I’ve really debated about whether or not to post this...but after thinking about the purpose of this blog, I decided I should...
About 2 weeks ago, I received a very unexpected text from the birthmom we were paired with up until Feb. It said, “I’m still 50/50 but if I give the baby up for adoption, I would really like for ya’ll to have him.” I couldn’t have been happier to see that text. Kaz and I honestly thought that door was completely closed....A few other text were exchanged and the last I heard from her was that she would be in touch soon! Immediately, after getting that text my mind was all over the place. I knew the due date was rapidly approaching and I didn’t want to do anything but know everything that had gone on with her since we last spoke, know exactly what she was thinking, talk to our worker so we could figure this thing out, etc. My thoughts were uncontrollable! I knew I didn’t need to get my hopes up, BUT that was easier said than done...After a whole week of worrying and trying to figure out how things would play out, I became completely worn out...which brings me to last Monday[the 23rd].
The morning started out as normal. I have added walking the bridge to my daily routine....As I started walking up the bridge, I remember feeling very overwhelmed.
These were the thoughts going through my mind...When will she go into labor? Will she text me again? I wonder when we will actually get to see the baby? What if she decides to keep the baby for a month and then gives him up? What if? What if? What if? Normally on runs/walks I always listen to my iPod. I decided to cut it off and pray while I walked...I felt so weighed down with all the worries...Not only was I worrying, but I also didn’t believe that the Lord could do the impossible of changing the birth mom's mind[if that was indeed the baby]. One thing I kept praying over and over was that the Lord would give us encouragement and that He would take away my unbelief.
When I got back in my car after the walk, I checked my phone. I had an email from our social worker. It was a pretty long email, but the gist of it was that the birth mom was more like 30/70 and chances are she is going to keep the baby. As much as I tried NOT to get my hopes up, they were up and after reading that email it all came crashing down. The door had been opened again and my heart was broken again. I cried all the way to Kaz’s work. That day was awful....I hadn’t been that upset since everything ended back in Feb. I was hurt, mad, frustrated, confused...I had so many questions.
As the night went on, the Lord kept reminding me that THAT EMAIL was NOT the outcome. That baby HAD NOT been born yet AND WE DID NOT KNOW what the future held.
Since then, it has been a everyday struggle BUT I can honestly say that whether or not this is the baby, I’M THANKFUL the Lord allowed the events of last Monday to happen. He has taken me out of the equation....There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO BUT PRAY...worrying wont’ solve it...communication with the birth mom won’t solve it.
He has shown me what faith is all about...I don’t know His plan. BUT I do know that the door is still open...it may be barely open, but it’s open. Only He knows the outcome. My sight tells me it won’t happen. Her mind can’t be changed..My faith promises me that He has a perfect plan...It’s to give me hope and a future...He promises that He will give me the desires of my heart...AND He promises to hear my prayers and intercede to the father on my behalf. The daily question has been which will I pick...Will I walk by sight or by my faith? I’m determined to fight this until the end. If this isn’t the baby He has for us, at least I prayed as much as I could for it. I can’t give up...AND I don’t feel like I’m supposed to. Maybe this is the baby, maybe it isn’t...time will shortly tell...BUT I’m not giving up....I have no way of knowing what is going on with this birthmom...I can’t talk to her...I can’t check her facebook....There is absolutely no way of knowing EXCEPT to trust. AND THAT I AM DOING....I’m choosing to WALK BY FAITH.
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...plans to PROSPER YOU and NOT to harm you...plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE...
But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you