I have re-written this post several times...So much has happened over the last week...I started out wanting to share every detail, then decided they really didn't matter at all...To make a very long story short, the birthmom decided to keep the baby. I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't been hard...we have been sad, disappointed, confused at some of her actions...BUT in the midst of all of that the Lord has been our comfort and has given us hearts of thanksgiving. He not only answered 1 of our prayers but 5 of them.
Every single day for the last month, I have prayed 5 specific things for this birthmom:
1. Either the Lord would keep the door open or close it..... He closed it.
2. She would 100% sure of her decision.....She is.
3. IF this was the baby, He would grant us favor in her eyes....Clearly, this isn't the baby, so He did not do this.
4. He would prepare our hearts to meet this baby, or prepare them to hear that she chose to parent....Without a doubt, He prepared our hearts for this news.
5. He would give us a peace about the situation before we went on vacation....He certainly did.
When Kaz and I heard the news that she was going to keep the baby, we both were upset. BUT the Lord REALLY DID prepare our hearts for this news. We had even talked the night before about it. I told Kaz that I just didn't think it was going to happen with this baby. I said I couldn't tell if it was the Lord changing my heart or me guarding myself. NOW I KNOW, it was the Lord. As much as we want a baby, we don't want one that wasn't meant for us. The Lord not only did a work in answering these prayers, but He also gave us a peace in forgiving this mom....Like I mentioned before, A LOT has happened over this last week. Some of the things made me so mad at her....very confusing things....BUT after we got word on her decision, I really saw the Lord change both of our hearts to keep praying for her and this baby. Not that she would change her mind, but for her as she raises this child. Kaz was definitely the leader in this...His prayers have humbled me more than I can describe..
A lot of people often ask how we feel...I've never talked about this on my blog BUT I'm starting to see that an experience I had in college prepared me for this relationship with this birthmom...
In college, I was head over heels in "love" so I thought...We will call him "Dan"[sorry, I just don't want to give real names:)]. Dan and I dated off an on for 3 years. In the beginning of our relationship, I just KNEW he was the one. Things were perfect...Very much like how Kaz and I felt in the beginning with this birthmom.
We built a very strong relationship...We were moving towards the future. Then things went sour...We broke up, would get back together, break up, get back together....It was a very emotional rollercoaster. During our breaks, I would pray we would get back together...I really felt like He was the one. He would text, call, so would I, even though we knew it would make things harder. During times of us not talking, I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. It's no different than with this birthmom. We built a relationship...I cared about her...I wanted to know how she was...BUT knew if I did, it would only make things harder in the long run. When she came back in the picture recently, I felt all the same things...I really thought this was the baby and the Lord opened that door again.
Years later, Kaz came into the picture even while I was still dating Dan off and on. I could CLEARLY SEE that Kaz was so much better, YET MY HEART was attached to Dan. I REALLY THOUGHT he was the one. I couldn't give that up...BUT IN THE END, THE LORD BROKE THOSE BONDS, HEALED ME, AND GAVE ME KAZ. He was SO MUCH BETTER than I ever thought I deserved or had hoped for myself. Had things never ended with Dan, I wouldn't have Kaz. I REALLY BELIEVE I'm in the same situation again....My heart is broken...I'm sad...There is a loss and a relationship tattered that has ended...YET, I'm having to trust the Lord has something so much better in store for us. Does it make things easy? Nope, not at all. BUT the Lord has proven himself faithful over and over and over in our lives. AND I KNOW HE WILL BE FAITHFUL IN THIS...
When Kaz and I started dating, it was all in the Lord's timing. It didn't come when I wanted it to....It's no different with this baby. There is a perfect time...I told Kaz last week that I felt like everything that happened in our story 6+ years ago really did prepare me for this. I believe that with all my heart. Close friends who walked that journey with me, are still with me today and I'm so thankful for that.
At times, it's really hard to trust and walk by faith that the Lord has a plan...that we aren't starting back at square one...and that He has something in store for us so much more than we could have ever asked or imagined...When it's hard for me to believe that, all I have to do is look at Kaz. Our story is living proof of this very same truth.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your wonderful emails, prayers, encouraging letters, etc. They have each meant so much to me. More than anything, I hope our story brings encouragement to each of you that the Lord is GOOD even in hard times. He is FAITHFUL and He has SUCH A PERFECT PLAN IN STORE FOR ALL OF OUR LIVES.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.