storms in life...

The last few months, I haven’t really shared anything personal on this blog...Not because I didn’t want too, but because honestly I have kind of shut down. My mind has been on mostly work and I haven’t spent a lot of time doing anything else but being a mom, being a wife, and work. Work completely took over my life really since the beginning of April. I overbooked myself way before we got Annie Rice, and I never realized just how much work in the last 4 months would take its toll on me. But over the last 2-3 weeks, the Lord has been doing a whole lot in my heart. He’s been showing me just where my heart has been the last few months, but also showing me that “where I have been” is not where He wants me. I’m not talking about work wise...He is still calling me to photography but He is NOT CALLING me to let photography be the main thing in my life. He’s calling me to allow HIM to be the main thing in my life. I have been really selfish lately...Not in ways really that anyone could see except Kaz and the Lord, but there have been certain things that we have been talking about it doing and I have been very selfish in them, EVEN THOUGH I could see the Lord clearly calling us in those directions. 

Today, He reminded me of a really sweet message. These last few days have been long! Potty training...and what we’ve been doing is just that. Using the potty a whole lot, which means I have been sitting and watching Annie Rice a lot! I haven’t really had a lot of time to do much else unless she’s sleeping or when Kaz gets home because she goes to the potty every 10 minutes it seems like[but that’s a good thing:)] Today I put dinner in the oven and it had about 30 minutes before it would be done. Kaz got home and I decided to go for a run. The weather was kind of iffy...It wasn’t raining but looked stormy. I started running and felt great! About 5 minutes into the run, it started steady drizzling, and by the time I had turned around at my halfway point, it was raining so hard it was hard for me to see...I kept looking, hoping I would see Kaz driving in the car coming to pick me up, but I never saw him. A few minutes later, the rain had slowed down, but it was still stormy. When I made it home, even though I was soaked, looked like a mess, and the clouds were still really dark, I couldn’t help but smile because I finished the run and it honestly felt refreshing. I wanted to walk so badly the last half mile, but I just couldn’t...I wouldn’t let myself. The whole run the Lord kept reminding me of something He really showed me while we were going through our “rainy/stormy season” of infertility and adoption journey. I even had a sign made to hang on the nursery door that said ,”It only rains for a little while. So when it does, drop your umbrella and dance awhile”. The Lord reminded me that the storms in life will come, but He wants us to rejoice in them and “dance” as the sign says...The rain may be light or so hard you can’t see out of it, but He WILL ALWAYS be there even if I CAN’T SEE Him. Just like in my run today, He carried me through to the finish even though I was tired, wanted to give up and walk at the very end, and wanting so badly to just see Kaz coming to pick me up. Much like I do the storms in life...I just want Him to “pick me up” on the journey and make the last steps easy. BUT I’m THANKFUL He doesn’t do that! Instead, He lets us keep running the race, pushing us and carrying us through, so that when we are on the other side[literally and one day in Heaven], we can smile the biggest smile we’ve ever imagined. What a GREAT and MIGHTY God we serve. All of the things I have been so selfish about, are really because I am scared to move forward in any direction. I’m scared because I don’t know what will happen, and right now my life is great and comfortable. BUT HE reminded me today, that if HE CALLS me to something, HE WILL CARRY ME THROUGH no matter how scary and how many rain storms come my way....and who am I to judge? What I think "might" be a storm in life, could turn out to be one of the biggest blessings of all? I think I’ve already learned that lesson at least once....I don’t know why it hasn’t stuck yet. 

And to think I thought I was just going for a nice evening run....He is GOOD and I am THANKFUL. 

i was a soldier for the day...

On Tuesday, I was an extra on Army Wives! My mom came down and watched Annie Rice for the whole day! I had a call time of 430am, which meant I had to get up at 3am! It was a lot of fun, but I was VERY tired when I got home that afternoon and it was VERY HOT! I was literally in the direct sun for about 4-5 hrs in the army gear! It gave me a whole new appreciation for men and women in the military! The only downside was I found out a couple spoilers that won't air until next season:) Overall, it was a lot of fun but I did miss being at home with my baby girl!

