Monday, June 13, 2011

an adoption update...

I have re-written this post several times...So much has happened over the last week...I started out wanting to share every detail, then decided they really didn't matter at all...To make a very long story short, the birthmom decided to keep the baby. I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't been hard...we have been sad, disappointed, confused at some of her actions...BUT in the midst of all of that the Lord has been our comfort and has given us hearts of thanksgiving. He not only answered 1 of our prayers but 5 of them. 
Every single day for the last month, I have prayed 5 specific things for this birthmom:
1. Either the Lord would keep the door open or close it..... He closed it.
2. She would 100% sure of her decision.....She is.
3. IF this was the baby, He would grant us favor in her eyes....Clearly, this isn't the baby, so He did not do this.
4. He would prepare our hearts to meet this baby, or prepare them to hear that she chose to parent....Without a doubt, He prepared our hearts for this news.
5. He would give us a peace about the situation before we went on vacation....He certainly did.

When Kaz and I heard the news that she was going to keep the baby, we both were upset. BUT the Lord REALLY DID prepare our hearts for this news. We had even talked the night before about it. I told Kaz that I just didn't think it was going to happen with this baby. I said I couldn't tell if it was the Lord changing my heart or me guarding myself. NOW I KNOW, it was the Lord. As much as we want a baby, we don't want one that wasn't meant for us. The Lord not only did a work in answering these prayers, but He also gave us a peace in forgiving this mom....Like I mentioned before, A LOT has happened over this last week. Some of the things made me so mad at her....very confusing things....BUT after we got word on her decision, I really saw the Lord change both of our hearts to keep praying for her and this baby. Not that she would change her mind, but for her as she raises this child. Kaz was definitely the leader in this...His prayers have humbled me more than I can describe..

A lot of people often ask how we feel...I've never talked about this on my blog BUT I'm starting to see that an experience I had in college prepared me for this relationship with this birthmom...
In college, I was head over heels in "love" so I thought...We will call him "Dan"[sorry, I just don't want to give real names:)]. Dan and I dated off an on for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I just KNEW he was the one. Things were perfect...Very much like how Kaz and I felt in the beginning with this birthmom. 
We built a very strong relationship...We were moving towards the future. Then things went sour...We broke up, would get back together, break up, get back together....It was a very emotional rollercoaster. During our breaks, I would pray we would get back together...I really felt like He was the one. He would text, call, so would I, even though we knew it would make things harder. During times of us not talking, I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. It's no different than with this birthmom. We built a relationship...I cared about her...I wanted to know how she was...BUT knew if I did, it would only make things harder in the long run. When she came back in the picture recently, I felt all the same things...I really thought this was the baby and the Lord opened that door again. 
Years later, Kaz came into the picture even while I was still dating Dan off and on. I could CLEARLY SEE that Kaz was so much better, YET MY HEART was attached to Dan. I REALLY THOUGHT he was the one. I couldn't give that up...BUT IN THE END, THE LORD BROKE THOSE BONDS, HEALED ME, AND GAVE ME KAZ. He was SO MUCH BETTER than I ever thought I deserved or had hoped for myself. Had things never ended with Dan, I wouldn't have Kaz. I REALLY BELIEVE I'm in the same situation again....My heart is broken...I'm sad...There is a loss and a relationship tattered that has ended...YET, I'm having to trust the Lord has something so much better in store for us. Does it make things easy? Nope, not at all. BUT the Lord has proven himself faithful over and over and over in our lives. AND I KNOW HE WILL BE FAITHFUL IN THIS...
When Kaz and I started dating, it was all in the Lord's timing. It didn't come when I wanted it to....It's no different with this baby. There is a perfect time...I told Kaz last week that I felt like everything that happened in our story 6+ years ago really did prepare me for this. I believe that with all my heart. Close friends who walked that journey with me, are still with me today and I'm so thankful for that. 

At times, it's really hard to trust and walk by faith that the Lord has a plan...that we aren't starting back at square one...and that He has something in store for us so much more than we could have ever asked or imagined...When it's hard for me to believe that, all I have to do is look at Kaz. Our story is living proof of this very same truth. 
THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your wonderful emails, prayers, encouraging letters, etc. They have each meant so much to me. More than anything, I hope our story brings encouragement to each of you that the Lord is GOOD even in hard times. He is FAITHFUL and He has SUCH A PERFECT PLAN IN STORE FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES.

Psalm 27:13
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.


Ashley said...

I LOVE your attitude and perspective! You are so right- God's plans are always better than ours. Praying that you're matched with your baby soon!

Lisa @ Life is Crazy Beautiful said...

Bless your hearts. I know it is hard, but being close to the Lord has obviously given you wisdom and perspective. This I KNOW - He has an AMAZING plan for your lives!! Being faithful & strong is great, but also allow yourselves to grieve. Can't wait until you are looking back in wonder and awe at all He has done in your lives :)

GrumpyJaxMomOf3 said...

Your attitude is amazing. I agree with you 100% We may think we know what is best for us, but the Lords plan is always better. You may be interested to read my blog from yesterday. The talk I gave in church talks a lot about this and gives an example. Keep praying, and know that others are praying also.

Anne said...

praying for you sweet friend.

Misty said...

I don't personally know you but I have walked in your "waiting" shoes. I have been praying for you and your husband.

Just remember (ALWAYS)....God has a plan. A PERFECT plan to grow your family.


Sarah said...

Prayers continue for you!

will + adri said...

Love this post.

Very sorry that you've had to go through this, but it seems like you are seeing God's vision in it all. It's hard to have this perspective while you are in the situation vs. looking back after tiime has passed, but it seems like you're confident that God has something better heading your way.

I plan to keep this post as a reminder that God's plans are so much more amazing than our own.

BARBIE said...

I am sorry to hear this, but thankful that you have peace in the Lord's plan for your life and that of the child that you are meant to parent. He is so faithful!

mom said...

My heart breaks for you and Kaz but I know God is going to bless you both with a very special child that will need the love and care that you two have to offer. God's timing is always perfect and right on time. I love you both, mom

Jennifer said...

While I don't know you personally, I am very familiar with how painful the infertility and adoption road can be. My heart aches for you and your husband. We, too, are hoping to adopt. We have been waiting for a second adoption for 3 years now. This will be our second adoption. I can tell you, we felt and literally saw God's hand in our first adoption--I know with all my heart that He has a plan for each of us...particularly adoptive parents like you and me. He is preparing a special baby just for you and a dear birthmother who will have the strength and courage to help God get your baby to you.

If you'd like, you can read more about our adoption story and birthmother here:

I have no doubt that your sweet, precious baby will make it safely into your arms soon--keep the faith. :-)