in my life. Now that I work for our church where my hubby is a pastor at, we both have crazy hours, and we both are tired and don't want to clean! We do a chore chart. It holds us both accountable and stops one of of us for feeling guilty because we did so much more than the other one, or vis versa. But count your blessings, your hubby sounds wonderful!
Hubs is really great about helping me out around the house on a busy work week. My work fluctuates back and forth, so some weeks I have more time on my hands. I do think it should be shared responsibility, and whoever is home more usually does more around the house. I guess it is just up to each and ever person and how it fits into their schedules... :)
And that is awesome is does so much for you, you are blessed!
Amy,
Philip helps all the time around the house and I'm a stay at home mom right now...I think it's wonderful that Kaz is so dedicated to helping out...I believe he sees how hard you work and want to be your help-mate, what a blessing...and like you said there may come a time when the responsibilities take a turn and you do majority of the house work and Kaz is more busy than you are...just remember when that happens how wonderful he was about it, and return to him the same GRACE that he has showed you during this time of your life! Congrats again on the adoption process and I will be praying for both of you:)
Love
Shamron
Wow that is so great that he has been so good about it all! I think it totally just depends on yalls jobs and all! Since your so busy it seems like you dont have time to do a thing besides work and sleep! When me and Ben both worked full time he cooked and I cleaned...when I started staying home I started doing everything so now his job is to make the money and mine is to take care of the family and house.
He is amazing! My hubby is the same! I tell him he can have my day job anyday!! LOL! honestly... I think it is a shared roll... I love mowing the lawn... sometimes I NEED to cut the lawn! he doesn't mind the dishes... it balances out. And my hubby gets more done than I do indoors... what is up with that?! I think the kids play more computer when he is home! ha ha! the dog ends up in his crate more.. etc... ;) Don't feel guilty... enjoy it if he is willing!
Just Jenn~
You have an amazing husband! We "share" the chores but I have to say I do a few more...and he mostly only does them when I ask :)
You have a thankful heart, and you shouldn't feel guilty unless it is causing a problem between the two of you. I tend to fill my plate too full and my honey ends up doing a lot of the work too! But he wants to do it! God has provided you with an amazing husband who is willing to share the responsibility of the household and for that you should rejoice and be glad!
I think it's great your husband helps out around the house. My opinion was always that the person who contributes less time at work should pick up the slack around the house. That's often the wife, but not always. But I'm not married so who knows!
I may not be the best one to answer this...but to me the real question is not who does what...but are you willing to help each other. Is the "man" willing to do housework and is the "woman" willing to do yard work. If you just as willing to help him when needed as he is to help you..then I think you have success and the guilt should go away. Just my thoughts!
I don't think there should be certain duties a woman does or a man does (well, other than child bearing, for obvious reasons). It's a partnership, which looks different for each couple depending on each person's strengths and attitudes toward each of the responsibilities. There are no "women's jobs" in a healthy relationship. It's the 21st century and there is equality between men and women. Let's throw away the stigma and let whoever has the time and energy do the laundry and dishes. If that's not you, then that's totally fine. You pull your weight in other areas of the relationship I'm sure. I really don't think who does what matters, as long as you are both contributing in equal ways.
be sure to swing by my blog... there is something waiting for you!
I just found your blog and wanted to say that I am so excited to read about your adoption journey! We adopted my sister when I was 10 and she was just a few months old. I couldn't imagine life without her. I hope to adopt someday myself. CONGRATS!!
first off - I haven't gotten to tell you CONGRATS on adoption! That is SO exciting :)
2nd - can your husband come train mine? LOL - mines learning but it's still a struggle for him to be aware that there are dishes in the sink, dirty clothes that need to be washed etc. My theory is - we both work full time jobs so we both can do stuff around the house!
i don't think 'lucky' is the right word, but way blessed...for sure.
i think that for our house, we take turns doing more than the other around the house. and we balance each other out. sort of like you guys are doing. he sees the need and is filling it, not that some guys don't! but he truly i think HAS to have a servant's heart. and the bible says to love your wife as christ loves the church. he is showing his true love to you by serving you and helping you out. i think christ would do the same thing. i'm a stay at home mom and some weeks my hubby does more than me. but it doesn't make me feel like a failure for not doing it during the day, it makes me realize that he realize all the other stuff i do during the day and truly do not have time for sweeping or what have you. i struggle with that more than anything like 'i'm home i should be doing ALL of it' then i realize that i'm also taking care of four (and a half) kids. schooling two of them. changing diapers on two of them. taking them to dance class. doing the shopping etc. and realize i do more than i thought! last night i told shaun i was thankful he worked so i didn't have to. and he laughed at me...and said i work harder than he does. awww. sorry to take over these comments. wow.
that is too wonderful! you are a lucky gal! but i'm sure your husband is just as lucky!
i guess i feel like all the household chores should be shared! it really just determines on the family! but there is not only one role for each partner!
Don't feel bad! I often get that guilt because my husband is quite amazing as well, and I have to tell myself that I am doing other things that are important to our household as well.
Lucky girl for such a great husband too - they are few and far between.
Let's start with the fact that my husband and I travel for work EVERY WEEK. So, I have a housekeeper to keep the house in check and I take care of laundry, groceries and dry cleaner.
He is responsible for all the organization itens like cupboards and closets, since he is OCD about organization ; )
I think our role as the wives is to be the suitable helper for our husbands. After all that is why God created us. Man needed a companion. However I see nothing wrong with your husband giving you a hand around the house and with chores for the time being. I think this stage is temporary and you should accept it gracefully.
I'm sure you help your husband in other ways and that's what counts. We are here to serve each other. My husband says the secret to marriage is to "outserve" each other. Your husband is certainly doing a pretty good job. ;) I know your turn will come to outserve him/your marriage. (i.e. sleepless nights up feeding a baby, etc.)
Enjoy your husband and thank him for loving you through his actions. =)
I think it's a two way street. Yes, I am a traditionalist and want to cook, clean, etc. for Mike while he does the "manly" stuff like mowing the yard, taking care of the cars, etc.
With that said, I appreciate so much when Mike helps cook, do the dishes, clean (I won't let him touch the laundry!) :-) and I want to and enjoy helping him with the outside stuff because I know he appreciates it.
As long as the communication lines are open and one person isn't annoyed or frustrated with doing something (or the other person NOT doing something) then I think both husband and wife can do whatever they want/need to do to support each other and keep a truly happy home.
(rock on to your husband, by the way)
Growing up, my mom has ALWAYS been the bread winner. If she had to, she would go to work at 7am and not come home until 9pm. My dad would work but my mom just has the entrepreneurial spirit in the family. She's pretty good at delegating. They usually split making dinner and she usually does the laundry, but my dad does most of the cleaning stuff.
I realize that growing up like that has translated into my relationship with my husband. I do all the laundry and I'm the "working" one, while he usually comes home by 3:00. But, I haven't quite trained him yet to do all the housework! (Kidding!)
You do have an amazing husband. He truly loves you and that is why he does those things for you. In this day and age, there really isn't a defined role for each gender when it comes to household work. If your husband was super busy with work and you were home, you would probably do the same things for him. It's all about love and respect.
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