In one scene, I was literally standing behind Colonel Burton and Michael Holden! I was so close I could have reached out and touched them! It was very cool:)

an adoption update...

I have re-written this post several times...So much has happened over the last week...I started out wanting to share every detail, then decided they really didn't matter at all...To make a very long story short, the birthmom decided to keep the baby. I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't been hard...we have been sad, disappointed, confused at some of her actions...BUT in the midst of all of that the Lord has been our comfort and has given us hearts of thanksgiving. He not only answered 1 of our prayers but 5 of them. 

Every single day for the last month, I have prayed 5 specific things for this birthmom:

1. Either the Lord would keep the door open or close it..... He closed it.

2. She would 100% sure of her decision.....She is.

3. IF this was the baby, He would grant us favor in her eyes....Clearly, this isn't the baby, so He did not do this.

4. He would prepare our hearts to meet this baby, or prepare them to hear that she chose to parent....Without a doubt, He prepared our hearts for this news.

5. He would give us a peace about the situation before we went on vacation....He certainly did.

When Kaz and I heard the news that she was going to keep the baby, we both were upset. BUT the Lord REALLY DID prepare our hearts for this news. We had even talked the night before about it. I told Kaz that I just didn't think it was going to happen with this baby. I said I couldn't tell if it was the Lord changing my heart or me guarding myself. NOW I KNOW, it was the Lord. As much as we want a baby, we don't want one that wasn't meant for us. The Lord not only did a work in answering these prayers, but He also gave us a peace in forgiving this mom....Like I mentioned before, A LOT has happened over this last week. Some of the things made me so mad at her....very confusing things....BUT after we got word on her decision, I really saw the Lord change both of our hearts to keep praying for her and this baby. Not that she would change her mind, but for her as she raises this child. Kaz was definitely the leader in this...His prayers have humbled me more than I can describe..

A lot of people often ask how we feel...I've never talked about this on my blog BUT I'm starting to see that an experience I had in college prepared me for this relationship with this birthmom...

In college, I was head over heels in "love" so I thought...We will call him "Dan"[sorry, I just don't want to give real names:)]. Dan and I dated off an on for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I just KNEW he was the one. Things were perfect...Very much like how Kaz and I felt in the beginning with this birthmom. 

We built a very strong relationship...We were moving towards the future. Then things went sour...We broke up, would get back together, break up, get back together....It was a very emotional rollercoaster. During our breaks, I would pray we would get back together...I really felt like He was the one. He would text, call, so would I, even though we knew it would make things harder. During times of us not talking, I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. It's no different than with this birthmom. We built a relationship...I cared about her...I wanted to know how she was...BUT knew if I did, it would only make things harder in the long run. When she came back in the picture recently, I felt all the same things...I really thought this was the baby and the Lord opened that door again. 

Years later, Kaz came into the picture even while I was still dating Dan off and on. I could CLEARLY SEE that Kaz was so much better, YET MY HEART was attached to Dan. I REALLY THOUGHT he was the one. I couldn't give that up...BUT IN THE END, THE LORD BROKE THOSE BONDS, HEALED ME, AND GAVE ME KAZ. He was SO MUCH BETTER than I ever thought I deserved or had hoped for myself. Had things never ended with Dan, I wouldn't have Kaz. I REALLY BELIEVE I'm in the same situation again....My heart is broken...I'm sad...There is a loss and a relationship tattered that has ended...YET, I'm having to trust the Lord has something so much better in store for us. Does it make things easy? Nope, not at all. BUT the Lord has proven himself faithful over and over and over in our lives. AND I KNOW HE WILL BE FAITHFUL IN THIS...

When Kaz and I started dating, it was all in the Lord's timing. It didn't come when I wanted it to....It's no different with this baby. There is a perfect time...I told Kaz last week that I felt like everything that happened in our story 6+ years ago really did prepare me for this. I believe that with all my heart. Close friends who walked that journey with me, are still with me today and I'm so thankful for that. 

