it's about the journey, not the destination...

Lately my heart has been pretty heavy for some women struggling through infertility and the adoption process...I know all to well the different stages of emotions that are apart of these journeys...but today, at my MOPS meeting I really got to thinking hard about those stages for me and some amazing things that the Lord did... 

The first 2 years that we struggled, as each month went by I would become madder and madder...As that happened, I also became sad and thought the Lord was out to punish me...and I didn’t understand why. It was hard to see the positive because I was so focused on the negative. It honestly wasn’t until March of this year that I completely surrendered my heart and future for a family to the Lord. Why March? I’m not really sure...Things ended with our first birth mom the beginning of February and the Lord really worked in my heart a lot through that...but really up until March I kept thinking and saying that, “I will be happy when we get a baby...I will be happy when we have a family...I will be happy when.....” For me back then, a baby and family was the DESTINATION...That’s all I could see. GETTING TO THAT PLACE. When Kaz and I went on our vacation to the Grand Canyon in March, I remember being at a place where I said to myself I will be OKAY if we never have children...If it’s just me and Kaz for the rest of our lives...Did I still think about a family? Absolutely..and I was still trusting that would happen BUT I began to see that the Lord had been changing us throughout the WHOLE process and it wasn’t just about the destination of having a family, but about the journey getting there... 

I emailed just a couple days ago with a reader of my blog about her journey...My advice probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear BUT something that a mentor told me AND I THINK ABOUT DAILY...The Lord will do what He wants for your life that will bring HIM THE MOST GLORY. It’s not about how long or short the wait is, how much you are hurting, how obedient you are[although that’s SUPER important], etc...It’s about HIS PLAN AND HIS GLORY. Some people have oftened asked why do I think that we didn’t get Annie Rice when she was born...Her parents knew they were going to place her up for adoption even before she was born...but they waited 11 months before doing so. Do I wish at times I could have been apart of those 11 months? Yep, I sure do...BUT I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT, that I had to go through what I did for those 11 months to be the person I am today. If I had the choice, would I change it? My honest answer is NO! I wouldn’t. I didn’t think at the time I needed changing at all. In fact, I would have been plain mad if someone told me that. Looking back, I see just HOW MUCH the Lord needed to do in me... 

This blog is my feelings and struggles that I go through...it’s my life...it’s a journal...BUT I hope it’s also an encouragement to you. Because even though infertility and adoption was my journey, I know that each of you are on other journeys BUT the same principals apply. Don’t keep saying, “I’ll be happy when....” Because when that thing comes, there will be something else....Trust in the Lord’s plan for your life, pray for JOY everyday AND DON’T LET SATAN STEAL THAT JOY... 

Jeremiah 31:3 

I have loved you with an everlasting love; 

I have drawn you with unfailing kindness