a love book for him...

Lately, I have been cleaning out and trying to organize things that have never been organized before. The one thing that always got me, and I really never knew what to do with was all the notes/cards from Kaz and my parents[see Mom and Dad, I didn't only read them, I kept them:)]. I've always kept them in a REALLY large folder but it has always driven me crazy because it was chaotic and in order to find something, I had to go through every letter or card. My friend Carissa swears by SMASH books, so I decided to give it a try and make a love book of all of our notes/letters so that we will always have it, be able to look at it whenever we want, and hopefully one day allow our kids to see how our relationship struggled and grew over the years. I worked on this book for about 5-6 hours and gave it to Kaz yesterday...He loved it. He loved it so much he woke me up this morning at 5am to tell me he read some of the letters this morning[I was pretty grumpy..I'm not a morning person:)]. I love how it turned out and it really was so neat to go back and read through all the notes we gave to each other...I even found the letter Kaz first told me loved me in:) I included some other things in the book as well such as honeymoon plane tickets, a program from when we visited President Ford when he passed away, college football tickets, etc. The best part is we can keep adding to it...pretty soon, we will need to start a new book! 

I am now a fan of SMASH books and have BIG plans to use them for some other projects.

 his first I love you:)

more than I deserve...

the Lord has blessed me with more than I deserve...I was thinking the other day about His grace and salvation...How he continually forgives me no matter how many times I fail Him. As I was thinking about this, I thought of Kaz. Kaz shows me Christ love every single day...Our story is an example of just that. I hurt him over and over before we even dated and he kept forgiving me and fighting for me. To read more of our story click here for Part 1 and Part 2. 

Kaz is such a strong, Godly man and I am blown away by him...I’m not a morning person by any means especially when someone wakes me up. When Kaz leaves in the mornings for work and I’m still sleeping, I like for him to be as quiet as possible...Mornings when he isn’t, I can be pretty grumpy but every morning before he leaves I always feel his hand on my back or shoulder. Sometimes I push it off, but when I feel it I know what he is doing. He’s praying for me. He does it every morning. That shows me more love than any flowers or presents could ever say. 

He is always there when I need him...He tells me if not every day, almost every day how beautiful I am to him whether or not I feel that way or not...

Growing up, I always thought I would marry a “country boy” and at times I have tried to get him to be more that way...dress as he calls it, a cowboy...BUT I LOVE HIM just the way He is. He scares me to death at times with his adventurous side but I love it. People have always said he looks like Mel Gibson...I don’t see it anymore but I used to...I always tell him that Mel Gibson doesn’t even compare to him:) 

He pushes me in every area of my life and let’s me dream really BIG. When I tell him, don’t think I’m crazy but I did this....He always listens and supports me in it. He is my heart, my best friend, and I’m so thankful to have this amazing man as my husband. I love you Kaz more than words could ever say...

an adoption update...

I have re-written this post several times...So much has happened over the last week...I started out wanting to share every detail, then decided they really didn't matter at all...To make a very long story short, the birthmom decided to keep the baby. I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't been hard...we have been sad, disappointed, confused at some of her actions...BUT in the midst of all of that the Lord has been our comfort and has given us hearts of thanksgiving. He not only answered 1 of our prayers but 5 of them. 

Every single day for the last month, I have prayed 5 specific things for this birthmom:

1. Either the Lord would keep the door open or close it..... He closed it.

2. She would 100% sure of her decision.....She is.

3. IF this was the baby, He would grant us favor in her eyes....Clearly, this isn't the baby, so He did not do this.

4. He would prepare our hearts to meet this baby, or prepare them to hear that she chose to parent....Without a doubt, He prepared our hearts for this news.

5. He would give us a peace about the situation before we went on vacation....He certainly did.

When Kaz and I heard the news that she was going to keep the baby, we both were upset. BUT the Lord REALLY DID prepare our hearts for this news. We had even talked the night before about it. I told Kaz that I just didn't think it was going to happen with this baby. I said I couldn't tell if it was the Lord changing my heart or me guarding myself. NOW I KNOW, it was the Lord. As much as we want a baby, we don't want one that wasn't meant for us. The Lord not only did a work in answering these prayers, but He also gave us a peace in forgiving this mom....Like I mentioned before, A LOT has happened over this last week. Some of the things made me so mad at her....very confusing things....BUT after we got word on her decision, I really saw the Lord change both of our hearts to keep praying for her and this baby. Not that she would change her mind, but for her as she raises this child. Kaz was definitely the leader in this...His prayers have humbled me more than I can describe..