At times, it's really hard to trust and walk by faith that the Lord has a plan...that we aren't starting back at square one...and that He has something in store for us so much more than we could have ever asked or imagined...When it's hard for me to believe that, all I have to do is look at Kaz. Our story is living proof of this very same truth. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your wonderful emails, prayers, encouraging letters, etc. They have each meant so much to me. More than anything, I hope our story brings encouragement to each of you that the Lord is GOOD even in hard times. He is FAITHFUL and He has SUCH A PERFECT PLAN IN STORE FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES.

Psalm 27:13

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

waiting...

Do you ever just feel like the Lord is trying to tell you something....You get tons of things from it, but you can't figure out the main thing He's trying to say? 

That's how I've felt this weekend...Saturday was the perfect day for me. I slept late..Kaz brought me breakfast in bed...We took Miley for a walk...I layed out in the back yard and read for about an hour...and then I had a wedding....the day was absolutely beautiful and I enjoyed it to the fullest. At weddings, I really try to be attentive during the ceremony, speeches, etc because I usually take some piece of advice away from each wedding. I LOVE listening at weddings....During the "unexpected" toast from the father of the groom, I felt the Lord speaking truth to me over and over. The father broke the speech down into 3 parts: spiritual, fatherly, and humorous. One thing he said during the spiritual part was this: NEVER GIVE UP...It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Those 11 words had me fighting back the tears...I actually thanked the father after for his words of encouragement to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear...

Sunday morning at church the sermon was about waiting...As soon as Kaz and I saw the title we both knew we were in for a good scolding because lately, we haven't waited "well". The main thing that our preacher kept saying over and over is that most of the time, the Lord works more while we are waiting than AFTER we get what we have been waiting for. That the blessing is in the waiting...

Kaz and I went out to dinner last night and had some time to really talk over what we took away from the sermon....It's amazing HOW MUCH the Lord has done in us over the last 3 years...

Adoption was NEVER a option for us...To be perfectly honest, it was kind of a "fix" to our problem. We wanted a family...couldn't do it on our own...so we started down the adoption path. Today, my heart is 100% changed. Adoption is not only an option BUT it's a part of our life NOT JUST NOW, but in the future. We BOTH know that we want other children THROUGH adopting..hopefully from another country. We both have a desire to help others in the adoption process...We both want this for our life. I have no idea why we are still waiting or even what the Lord has in store....BUT I'm committed to finding out. I don't want to waste this time of waiting and miss out on the opportunities He has for me. I may struggle from day to day, BUT I'm going to fight to believe that HIS TIMING IS PERFECT because it is. SO IS HIS PLAN...

While the hurt that I feel at times, seems like too much....in the end will be all worth it. It already is JUST BY SEEING WHAT HE HAS ALREADY DONE IN MY LIFE. 

psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

being real....

The WHOLE reason I started this blog was to be real...honest...and hopefully to touch the lives of other women struggling through infertility. Sometimes being real is scary...but for me writing is much easier than actually talking to someone about my feelings. SO, what I’m about to post is me being REAL. I’m in NO WAY writing it for people to feel sorry for me, or even to hurt for me...I’m writing it because I have to be real with myself. My mom reads my blog everyday[she’s the best!] but I always hesitate when I write hard stuff because I never want her to hurt for me..or cry. So mom, please don’t cry:) I love you!

I have had a very hard time this week with the adoption...After we found out everything last Thursday and Friday, I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. That’s not me at all...I normally want to talk to people BUT this time I didn’t. The only people that I talked to besides Kaz, was my mom and Liz. All other communication was through text or email with other friends. If I’m honest, I still haven’t wanted to talk about it...The story itself is really sad. We had a very close relationship with the birth mom and really got to know and care for her. When Kaz and I knew last weekend that we would go back on the waiting list, I was completely, 100% scared out of my mind. This is the reason: I had NO CONTROL. At least with us knowing the baby was due in June, we had control over our schedule. We knew June was the date. I kept telling Kaz, lets wait until after our Vegas trip before we go back on the list. He asked me why...My reasoning, because I had no control. The thought that we could get a phone call at anytime, really really scared me. This week, just the opposite. I would trade Vegas or any other plans,any day for a baby...

