issues of the heart...

A lot has been going on in our life lately...The Lord has been doing some really big things and we have been in a season of waiting and praying... 

When we started this process, we knew that a lot of prayer needed to go into this. We felt the Lord calling us to give up soda, as a way of fasting and praying. I’m not going to lie, it was very hard at first because I’m a coke zero junkie. Some people carry around bottles of water...in my bottle, there’s always coke zero. We made the commitment to drink no soda[with 1 date exception] UNTIL we heard on this matter. Last Monday, we were in week 3. I’d been doing good with the no soda, but you know after awhile, it’s easy to NOT DO SOMETHING and FORGET why you are doing it...So let me tell you a little about last week for me... 

Let me just say one thing before I start...When I have fasted in the past, I never talked about it. I think that it’s a private thing between oneself and the Lord...but this time has been different because I really believe the Lord has called me to “share” what I have been LEARNING through this time of fasting. I’m sharing not to bring any glory to myself, BUT I’m sharing because I truly believe this is a life lesson that HE has been teaching me. 

Last Sunday... 

Kaz and Annie Rice went to church, while I stayed home with Maggie[she had a really bad cold]. While they were at church, I did my bible study at home. I really felt convicted about giving up facebook, instagram, and pinterest for awhile. That’s a really BIG thing for me. I’M ALWAYS, always on my phone. Checking facebook throughout the day, posting instagram pictures, and looking at pinterest when I’m sitting at home, or riding in the car. Before going to bed, I lay awake scrolling down the phone...If I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I will usually look at it, and in the morning too. It’s been pretty sad, but it’s continuously grown as a habit, one could say. OR it could be that these things have become “functional Gods” in my life. In biblical terms a functional God is something other than God that we set out heart on (Luke 12:29; 11 Cor. 10:9), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4:5), that masters and rules us (Ps. 119:133; Eph 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isa. 42:17; Matt 6:24; Luke 12:4-5)... When Kaz got home, I told him what the Lord had revealed, and He committed to giving facebook and instagram up as well. I knew this would be hard... 

On Monday morning, I was having my bible study time and the Lord revealed ANOTHER thing He wanted me to give up...TV. My first thought was really, why must I give up TV too? Let me give you a little background information...Towards the beginning of last year, the Lord really convicted me of my TV shows and music that I listen too. He laid such heavy convictions on my heart about this last year, that I cut our cable package down A LOT to include the tv channels that I watched pretty much everything on[mostly reality..BRAVO especially]. So in my mind last Monday morning, I thought, why in the world would I need to give up TV. I’ve already given so much of it up. I don’t watch that many shows..I watch or record maybe 6-7 shows a week. In my mind, that’s good compared to the 20 I used too! BUT the Lord kept working and I kept fighting. I told Kaz that I would do this BUT AFTER I watched the season premiere of Dallas last Monday night. I would not miss it..how selfish? 

So all of last week, I gave up TV...Well, until Thursday. I last 2 days. I got so mad at the Lord on Thursday, BECAUSE I was tired of waiting. Is that not the silliest thing you have ever heard? Because I got mad, and wanted this to be in MY timing, I got mad and had an attitude. I let it slowly effect the next couple days and by yesterday, I was not only watching TV, but checking facebook, and drinking soda. I HAD FORGOTTEN JUST HOW MUCH THE LORD HAD DONE, AND WHY HE WAS CALLING ME TO GIVE UP THESE THINGS...Yes, it may not be “normal” to the world, BUT He doesn’t call me to be normal in the eyes of the world, He calls me to be obedient. Instead of being obedient, I went running back to those things that provide a false sense of comfort. This morning in my bible study, all of these convictions hit me at once. How selfish I am and just how sinful my heart really is...In the end, it’s not about how long I wait, what I give up, or how I succeed and fail at it...It’s about the work that HE is doing in and through me during this waiting time and whether or not I choose to use that time I had in the past spent on facebook/TV on just some “other thing” , or IF I use it to glorify Him. I don’t know WHY I haven’t learned this lesson yet, BUT it’s NOT ABOUT the THING I’m waiting on...It’s about the things that HE is doing through the waiting. He’s not asking me to give up all of these things as punishment, it’s just the opposite. I know and have to constantly remind myself, that He’s doing a work through these things that is far greater than I could ever ask or imagine..He’s working out incredible blessings for my life. The path may be squiggly..I may “forget again” and run to other things, but I’m thankful that my God is a God who forgives, correct, and reminds....AND LOVES NO MATTER WHAT. His love never fails...He never gives up on me. 

Psalm 130: 5-6 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word, I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

the story of Maggie Ruth...