A lot of people often ask how we feel...I've never talked about this on my blog BUT I'm starting to see that an experience I had in college prepared me for this relationship with this birthmom...

In college, I was head over heels in "love" so I thought...We will call him "Dan"[sorry, I just don't want to give real names:)]. Dan and I dated off an on for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I just KNEW he was the one. Things were perfect...Very much like how Kaz and I felt in the beginning with this birthmom. 

We built a very strong relationship...We were moving towards the future. Then things went sour...We broke up, would get back together, break up, get back together....It was a very emotional rollercoaster. During our breaks, I would pray we would get back together...I really felt like He was the one. He would text, call, so would I, even though we knew it would make things harder. During times of us not talking, I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. It's no different than with this birthmom. We built a relationship...I cared about her...I wanted to know how she was...BUT knew if I did, it would only make things harder in the long run. When she came back in the picture recently, I felt all the same things...I really thought this was the baby and the Lord opened that door again. 

Years later, Kaz came into the picture even while I was still dating Dan off and on. I could CLEARLY SEE that Kaz was so much better, YET MY HEART was attached to Dan. I REALLY THOUGHT he was the one. I couldn't give that up...BUT IN THE END, THE LORD BROKE THOSE BONDS, HEALED ME, AND GAVE ME KAZ. He was SO MUCH BETTER than I ever thought I deserved or had hoped for myself. Had things never ended with Dan, I wouldn't have Kaz. I REALLY BELIEVE I'm in the same situation again....My heart is broken...I'm sad...There is a loss and a relationship tattered that has ended...YET, I'm having to trust the Lord has something so much better in store for us. Does it make things easy? Nope, not at all. BUT the Lord has proven himself faithful over and over and over in our lives. AND I KNOW HE WILL BE FAITHFUL IN THIS...

When Kaz and I started dating, it was all in the Lord's timing. It didn't come when I wanted it to....It's no different with this baby. There is a perfect time...I told Kaz last week that I felt like everything that happened in our story 6+ years ago really did prepare me for this. I believe that with all my heart. Close friends who walked that journey with me, are still with me today and I'm so thankful for that. 

At times, it's really hard to trust and walk by faith that the Lord has a plan...that we aren't starting back at square one...and that He has something in store for us so much more than we could have ever asked or imagined...When it's hard for me to believe that, all I have to do is look at Kaz. Our story is living proof of this very same truth. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your wonderful emails, prayers, encouraging letters, etc. They have each meant so much to me. More than anything, I hope our story brings encouragement to each of you that the Lord is GOOD even in hard times. He is FAITHFUL and He has SUCH A PERFECT PLAN IN STORE FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES.

Psalm 27:13

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

he melts my heart...

I LOVE country music! Kaz always laughs at me because my favorite thing to do in the car is crank the radio up and sing the whole time! His idea when we get in the car is to talk, mine is sing! Ha! I, like most people, relate songs to life experiences...lately, this one song makes me smile every time I hear it! "Are you gonna kiss me or not" by Thompson square[click on the name for the video]. Our story of dating is VERY sweet BUT also very funny! I was Kaz's first girlfriend:) He was so sweet BUT it took him forever to hold my hand or kiss me! It really was sweet, don't get me wrong. It took him 3 months to hold my hand, and 6 months before he kissed me! I knew he wanted to but he was so nervous! After our first kiss, Kaz said, "That was good...I'm gonna have to do that more often"! Awww, he melts my heart! This song reminds me of when we were dating because this is exactly what I wanted to say to him! 

It makes me smile everytime I hear it....and by the way-I wouldn't change one thing about our story! Kaz was and is the perfect gentleman!

"Are you gonna kiss me or not?"

We were sittin’ up there on your momma’s roof 
Talkin’ bout everything under the moon 

With the smell of honeysuckle and your perfume 

All I could think about was my next move 

Oh, but you were so shy and so was I 

Maybe that’s why it was so hard to believe 

When you smiled and said to me… 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

Are we gonna do this or what 

I think you know I like you a lot 

But you’re ‘bout to miss your shot 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

It was the best dang kiss that I’d ever had 

Except for that long one after that 

And I knew if I wanted this thing to last 

Sooner or later I’d have to ask 

For your hand 

So I took a chance 

Bought a wedding band 

And I got down on one knee 

And you smiled and said to me 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

Are we gonna do this or what 

I think you know I love you a lot 

I think we’ve got a real good shot 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

So, we planned it all out for the middle of June 

From the wedding cake to the honeymoon 

And your momma cried when you walked down the aisle 

When the preacher man said say I Do 

I did, and you did, too 

Then I lifted that veil and saw your pretty smile 

And I said… 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

Are we gonna do this or what 

Look at all the love that we’ve got 

And it ain’t never gonna stop 

Are you gonna kiss me or not 

Yeah baby I love you a lot 

I really think we’ve got a shot 

Are you gonna kiss me or not

a few pictures from when we were dating....:)

our story[part 2].....