Yesterday, I bought some diapers like I have every week when I grocery shop. When I buy them, I see the picture on the front and it brings up emotions BUT what really gets me each week, is when I have to put those diapers in the empty nursery. Kaz and I have had the nursery door closed for months now. We only go in there when we need to. Granted, all the doors are closed in the house when Miley is loose, but that door ALWAYS stays shut. I’ve been thinking lately about “preparing” the diaper bag. Especially now that we are on the waiting list, I thought it might be a good idea. BAD IDEA....I can’t tell you how much I cried after putting everything in that bag. I cried for a couple hours yesterday...I just couldn’t stop. I’m NOT mad at the way anything has happened. I’m NOT running from the Lord. I’m NOT angry, but I do hurt...I am sad.. I imagine the way that Kaz and I feel in a sense, is the same way someone feels whose had a miscarriage later in their pregnancy. We didn’t carry that child physically, but we were apart of every doctors visit. We heard the heartbeat for the first time with the mom...We saw all the little tiny parts of the baby with the mom....We have prayed for this baby everyday since we found out...We have prayed for this mom and cried over her hurt in life....We in a sense, have had a loss. It’s been very sad. BUT I am trying to move on. Neither Kaz nor I, regret the last 3 months...We haven’t once questioned the last 3 months...The only way I can explain how, is the Lord. He truly has given us both a peace. BUT I do question the timing...I question when will it happen now? I question why we have to keep waiting....

I talked with Kaz last night about why he thought we have kept the nursery door shut. We both had the same reasons...It’s just easier. It’s the same reason I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s been going on...It’s just easier....The same reason, I’ve left all the ultrasound pictures in the car from last week’s appointment...It’s just easier....

I’m beginning to see, that the Lord doesn’t care about whats easy...Obviously, there is a plan in all of this. Nothing in me, wants to wait...BUT WAITING I MUST....It won’t do me any good to run from this...I have learned that. 

So today, I’m “trying” to put an end to some of those things that seem “easier”....I’m opening the nursery door and walking inside and praying for the baby we will one day have....

I got the ultrasound pictures out of the car and am putting them away....

And I finally talked to a friend about what has been going on...I may cry 100 times a day, but thats ok. Without HOPE, my soul would die. I refuse to let that happen...I’m going to fight, instead of run....

I’ve mentioned several times that this blog is my journal. I’ve printed out the first year of my post into a book. It just so happened that the 1 year mark, was the same day that we found out about the baby. I wrote a letter describing everything that happened..I didn’t want to forget anything.. I read this letter yesterday...It’s the last page of my blog book. I have also avoided that book because of that one post...BUT I’m not ashamed of it. It simply wasn’t meant to be...That I know...Just like the party. Even though plans were made, decorations and candy were bought..it just simply wasn’t meant to be. No one except Kaz and Liz have seen these pictures or letter, but it’s my way of moving on. It’s not easy for me to share. I have cried the whole time I’ve written this post, BUT I do want to remember days like today because I’m fighting AND I KNOW THAT MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. HIS PLAN IS PERFECT AND ONE DAY SOON I WILL SEE THAT...

pictures we took as decorations for the party...

 the day we heard the heartbeat, the baby was the size of an avocado...

The day I found out about you...[the letter I wrote]

The day I found out about you was one of the happiest days of my life! I woke up[at my parents house], spent time with dad and miley, and ran 6 miles in Hartsville. 

Before heading back to Charleston, dad and I went to Wal-Mart and ate a sub at subway. 

Driving back to Charleston, I kept dreading the holidays because it was another year that we would be childless. I got a call from Kaz, saying that Bethany had sent out a recruitment email and the baby was perfect, however there were a lot of legal risk involved. Once again, I got down and wondered when we would ever get to hold you in our arms. 