Back in May/June, Kaz and I felt very strongly that the Lord was calling us to adopt again. It honestly scared me to no end. I had more fears and concerns than I did during our first adoption. I fought it pretty much everyday and then there would be times where I was so excited for it. We talked about what we would do if we did adopt again...We went through Bethany Christian Services for our first adoption, but we have also become friends with a social work over a smaller agency here in Summerville. At the same time, I’ve always thought about international adoption, so we had also talked about the possibility of that. I started doing research, and looking at international adoption excited me so much, BUT every time I would get off the computer after looking, it just didn’t feel right. So we made the decision to go with Bethany again. I literally fought this the majority of the time[another adoption that is]. I specifically remember one day driving and calling Kaz to tell him that I thought we just needed to wait until January to start the adoption process again. I gave him every reason financially and logistically why we should wait. His response was, “we can talk about this when you get home.” The next day, I felt so embarrassed because I knew the Lord was calling us to adopt, but satan was using my fears to fight it, and fight it hard. SO I made the step of filling out the initial paperwork with Bethany without telling Kaz before I did it....I needed to be the one to fill out the paperwork because I was the one that satan was fighting with so much... We were approved, and knew that because all of the other steps we had to compete, it would be at least December before we were on the waiting list. I was OKAY with that. I was in no rush. The WEIRD part was, after we made that commitment and “announced” our news, we felt the Lord telling us to STOP and not move forward with Bethany. That’s the crazy part...Why would He lay this calling so heavily on our hearts, just to stop us? It didn’t make any sense. I honestly became very frustrated. Back in June, I started doing the Ruth bible study, by Kelly Minter, with 2 other girls from our church. They saw me struggle with making the commitment to adopt again, and one night in bible study I broke down on them because I felt so directionless. It didn’t make sense. The Lord would not get adoption off of my heart, and it was very clear He was calling us to move forward right then. So we started praying as a group, along with Kaz and I for direction. 

Roughly around 3 weeks later, we were at my parents house for labor day. We had a great weekend, and were getting ready to leave to come back home, when I decided to check my email and facebook. When I’m at their house, I get absolutely no service on my cell phone, so my messages aren’t instant. I have to check them on the computer. I pulled facebook up and I had a message from a friend from years ago asking if we would be interested in adopting a baby girl being born at the end of the month. I think my mouth literally dropped right there...the end of the month? But I thought it would be NEXT YEAR...I showed the message to Kaz and we decided to talk about it on the drive home. 

The first 45 minutes, I cried the whole time. My words were something like this, “But I’m not ready. What about Annie Rice? What about work? We have nothing ready. This isn’t what we planned. I don’t even know if I want 2. How would this work? What about me, me, me, me, me?” I was completely scared out of my mind. I needed to run in Hobby Lobby a minute before we left Florence, so Kaz dropped me off while he went to another store. What’s so funny, is during that time in Hobby Lobby, my fears started going away. I started looking at nursery decorations and even bought fabric for the nursery bedding. I became so excited I couldn’t help but begin planning. When Kaz picked me up, he said ,”wow, that was fast.” I wasn’t completely 100% sure of this, but IF THIS WAS WHAT THE LORD HAD IN STORE FOR US, IT HAD TO BE GOOD. We talked about it the whole 3 hour ride home, and there were A LOT more tears, but it all got better! Satan was using my fears to paralyze me from seeing what the Lord had in store. We talked to our lawyer and sent over our profile book for the birth mom to look through it. That day was September 3rd. We were told we should hear a yes or no by that weekend, September 7-9th. Kaz was leaving on a 10 day mission trip on September 13th. We prayed so hard to know by the 7th. If this was going to happen, we needed to start preparing and have everything ready by the time Kaz left because the due date was 2 days after he got back from his trip! I’m not going to lie...During that waiting period, I KNEW this was our daughter. It was the same feelings I had before we got Annie Rice. BUT I knew the Lord had to work a lot out, so I just kept praying. Did I mention we didn’t have a current home study? We found out Friday the 7th, that the birth mom wanted us to be the parents. She really liked us and had looked at an agency, the state, and other people they knew and no one seemed right for her baby. SO we contact our lawyer, and asked and prayed if we could have a home study done in those few days before Kaz left on his trip! Can you believe our home study was done in less than 5 days[our part at least]. Miracles happened. We were able to get physicals in a days timing[which is a miracle because we were told they schedule those 3 months out]. Miracle after miracle happened. 