So after I left the Atlanta airport it was only a matter of time before I went back to my former relationship…ONCE AGAIN, I hurt Kaz….I didn’t tell him but he found out which made it worse…..

After about 6 months, I broke things off for the LAST time with my former boyfriend….I honestly thought Kaz would never talk to me again BUT I felt like I needed to explain things to him so I wrote him an email[I was a chicken, so I emailed instead of calling!]. I heard through friends that Kaz was going on some dates and I just knew I had blown it…

My good friend Spence asked me to help with a project which of course Kaz was heading up…It was Spence’s way of getting us to talk again[he had been a fan of us from the beginning..]. SLOWLY, Kaz and I started talking. We emailed a lot at first, then talked on the phone about everything you can imagine[we used to talk about food a lot!], then we started going on few dates! It was my senior year, and the beach project was coming up again…This time it was different because Kaz was on staff with Campus Outreach and the project was in Orlando, FL and we all worked at Disney World! With Kaz being on staff, we weren’t really supposed to date during the summer BUT we managed to go on a few dates! All throughout the summer, he would surprise me with little gifts….little notes….and really anything he thought would make me smile! Over the summer, Kaz had invited me to a family wedding after project[he told me I would get to meet his FAMILY…]. I invited Kaz to spend a few days at Myrtle Beach with my family….

SO the last night of project was upon us, and around 12 at night I got a knock on our hotel door and it was Kaz. See most of the people on the project wasn’t leaving the next day until around noon BUT I was leaving that morning really early at like 5am so Kaz wanted to tell me bye. When he came to the door, he said “I wanted to ask you to be praying about us dating….” That was it. I was really confused because it wasn’t like this was something new….I had already been praying about it and I wanted him to know that….So after I thought about it for awhile I texted him the next day on the drive home and asked him if he was asking me to date or if was asking me to pray about it because I had already been praying about it…REMEMBER Kaz was VERY shy;) He wrote back and said it came out all wrong because he was nervous, and that he was asking me to date:)

Well, I wasn’t about to send him a text back because we weren’t together…SO the next day he had planned to come down to Myrtle Beach to spend a few days with my family. When Kaz arrived at the beach I was really nervous because there was this awkward tension between us….Later that night, we decided to go take a walk on the beach and after about 15 minutes of trying to brave the nerve to tell him I said, “I would love to date you…” If it wasn’t bad enough saying it[because I nervous], he didn’t hear me so I had to say it again!! So that’s how we started dating…We spent out first night as boyfriend and girlfriend watching The Incredibles on the front porch swing of the beach house at Myrtle Beach!

Fast forward 8 months later, and Kaz proposed[I will tell you how at a later time!]. We got married 5 months later and here we are today! I LOVE him with all my heart and I’m so thankful the Lord didn’t allow him to give up on me! Happy Valentine’s Day Kaz!

Our Story[Part 1]....

it's a little long....
NOW before you read this….remember don’t judge me:) We’ve all made mistakes....

In college, I dated this guy[not Kaz]. We broke up right before Summer Beach Project…Now in college, I was involved in Campus Outreach. Every summer we had a summer beach project usually in Cocco Beach, FL where 100+ students from The Collge of Charleston, The Citadel, Francis Marion University, and Charleston Southern University would attend. We worked during the day at local places and then at night had different trainings to help us grow in our walk with the Lord. So, I knew it was going to be a difficult summer because this guy was going to the beach project and we were both room leaders[We lead a room of 3-4 girls/or guys]. It just so happened that Kaz was in his room….. SO of course, I didn’t talk to Kaz and honestly I could have cared less about him. I had 2 really good friends who was head over heels for Kaz but I had never talked to him…That summer we had 2 interactions:)

