Wednesday, June 01, 2011

walking by faith...

I’ve really debated about whether or not to post this...but after thinking about the purpose of this blog, I decided I should...
About 2 weeks ago, I received a very unexpected text from the birthmom we were paired with up until Feb. It said, “I’m still 50/50 but if I give the baby up for adoption, I would really like for ya’ll to have him.” I couldn’t have been happier to see that text. Kaz and I honestly thought that door was completely closed....A few other text were exchanged and the last I heard from her was that she would be in touch soon! Immediately, after getting that text my mind was all over the place. I knew the due date was rapidly approaching and I didn’t want to do anything but know everything that had gone on with her since we last spoke, know exactly what she was thinking, talk to our worker so we could figure this thing out, etc. My thoughts were uncontrollable! I knew I didn’t need to get my hopes up, BUT that was easier said than done...After a whole week of worrying and trying to figure out how things would play out, I became completely worn out...which brings me to last Monday[the 23rd].
The morning started out as normal. I have added walking the bridge to my daily routine....As I started walking up the bridge, I remember feeling very overwhelmed. 
These were the thoughts going through my mind...When will she go into labor? Will she text me again? I wonder when we will actually get to see the baby? What if she decides to keep the baby for a month and then gives him up? What if? What if? What if? Normally on runs/walks I always listen to my iPod. I decided to cut it off and pray while I walked...I felt so weighed down with all the worries...Not only was I worrying, but I also didn’t believe that the Lord could do the impossible of changing the birth mom's mind[if that was indeed the baby]. One thing I kept praying over and over was that the Lord would give us encouragement and that He would take away my unbelief. 
When I got back in my car after the walk, I checked my phone. I had an email from our social worker. It was a pretty long email, but the gist of it was that the birth mom was more like 30/70 and chances are she is going to keep the baby. As much as I tried NOT to get my hopes up, they were up and after reading that email it all came crashing down. The door had been opened again and my heart was broken again. I cried all the way to Kaz’s work. That day was awful....I hadn’t been that upset since everything ended back in Feb. I was hurt, mad, frustrated, confused...I had so many questions. 
As the night went on, the Lord kept reminding me that THAT EMAIL was NOT the outcome. That baby HAD NOT been born yet AND WE DID NOT KNOW what the future held. 
Since then, it has been a everyday struggle BUT I can honestly say that whether or not this is the baby, I’M THANKFUL the Lord allowed the events of last Monday to happen. He has taken me out of the equation....There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PRAY...worrying wont’ solve it...communication with the birth mom won’t solve it.
He has shown me what faith is all about...I don’t know His plan. BUT I do know that the door is still may be barely open, but it’s open. Only He knows the outcome. My sight tells me it won’t happen. Her mind can’t be changed..My faith promises me that He has a perfect plan...It’s to give me hope and a future...He promises that He will give me the desires of my heart...AND He promises to hear my prayers and intercede to the father on my behalf.  The daily question has been which will I pick...Will I walk by sight or by my faith? I’m determined to fight this until the end. If this isn’t the baby He has for us, at least I prayed as much as I could for it. I can’t give up...AND I don’t feel like I’m supposed to. Maybe this is the baby, maybe it isn’t...time will shortly tell...BUT I’m not giving up....I have no way of knowing what is going on with this birthmom...I can’t talk to her...I can’t check her facebook....There is absolutely no way of knowing EXCEPT to trust. AND THAT I AM DOING....I’m choosing to WALK BY FAITH.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...plans to PROSPER YOU and NOT to harm you...plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE...
Matthew 6:6
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you


Summer said...

I read your blog often but don't comment to much. I found you through my sweet bloggy friend well now friend Carissa. Your blog is so touching, so inspiring, so truthful. I am so proud of you for opening your heart and posting this. I had infertility issues and struggled over 2 years before I had Kelcee. We never went thru the adoption process so I can't pretend to know what you are going thru but I know people who have experienced an adoption process that didn't work out and it is often compared to miscarriage and that is just devastating I have had two miscarriages. I too gave it all up to the LORD and I felt so much more at peace when I did and when I stopped trying to have a baby I got preggers with my Kelcee. It is all in his timing, not ours and that is the hardest part or for me it was cause I am so type A. I am so sorry the birth mom is putting you thru this emotional roller coaster and please know that I will be praying for you, Kaz the birth mom and the baby and you know you have great outlook on things for the door isn't shut and it could very well go in your favor afterall. I know your gonna lol but I watch teen mom ALOT ha and once they have a baby it usually becomes to overwhelming for some people who have planned for adoption and changed there minds so keep holding on to that hope sweet girl


Jemsmom said...

Amy, my heart just breaks for you and the pain that you are going through. I have dealt with infertility and miscarriages. I was blessed to have one perfect little girl, but am unable to have more. I know how your heart longs for a baby and you have been so incredibly brave and strong through all of this. God does have a plan and it is so hard to believe it when all you want is a child, but it is there and your faith and belief will get you through. Sending prayers your way.

mom said...

My Precious Amy, I know your heart is breaking and I wish I could take the pain away. You have brought so much joy to my life and I know one day God will bless you with a child and you will be able to share a special bond with him or her. I thank God for you and Kaz and I know his timing is perfect and he will bless you. Always just trust in him and always give him first place in your life. I am so proud of you and the woman you have become. You will be a great mom !!! Philippians 4:13

J said...

I'm so sorry friend. I don't get it and I don't get why things happen the way they do...I know God uses us because of our faith and hopefully what He wants is for us to shower her in prayer, so that His will can be done!

I will be praying!!

Jaclyn M said...

I read your blog often, and I have grown to care for you. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this emotional roller coaster. The fact that this birth mom has considered adoption means that she knows that there is a better option for her child. So that door is definitely not closed. Only God knows the plan, and what will happen. You are so strong that he knows you can handle this even when you don't think you can. This may be your baby or he might have something better planned for you. Sending love and prayers your way <3

Lisa @ Life is Crazy Beautiful said...

Amy, You rock...and just keep leaning on The Rock!! My eyes were swimming as I read of your disappointment. I am so glad I read to the end. You've got it girl - you HAVE learned a lot about faith...BELIEVING that the Father wants your very best, whether this will be it or not. Praying for you (just did, in fact)!

Chad and Corrisa said...

I pray for you and Kaz daily and for your strength with your situation. God's timing truly is perfect and I can't wait until the day you get to look back and say,"Now I get it!"
However, I know how hard it is to wait for that moment, so until then I pray God protects you and turns your suffering into joy!
You are truly an inspiration!

Unknown said...

So many prayers coming your way - thanks for sharing so we can pray right along with you!

Cary Dale Taylor said...

Your struggle although different reminds me of my struggle with being single. I understanding trying to walk in faith. I'm lifting you up in prayer.

BARBIE said...

Amy, I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling right now. But I am thankful you are leaning on Jesus, and completely trusting Him for the outcome. I am thankful for this light through the still open door. Praying that you have peace in your waiting.

Ashley said...

I love your honesty and your faith. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Praying that you will have peace while you wait.