That saturday after we found out, my sweet friend[and member of our bible study] Jennifer, went with me to Babies R Us to look at cribs and dressers. We had to quickly change our guest room into a nursery. I didn’t know if I would be able to bring things home that day, but I was sure hoping because I knew if I had to order them, Kaz would not be able to put them together before he left on his trip. We got to Babies R Us and I told the worker that I needed a white crib and dresser and preferred not to order it, BUT I also didn’t want the most expensive one. She said in most cases you have to order, but she would look in the back. She had 1 white crib in stock, the most basic you can get, which was EXACTLY what I wanted[I had already looked online]. They also had a white dresser in the clearance section still in the box that I could take home that day! Our next stop was the furniture store...I needed a grey sofa bed[the guest room became the nursery]. I told the sales lady what I wanted and that I couldn’t wait 4-6 weeks for it to arrive. She said, “we actually have 1 grey sofa bed that just came in the other day. How does Monday work for delivery?” So in a 3 hour time frame, I had basically the whole nursery complete! ANOTHER GOD THING. 

The next day, we told our sunday school class what had happened and asked for prayer. During sunday school, one of the husbands in the class came up to Kaz and said they had a ton of girl stuff that had been sitting in their garage that they needed to give away. They didn’t need it anymore. Their daughters birthday was the same as our birth mom's due date! They met us that night with a van full of stuff. A swing, bouncer, play mat, exersaucer, changing pad, 12 boxes of clothes, etc. REALLY? The Lord was showing us that HE WAS ALL OVER THIS and He was IN CHARGE. He was taking care of the details...2 days later we met with our social worker to have our home visit for the home study. It was a breeze. 2 days later, Kaz left for his mission trip. AN HOUR before he left the states, I got a message saying they may induce the birth mom 2 days before he was supposed to arrive back home. We began praying hard. I knew that if the Lord wanted this, it would happen, BUT I REALLY wanted Kaz here. 

While he was gone those 10 days, my emotions were all over the place. In the beginning, I was a little mad that he was gone during all of this, and I had no way of contacting him. I was having to make decisions that I never imaged I would make on my own. Then my perspective changed so much, and I began just to pray for him and that the Lord would use him to reach this people group he would be ministering too. I began to see that the Lord thought we could handle this even as crazy as it sounds and as it felt, and HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I COULD RELY ON FOR STRENGTH during this time that Kaz was away. 

Kaz arrived back home on Sunday, September 23rd and I just really thought the birth mom would go in labor that day. BUT, JUST as I said, the Lord had a plan and he allowed our family of 3 to spend time together for a little over a week before the birth mom went in labor. I didn't expect that long...BUT I'm thankful HE GAVE us that. We needed it as a family, and Kaz needed to re-cooperate from his trip. We had been tossing around some names and I really wanted to use the name Margaret. Both grandmothers had it, my aunts and cousins have it, and it's my middle name. Originally, I wanted to use it with another name. We had the name Mary Margaret picked out and I even told my parents that was the name BUT the Lord would not get the name Ruth off of my mind. Kaz loved the name Mary Margaret and when we prayed for this sweet baby, he prayed for her by that name. I talked to him about Ruth and how special it was to me because the Lord had done SO MUCH through the Ruth bible study I had been doing. This whole adoption story happened during this study. The Ruth study honestly changed my life..so he thought about it for a couple days, and really knew my mind was set so he said okay:) HaHa

We got the phone call Monday afternoon that this sweet baby girl was born. The birthmoms delivery was a miracle and even blew the doctors and nurses away...but it wasn't a surprise to us, because we had been praying for exactly what happened. Miracle after miracle. We met sweet Maggie Ruth yesterday. I honestly didn't know how I would feel. With any child, there's a period of bonding and I was so nervous because we knew nothing about newborns and since I didn't physically carry her for 9 months, that bond was only made through prayer up until that point. BUT the Lord is good. When we saw her sweet little face, I fell in love. She's the sweetest baby and such a blessing from God. I really wish I could share more of this story...there's so many details I just can't, but it has been a true testimony to me that GOD IS IN CONTROL OF EVERY DETAIL, HE will allow things to happen that you never dreamed of if they are in HIS plan, and HIS BLESSINGS are more than I deserve. I am so thankful for our little family of 4. It's not what I ever imagined, but I couldn't be happier! 

JOY....

Psalm 126:1-6

When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” 

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with JOY.

Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. 

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of JOY. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of JOY, carrying sheaves with him.