1. I had very bad knee problems that I found about that summer…I was told to stop running[at that time I was running about 5 miles a day]. I couldn’t stop so every morning I would get up when it was still dark and go about a mile away from the hotel so no one would see me running….WELL Kaz loved running too so HE saw me every morning and never said a word:)
2. I asked to borrow some of this camo clothes for a 4th of July party we had! This is a picture of me wearing his cloths:)

So the summer was over, and I was back at school. My best friend Logan was dating Kaz’s roommate. A friends wedding was coming up so Logan and her boyfriend[Kaz’s roommate] talked Kaz into asking me….I didn’t know anything about Kaz. A lot of people always talked so highly of Kaz but I still associated him with my old boyfriend because they were roommates for a summer so I just didn’t know about him….Kaz called and asked me on the date. The date turned into a whole weekend date…See the wedding was in Charleston so me and Logan stayed with friends and since Kaz lived in Charleston we ended up going out a couple of times. We went to the wedding, went on a date to marble slab, and out to dinner….He was SO SWEET. He paid everytime….NOW, let me just say. Kaz had never had a girlfriend so he was really really nervous…It was cute!

After the dates, he ASKED if he could call me. Of course.. so he started calling and to be honest I liked him, I just wasn’t ready for a boyfriend….I told him and we still talked every now and then but not everyday…..The next summer we had the opportunity to go to South Africa with Campus Outreach[a group of about 18 students]. We had to raise support for the trip so we knew about 6 months out that we were going[Kaz was one of the guys]. So we started talking more and more, he asked me on a couple of dates, and I REALLY REALLY liked him. Now, let me just say….I NEVER felt like I DESERVED a guy as good as Kaz. He was such a sweet, pure, loving guy and the guy I dated before was completely different….I always felt guilty because in the previous relationship we had a very bad breakup and I never knew what Kaz knew…OR what he thought of me….Since he was roommates with this guy I had no idea what he knew about our relationship and so I always felt a little guilty….Mine and Kaz’s relationship started getting more serious and the week before we left for South Africa he asked if we could go on intentional dates while we were over there…[we were still just friends…we hadn’t had a define the relationship talk but I knew he wanted to date..]. WELL, I had never fully gotten over this other guy and a week before the trip he approached me and wanted to date again….I fell for it AND HURT Kaz for the 1st time[I say 1st time because as you will see there will be a LOT of these…].
South Africa Summer….
I didn’t talk to Kaz the first 3 weeks we were in South Africa..I completely acted like nothing had ever happened with us BUT at the same time didn’t tell him I was back dating this other guy BUT he knew….I can’t imagine how much I hurt him..
The couple[Cory and Shannon] that lead the trip had a trick up there sleeve[see we all lived in the same house for 3 months SO it was obvious there was tension]. I had planned to have lunch with Shannon one day, and it just so happened Kaz had planned to have lunch with Cory the same day. Instead of us driving separately, they decided we would ride together and eat at restaurants close by….AKWARD….It was the first time me and Kaz had to confront each other….

After around week 3, I felt really convicted about the relationship I was in…See it was always something that I wanted and never what the Lord was calling me too SO I did what I wanted most of the time. I called the guy and broke it off….Slowly, Kaz and I started talking as friends…He was over all the techincal stuff and at the end of the summer was in charge of making a video, so he took a lot of pictures that summer...One of the ways he started talking to me was by asking to take pictures of me:) I knew what he was doing though....HaHa...He asked me on a date middle of the summer and I was so excited and nervous I couldn’t even fix my own hair. I made my friend Taren straighten it for me:) We went ice skating and out to dinner and had a blast! Like I’ve mentioned before Kaz was very very sweet. He always would write me little notes of encouragement, buy me little gifts, etc…BUT THIS ONE topped it off…My parents decided to visit while we were in South Africa. The day they arrived I got extremely sick…SO sick I had to be taken to the ER and have fluids injected in me…It went on for about a week and at the beginning Kaz did everything he could to make me feel better. He would go to the store[without me asking] to get me medicine…My parents stayed at a house right down the road from the house we stayed in, so Kaz would go in the mornings and pick my parents up so they could come see me….or go with my dad to get medicine or food for me…He really really cared! The last week in South Africa, Kaz asked if we could continue going on dates when we returned to the US. I said yes…..Below are a few pictures from South Africa...

when my parents visited...

one of the pictures Kaz took...

I DON’T know what came over me but on the flight back home I was so ready to be at home I didn’t even tell Kaz goodbye….I left the Atlanta airport without even speaking to him or telling him bye…I completely ignored him…..He said at that point he knew…….

To be continued…..