I made a few stops on the way home by Target and Wal-Mart. Once I got home, I had to catch up on the tv that I had missed the last few days. I started watching, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, when I got a phone call from Kaz. He said that our social worker had sent him an email and asked if we could talk sometime that day. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up. I thought, surely she’s just wanting to talk about the recruitment email. I kept thinking about it, and finally I stopped and prayed that the Lord would guard my heart and allow his plan to prevail. After 20 minutes of waiting, Kaz called me back and told me about you. 

He said that your mom wanted the best for you. She knew that she couldn’t provide that for you. He said that she had chosen us to take care of you. That she was 8 weeks pregnant and you were due June 16, 2011. My heart couldn’t have been any happier. 

I wanted to know all the details....Your dad and I both have been waiting so long to hear something about you, to meet you, to tell everyone we know about you. I was so happy that I wanted to call and tell everyone I knew. So many people have been praying for you....

After talking to your dad, I prayed for you and your mom. I was so anxious to see Kaz that I wanted him to come home right then! We both agreed not to tell anyone until he got home, BUT I couldn’t wait! I called Anne. I told her everything! She started crying because she was so happy to meet you soon.

As soon as Kaz got home, we talked about you. We were so happy. We called Cy, Peter, Emily, my mom and dad. We couldn’t wait to tell them! We had to go drop off a U-Haul right down the street, so on our way we stopped by sonic and ordered a route 44 peach tea to celebrate you! 

That night we had previously made plans to eat dinner at Moes with our close group of friends[and community group]. We had always talked about how we wanted to meet them for dinner at Moes the night we found out about you. The Lord worked those plans out perfectly! On the way to Moes, I called Blythe, Liz, Pam, and Helen. Everyone cried when I told them...they were so happy. When we got to Moes, it was hard not to say anything at first. We wanted everyone to be there! Once everyone got there food and sat down at the table, Kaz asked if he could pray. I could tell he was so excited but wanted to make sure everyone was listening. He told everyone about you. The table applauded with praise. Everyone was so happy. They have been praying for you for over 2 years. All night long, the questions kept coming about you. The joy and excitement from our friends was amazing! Before we left Moes, we took a few pictures to remember that special night. 

On the way home, I called Dawn and Baylis. Before we went to bed, we prayed for you and thanked the Lord for his blessings. We had been praying to have you by Christmas, and while we wanted to physically hold you in our arms we were comforted knowing that this was our first christmas as a family of 4. Even though you weren’t physically with us yet, you were alive. You were growing and would be with us soon. 

We love you sweet baby. We have cried and prayed for you so many times. The Lord has heard our cry. He has blessed us. AND we can’t wait until that special day when we get to meet you. Boy or girl[although I know you will be a girl], it doesn’t matter. You are our baby[on loan for awhile]. We promise to love you, provide for you, tell you all about Jesus, laugh with you, cry with you, and most importantly pray with you. 

Until we meet you-

Love, 

Mom and Dad[and sweet Miley]

Just as I wrote in this letter, and I prayed the Lord would guard my heart and His plan prevail...I can honestly say that He has/and is doing this. The last 2 weeks show me that. You see, by me being real, what REALLY is happening, is the Lord showing me His faithfulness in my life.....

2 Thess 3:3

For the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you....

ROCKY start....

today started off ROCKY....and it's only 630 in the morning!

I woke up to Kaz telling me the pipes were frozen because we both forgot to drip the water last night! My first thought was OH NO! Now, remember He woke me up to tell me this. The ONE day this week that I HAVE to take a shower and I can't!  LET ALONE, YOU have to take a shower! YOU JUST RAN 5 MILES! OH BOY! I wasn't happy. I showed NO GRACE and really made him feel bad. I didn't mean too, I was just going crazy because we have to go to Columbia today AND really NEED a SHOWER! AND then there's Miley. She had no water to drink!

I heard Kaz go into the laundry room to get a white shirt out of the dryer that I washed last night and then I thought...OH NO I forgot to put them in the dryer!

I guess I can't be mad at him anymore! SO we started over! It's one of our little fun things to do....and we can usually laugh about the situation then! THIS TIME we both messed up!