The girls in my bible study have been studying the book of Ruth. It really has been an awesome study. Pslam 126 was one of the chapters we read this week and these verses couldn’t have hit more home to me than they did. Kaz and I went through a very hard couple of years with trying to start a family. It seemed like that season of hurt, anger, and bitterness would never pass by...If only I had seen this verse back then...I may not have believed it at the moment, but I sure believe it now. I cried so many tears before the Lord asking and praying for a baby...What He gave me was JOY and a little girl with the most JOYFUL spirit. She really has so much JOY and brings so much JOY to other people’s lives. I’m reminded of this every single day in even the small things that may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me I see the Lord’s hand all over her. He has given her that JOYFUL and caring spirit. I see HIM at work when we walk by a complete stranger who may be smiling or looking down, and Annie Rice yells at the top of her lungs “Hey” just to get a smile out of them. I’ve seen her hug a little boy or girl while playing who was crying, just to help make them feel better. She made a complete strangers day today, as she was the mother of the groom and trying on dresses for the wedding. She walked out of the dressing room to show her husband the dress and my sweet Annie said, “So pretty Mommy” and then as the lady started walking away she yelled “bye bye princess”. The lady immediately turned around and came and gave Annie Rice a hug. Little moments like that may not seem like anything different from other children, but the truth is the Lord orchestrates all of those moments for HIS glory, and HE is daily working in her life to bring HIM THE ULTIMATE GLORY. I pray I always see that.  The Lord did exactly what He promised in Psalm 126...We sowed with a lot of tears, but He has given more song of JOYS than I could ever say...He is so GOOD and FAITHFUL to us. 

storms in life...

The last few months, I haven’t really shared anything personal on this blog...Not because I didn’t want too, but because honestly I have kind of shut down. My mind has been on mostly work and I haven’t spent a lot of time doing anything else but being a mom, being a wife, and work. Work completely took over my life really since the beginning of April. I overbooked myself way before we got Annie Rice, and I never realized just how much work in the last 4 months would take its toll on me. But over the last 2-3 weeks, the Lord has been doing a whole lot in my heart. He’s been showing me just where my heart has been the last few months, but also showing me that “where I have been” is not where He wants me. I’m not talking about work wise...He is still calling me to photography but He is NOT CALLING me to let photography be the main thing in my life. He’s calling me to allow HIM to be the main thing in my life. I have been really selfish lately...Not in ways really that anyone could see except Kaz and the Lord, but there have been certain things that we have been talking about it doing and I have been very selfish in them, EVEN THOUGH I could see the Lord clearly calling us in those directions. 

Today, He reminded me of a really sweet message. These last few days have been long! Potty training...and what we’ve been doing is just that. Using the potty a whole lot, which means I have been sitting and watching Annie Rice a lot! I haven’t really had a lot of time to do much else unless she’s sleeping or when Kaz gets home because she goes to the potty every 10 minutes it seems like[but that’s a good thing:)] Today I put dinner in the oven and it had about 30 minutes before it would be done. Kaz got home and I decided to go for a run. The weather was kind of iffy...It wasn’t raining but looked stormy. I started running and felt great! About 5 minutes into the run, it started steady drizzling, and by the time I had turned around at my halfway point, it was raining so hard it was hard for me to see...I kept looking, hoping I would see Kaz driving in the car coming to pick me up, but I never saw him. A few minutes later, the rain had slowed down, but it was still stormy. When I made it home, even though I was soaked, looked like a mess, and the clouds were still really dark, I couldn’t help but smile because I finished the run and it honestly felt refreshing. I wanted to walk so badly the last half mile, but I just couldn’t...I wouldn’t let myself. The whole run the Lord kept reminding me of something He really showed me while we were going through our “rainy/stormy season” of infertility and adoption journey. I even had a sign made to hang on the nursery door that said ,”It only rains for a little while. So when it does, drop your umbrella and dance awhile”. The Lord reminded me that the storms in life will come, but He wants us to rejoice in them and “dance” as the sign says...The rain may be light or so hard you can’t see out of it, but He WILL ALWAYS be there even if I CAN’T SEE Him. Just like in my run today, He carried me through to the finish even though I was tired, wanted to give up and walk at the very end, and wanting so badly to just see Kaz coming to pick me up. Much like I do the storms in life...I just want Him to “pick me up” on the journey and make the last steps easy. BUT I’m THANKFUL He doesn’t do that! Instead, He lets us keep running the race, pushing us and carrying us through, so that when we are on the other side[literally and one day in Heaven], we can smile the biggest smile we’ve ever imagined. What a GREAT and MIGHTY God we serve. All of the things I have been so selfish about, are really because I am scared to move forward in any direction. I’m scared because I don’t know what will happen, and right now my life is great and comfortable. BUT HE reminded me today, that if HE CALLS me to something, HE WILL CARRY ME THROUGH no matter how scary and how many rain storms come my way....and who am I to judge? What I think "might" be a storm in life, could turn out to be one of the biggest blessings of all? I think I’ve already learned that lesson at least once....I don’t know why it hasn’t stuck yet. 

And to think I thought I was just going for a nice evening run....He is GOOD and I am THANKFUL. 

happy gotcha day, Annie Rice....

Words can't describe the excitement I have been feeling the last 2 weeks just knowing this day would be here soon. This time of year is such a happy and joyous time for us, because today a year ago on June 25, 2011, we met our beautiful little girl. We had no idea what we were going into, but we knew 1 thing...the Lord hand picked this little girl for our family and we could get through any situation with Him. I remember this day last year like it was yesterday...

Kaz and I both went for a run that morning...We had lunch at Qdoba with my parents and then made the drive to Myrtle Beach. Kaz was a nervous wreck because he just wanted to know the adoption papers had been signed by the birth mom...surprisingly I was very calm. We got to Myrtle Beach a little early so we went to Market Commons and ate a sweet treat at the Chocolate store. We got a text from our worker that the papers had been signed and we could make our way to the office. We went into a little room in Bethany's office that has a large supply of clothes, toys, etc for birth moms. We met a little girl, whose name started with a K. Her birth mom and birth dad came in and gave us this little girl. The moment was harder than I ever imagined. All I wanted to do was hug and kiss this little girl as much as I could, but I had to control my emotions until after her birthparents left. They said there goodbyes and we hugged for a long time. I thanked them over and over for giving us this precious gift. I felt at the time and still do so underserving of such a beautiful blessing. Finally, the 3 of us along with our worker, was the only people left in the room. We signed our papers and named our daughter Annie Rice. We started the drive home and I just couldn't put my camera phone down. I took so many pictures of Annie Rice's smile, feet, hands, hair, and her sleeping. We got back to our house and were welcomed by my parents and Liz and Todd. Boy, did this little girl show off. She clapped and smiled so much. We fed her and she made faces and giggled the whole time. We gave her a bath and she splashed all in the water! We gave her a bottle and put her to bed...and we slept in her room that night! It seems like yesterday. I remember almost every detail. Today is a celebration of not only Annie Rice, BUT the Lord's continued faithfulness in our lives. We struggled for a long time, we cried a lot of tears, and we prayed many prayers for a family and I couldn't imagine anything better than what the Lord has blessed me with today. The Lord has used all of Annie Rice's delays for His glory. Today, on the very day we got her a year ago, she made 2 milestones at physical therapy. She's continuing to become stronger everyday and she's growing into the most beautiful little girl. She does things and says things that I can't help but laugh at. I love her with all my heart and I'm so thankful for her. Adoption is such a beautiful thing, and I'm so thankful the Lord called us on this wonderful journey. 

Thank you Lord for Annie Rice Prikazsky. 

a year ago....

 Today....

I had to include this last picture. This is Annie Rice's physical therapist. She did so much today at PT and made us laugh pretty much the whole time, including putting this shirt on her head just like this, and wearing it around for 30 minutes! She's a silly little girl!

my little fighter...

You may remember my post last week about struggling with Annie Rice's development. On Wednesday, one of our friends asked if we wanted to go to the park. To be honest, we've never taken Annie Rice to the park...Last year, when she got to be mobile, the seasons changed and it was colder, so we have never taken her until now. I have to say, it was not the easiest thing....I worked with her for a good 30 minutes at trying to help her climb 4 stairs so that she could slide down the slide! She was frustrated, I was frustrated...but she had fun and was completely worn out that afternoon! 

The very next day we had actually planned to meet our Early Interventionist at another park. It was very overwhelming. There was about 50 children there! Annie would get frustrated and moms would crowd around wondering why my 21 month old wasn't walking...There was one particular tube that kids could crawl through. It had a slight incline. My little Annie tried scooting up it...that's what she does first with everything! That didn't work, so we worked with her until we were blue in the face, trying to get her to crawl up it...[She's never crawled, scooting is her way of getting around]. She cried, and cried, and cried because she wanted so badly to get up that tube. I cried and cried because I was sad seeing her frustrated and just wanted her to get it...Finally, my smart little girl decided she could scoot up it backwards! Sure enough, she got it! In her own way! To say that time at the park was hard, is an understatement. 

I was determined to keep pushing her. Thankfully, we have a small park just a few feet away from our house. So that afternoon, I decided to take her. When we first got there, she could not get up the stairs to get to the slide. She worked and worked for about 20 minutes, and when we left this is what my little fighter could do! It was very special! Her legs are covered in bruises, black and blue from all her hard work, but she's getting there! I'm so proud of her and I'm thankful that the Lord is continuing to do big things in and through her precious life!

HE IS SO GOOD....