SO WHAT TO DO NOW? Kaz didn't have time to go to the gym to take a shower....Our neighbors weren't up....SOOOO we went to desperate measures! He had to wipe down with these! Ha-Ha

Always Feminine Wipes - Feel fresh and clean all day, every day

He put on plenty of deodorant and lacoste cologne AND took his toothbrush to work! I haven't figured out my plan yet but I STILL have a few hours!

Praise the Lord! His love overflows with grace...

Ephesians 2:8For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
See All... "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God."

Living in fear….

First, let me start by telling you a story that happened last night…

We bought a stroller from some friends of ours[NO, we are NOT pregnant BUT we do HOPE to have children one day AND this was a very nice stroller AND a great price!]. Well, it was in our office folded down and Miley happened to see if for the first time[We got it on Monday night]. Of course, she started barking at it and was VERY scared…I kept telling her it was Ok[because by me saying Ok, she knows it‘s OK to do something]. Well, she barked and had her tail between her legs. SO I HAD the brilliant[NOT REALLY] idea to open it up so that she could see the whole stroller. Well, I didn’t lock it so when she went to smell it, the stroller collapsed and she tucked her tail between her legs and took off running…I felt awful. So I put it up again and LOCKED it this time. She was so scared she wouldn’t even come near it. She got in the corner behind Kaz and tried her best to jump and get out of the wall in our kitchen[MIND, the stroller was nowhere near her at this time..]. So then I thought well I’ll force her to smell it SO I picked her up and took her over to it. She got away and wanted nothing to do with the stroller. SO THEN, Me AND Kaz put the stroller in the extra bedroom and took her in there and locked the door. We stayed for 20 MINUTES and still she wouldn’t go near it, so then Kaz tried once again to pick her up and take her to it. Miley was so scared that she started SHAKING FOR 10 MINUTES…SHE WAS SO SCARED. So we gave up trying….

BUT I FELT AWFUL….I FELT AWFUL THAT I TRIED TO MAKE HER LIKE IT..I FELT AWFUL THAT SHE WAS SCARED AND I MADE IT WORSE…I FELT AWFUL BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HER TO BE SCARRED.

I thought about this all last night and it reminded me of some things in my own life…Miley couldn’t see that the stroller wouldn’t hurt her…She couldn’t see that everything was ok and she was safe. By her hiding from it, she was living in fear…I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I LIVE IN FEAR 90% of the time. I automatically think the worst… It’s something Kaz and I always talk about…

I worry all the time that I left something plugged in at home, EVEN if I’ve checked it 3 times. I’ll leave for work and start worrying and in my mind I can already picture the house burned down, how I find out, and what we will do from there…
With adventurous stuff, like hiking I LIVE in fear and believe that an animal is going to attack me and Kaz is going to watch the whole thing, and I imagine what he would do without me….
If I call Kaz, and he doesn’t answer and I know he’s driving, I think the worst. I think what if he was in a car accident and something really bad is happening…how will I find out, what will I do, etc?

NOW I know this sounds crazy, BUT I KNOW that YOU have done this also…You may not do it AS MUCH as I do but it’s common for most women. NOW in doing this, I’m not trusting in the Lord’s protection of my life or His plan, AND I MISS OUT ON SOME REALLY GREAT THINGS. See just like with us last night…I KNEW that Miley would be okay. There was nothing that was going to happen to her BUT she DIDN’T see that or believe that. It’s the same with our walk with the Lord...HE HAS THE PERFECT PLAN…HE WATCHES OVER US….AND HE DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES IN OUR LIFE[unlike me trying to push Miley to do something that probably made the situation worse…]
Even though I’m scared of the unknown[or future] because I can’t see what’s in store, it DOESN’T mean the worst…The Lord’s plan is PERFECT, HE IS GOOD, AND HIS PLAN IS GOOD FOR ME….AND FOR YOU!!

I’ve taken a lot from the incident last night and I’ve tried to explain it but maybe I haven’t in the best way….Did you get anything from this story? Any lessons learned or truth shown? Tell me about it….

Here are a few pictures from last night….