One thing I know for sure...The Lord’s plan is perfect. I may not always understand it, but I know that His plan for me is the best thing possible in this world. Annie Rice has been the biggest blessing in our life. I look at her every day and wonder how did I get so lucky to have her as my daughter. She was loved before we ever met her...and our heart has grown with so much love for her it could probably explode!  Before we adopted Annie Rice, we knew that she had special needs. We were told her development was a lot worse than it actually was. Since we have gotten her, she has grown so much! She has achieved so many things that she couldn’t do before...At 12 months old, she could roll over and sit up if you put her in that position. That was it! She couldn’t crawl, sit up on her own, hold her own bottle, etc. I can honestly say up until around December, her delays never bothered me. It was something I simply didn't’ struggle with...But after hearing multiple comments from different people, our pediatrician, and even people we didn’t know I let Satan get a wedge in, and this area started to bother me. Play dates with friends who had 6-7 months old, started bothering me because they could do more than Annie Rice could and she was 17-18 months old. I have seen myself get more and more defensive with others when it comes to her development because I have just wanted everyone to see just how far she’s come...I wanted people to see what I have seen her do! But the truth is, it shouldn’t be anyone else’s concern. Annie Rice is loved and she has grown and developed and that should be it....but it’s not that simple:( It has been a daily struggle for me. She started physical therapy and seeing an early interventionist about 3 weeks ago...I think that has added to my struggle because I’m told every week where she should be...Sunday, was one of the hardest days that I’ve had with her development. I struggled all day, talked to Kaz, talked to friends and held back the tears....I just struggled. I KNEW HOW FAR SHE HAD COME BUT I WANTED HER TO WALK....And I know that she will walk just not in my timing...On Monday, she had PT and I had planned on really talking to the PT about some of my concerns. I woke up that morning and prayed that the Lord would do big things that day....I could have jumped up and down with what he did do! My sweet baby girl took 3 steps on her own during PT. She hasn’t taken any since but that’s not the point. The point is, she did it! She has started pushing her shopping cart more and more....taking about 15-25 steps each time she pushes it. I am so proud of her...She bucks and fights us pushing her, but it’s the same way the Lord pushes us. We may not like it, and even though it’s good for us, at the time we are comfortable where we are....It’s amazing how much the Lord shows me through those 2 little eyes. While my struggles with her development will not disappear, I’m thankful that the Lord has given me the strength to keep fighting through them, and that HE is continuing to do big things in this sweet little girls life. I am blessed beyond words....

a year ago today, our world changed...

A year ago today a lot happened...I woke up excited, nervous, anxious...because a year ago today we went to an ultrasound to find out the gender of a baby that we thought would be ours. We had received a phone call that morning saying to be prepared because the birth mom was really struggling...After thinking about it, we decided to still go to the appointment. We had lunch with her just like we always did before doctor’s appointments. She talked to us about how she was struggling but how putting the baby up for adoption was the best thing for her. As we left the restaurant and made our way to the doctor’s office, my gut feeling wasn’t any better. I can’t explain my feelings but I was genuinely sad...I wasn’t myself. I can’t really explain why....We went to the doctor’s office and the nurse said that the birth mom would be seeing a different doctor today. The birth mom said, “I hope it’s not Dr. ____, because I don’t like her, nor does my sister.” When the doctor came in, sure enough it was the Dr. she didn’t want to see. As we sat in the ultrasound room, I was in front of the birth mom to the side, Kaz was on the other side, and the birth mom in the middle. As the tech moved that wand over the birth mom's stomach, it wasn’t long until we knew it was a boy. A BOY....my heart sank. I was disappointed. I REALLY wanted a girl. Kaz could see the look on my face. I should have been happy but I knew that having a boy would change everything with this birth mom. It would make things harder because there wasn’t a single boy in her family...I knew chances were, this would be last we ever saw of this baby boy. The Dr. saw us after the ultrasound and the birth mom introduced us as the adoptive parents. I still can’t wrap my mind around what happened next...Why, it happened? The doctor told us a story of a child who had been adopted. How brave the birth mom was, and how giving a child up for adoption is such a big decision. That child she was talking about was her child. She had adopted a girl...She talked about the Lord and how He has such a plan for all of us. She even prayed for us.  I had to fight back the tears. At the time, I thought she was saying all of that to the birth mom, but in reality she was saying it to me! 

That night, we found out the birth mom was pretty sure she wanted to keep the baby. Our relationship with her did go on up until she had the baby, but it was never a for sure NO until that night....Feb 9th. 

I can still remember this time last year, so clearly. What I was wearing, where we parked, every detail....After we heard NO, we were sad. We had thought for months that we were going to have a baby around June 18th! What we didn’t know was that WE WOULD have a baby around that time and it wouldn’t be this baby boy....IT WOULD BE OUR SWEET DAUGHTER ANNIE RICE. Like I mentioned, we kept up with the birth mom up until she delivered the baby. She had the baby on June 12th....It was a hard day. We had been on the waiting list for the 2nd time since Feb 9, 2011 and hadn’t gotten one interest from other birth moms...I prayed so hard that we would have a baby soon....On June 13, 2011[the very next day from the birth mom giving birth to that little boy] we got the phone call about our sweet daughter Annie Rice. 2 weeks later, we brought her home. What a JOY and BLESSING she is in our life. A year ago today, I never would have imagined I would be so happy. The Lord’s plan is SO PERFECT and even though the road is not always smooth, I am very thankful for those bumpy paths in our life because they have made up stronger and we have the absolute most precious daughter in the whole world. Her story is perfect and I pray everyday that it brings GLORY to God everyday. 

a year ago TODAY....

A year ago TODAY, was like any normal day. I remember sitting in the recliner watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta[yes, I watch this trashy show:(]...Kaz called and said our code word...We made up a code word so that the other person wouldn’t just keep talking about normal stuff...The code word meant good news from our adoption agency...I immediately stopped in my tracks and in my mind Kaz couldn’t talk fast enough. A year ago TODAY, we got a phone call about a baby...A BABY we thought was OUR BABY....A baby we wanted, prayed hard for, and fought for...BUT in the end the birthmom chose to keep him. It’s kind of ironic because 6 months ago almost to the exact day, she gave birth to that baby boy. We were crushed when she decided to keep him...BUT a day later we got THE phone call about our sweet, adorable, absolutely perfect daughter Annie Rice. A year ago TODAY, I thought the road would be easy...Looking back, it wasn’t easy at all BUT I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER in a heartbeat for Annie. TODAY I’m truly THANKFUL for ALL the Lord has done in our life. I’m THANKFUL for the hardships...I’m THANKFUL for HIS PERFECT PLAN...My heart is overflowing with THANKFULNESS...

 a year ago TODAY, I would have never imagined I would be sitting in my living room with a 17 month old little girl...HIS PLAN is perfect....HIS TIMING is perfect....HIS LOVE is perfect....

Praise God from whom all blessing AND TRIALS flow....

a year ago today, I didn't have all these memories...TODAY I AM TRULY THANKFUL!

it's about the journey, not the destination...

Lately my heart has been pretty heavy for some women struggling through infertility and the adoption process...I know all to well the different stages of emotions that are apart of these journeys...but today, at my MOPS meeting I really got to thinking hard about those stages for me and some amazing things that the Lord did... 

The first 2 years that we struggled, as each month went by I would become madder and madder...As that happened, I also became sad and thought the Lord was out to punish me...and I didn’t understand why. It was hard to see the positive because I was so focused on the negative. It honestly wasn’t until March of this year that I completely surrendered my heart and future for a family to the Lord. Why March? I’m not really sure...Things ended with our first birth mom the beginning of February and the Lord really worked in my heart a lot through that...but really up until March I kept thinking and saying that, “I will be happy when we get a baby...I will be happy when we have a family...I will be happy when.....” For me back then, a baby and family was the DESTINATION...That’s all I could see. GETTING TO THAT PLACE. When Kaz and I went on our vacation to the Grand Canyon in March, I remember being at a place where I said to myself I will be OKAY if we never have children...If it’s just me and Kaz for the rest of our lives...Did I still think about a family? Absolutely..and I was still trusting that would happen BUT I began to see that the Lord had been changing us throughout the WHOLE process and it wasn’t just about the destination of having a family, but about the journey getting there... 

I emailed just a couple days ago with a reader of my blog about her journey...My advice probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear BUT something that a mentor told me AND I THINK ABOUT DAILY...The Lord will do what He wants for your life that will bring HIM THE MOST GLORY. It’s not about how long or short the wait is, how much you are hurting, how obedient you are[although that’s SUPER important], etc...It’s about HIS PLAN AND HIS GLORY. Some people have oftened asked why do I think that we didn’t get Annie Rice when she was born...Her parents knew they were going to place her up for adoption even before she was born...but they waited 11 months before doing so. Do I wish at times I could have been apart of those 11 months? Yep, I sure do...BUT I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, that I had to go through what I did for those 11 months to be the person I am today. If I had the choice, would I change it? My honest answer is NO! I wouldn’t. I didn’t think at the time I needed changing at all. In fact, I would have been plain mad if someone told me that. Looking back, I see just HOW MUCH the Lord needed to do in me... 

This blog is my feelings and struggles that I go through...it’s my life...it’s a journal...BUT I hope it’s also an encouragement to you. Because even though infertility and adoption was my journey, I know that each of you are on other journeys BUT the same principals apply. Don’t keep saying, “I’ll be happy when....” Because when that thing comes, there will be something else....Trust in the Lord’s plan for your life, pray for JOY everyday AND DON’T LET SATAN STEAL THAT JOY... 

Jeremiah 31:3 

I have loved you with an everlasting love; 

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness

He IS faithful...

This past weekend we celebrated babies AND the Lord’s continued faithfulness. Below are my 2 cousins, Jessica and Tyler. Both of these women struggled with infertility at the same time that I did. We had many conversations, text, and emails encouraging one another in this process. We all wanted the same thing for each other...a baby or babies! It brings such JOY to my heart to see the Lord answering our prayers for each other. 

Tyler had twins at the beginning of the year, we got Annie Rice in June, and Jessica is due in October! We celebrated at Jessica’s baby shower and the twins dedication!

I hope this brings encouragement to you, but especially to all you waiting moms. I say waiting moms because I know in my heart you are already moms...Just waiting for that special baby to enter your family! I can honestly say the Lord HAD/HAS BIGGER PLANS for us than I ever could have asked or imagined. I remember and can even picture me and Kaz holding our hands out in church each week while the pastor read Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do more than we ask or imagine...

We held out our hands KNOWING He would do great things, BUT I never imagined they would be as great as they are. HE is so faithful, and my heart grows more and more thankful everyday. 

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart. 

HE is mighty to save...

Over the last few years, I have been on a spiritual and emotional roller coaster. There were days where I literally was so mad at the Lord, and then days where all I wanted to do was cry. He has grown my faith in ways I can't explain, especially over this last year. A song that brought me to tears every time I heard it was He is Mighty to Save...I couldn't sing these lines in church without stopping because if I kept singing I would burst into tears and not be able to stop...

Savior

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save

Forever

Author of Salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave

For so long, I WANTED so badly to believe that He could move the mountains in my own life, but most of the time I doubted because of my hurt. For the first time, this past weekend I was able to sing this song KNOWING AND BELIEVING 100% that HE not only CAN move mountains BUT HE DID in my life...of course there were still tears:)

Kaz and I started the adoption journey really not knowing what the future held...If I'm honest, it appeared to be more of a solution to our problem than anything else. I wanted to go through it as quickly as possible and get our baby. Before we were ever put on the waiting list, we had to attend a certain number of meetings through Bethany to learn more about adoption and help us through the journey. I remember sitting in a small trailer with about 7-8 other couples and thinking to myself that we would probably be the last couple chosen...That was my worst case scenario fear kicking in....I was right...We were not only the last couple out of the group to be chosen but we saw many other couples that went through the process after us get chosen. It REALLY WASN'T AT ALL about us....It was about HIS PERFECT TIMING and the CHILD HE HAD CHOSEN FOR US. While at times during the waiting, it was easy for me to see that, the majority of the time it was very difficult for me to see that...I mostly saw my hurt, pain, selfishness, and occasionally could see the bigger picture. I still can't see the bigger picture to its fullest BUT what I can see is the Lord's FAITHFULNESS to us even when I wasn't faithful...I CAN SEE the blessing of adoption and how in reality it wasn't just a solution but it's now a calling to our life...AND I CAN SEE glimpses of just how much the Lord loves us that He would give us such a special little girl and allow us to go through everything we did...because in the end, we are so much stronger AND I HONESTLY WOULDN'T CHANGE one thing. 

If you've been following my blog, you've read several times about the first birth mom we were paired with. We really thought that was the baby, especially when she came back into the picture a month before she was due. That last month, I grew in my faith more than I did the whole year we waited...Even though it hurt, I'm thankful we went through it...and every time I look back, it amazes me at the Lord's timing...That the very day after she had the baby, we got the phone call about our Annie. It wasn’t a coincidence...It was His perfect timing...For awhile, we didn't have anyone who was going through the same thing that we were, and that frustrated me in itself that I had no one that could fully understand...but now when I look around, the Lord has blessed us with so many friendships through adoption, which brings me to this...

Lately, I've received so many emails, facebook messages,and even phone calls from women struggling during their waiting, wanting more information about adoption, or even just saying they had been praying for me. 

I have had a heavy heart about helping and have been praying about where the Lord was leading me with this...I'm still not 100% sure of what this will look like, but I believe the Lord is calling me to start an adoption/infertility support group online. Truth and encouragement from others are great, but it's so much easier talking to someone if they have been through the same thing. If you are in the adoption process, struggling through infertility, considering adoption, have adopted or simply just want to pray for these women who are please send me an email at: amyprikazsky@gmail.com 

Tell me a little about your situation, where you are located and over the next few days you will hear more...This is not just if you live in SC, it's anywhere! I'm excited to see what the Lord is going to do!