I've been realizing lately that satan had me exactly where he wanted me...HE WANTED me to believe all those things. HE CONTINUALLY threw them in my face...HE DID exactly what the bible says...
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep." (John 10:10-11)
Going through all the stages that I have, I NEVER ONCE REALIZED that Satan was trying to destroy me...He was trying to keep me down...to make me feel mad, bitter, alone, etc. It makes me mad to think that I LET HIM continually beat me up all those months...
WHAT I'VE ALSO REALIZED is that the Lord NEVER turned His back on me...It seemed like it many times. It seemed/seems like sometimes my prayers are hitting the ceiling...BUT the below verses, give me hope. I'm starting to see that all those months of feeling alone, were just a feeling...I'm believing that the Lord was/is, holding me so tightly in the grip of His hand...
Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” (Exodus 33:21-23)
6 comments:
I used to be at that VERY same dark place when we were first going through our infertility issues ... it makes me sad that I spent 2 1/2 years there ... but something that I've learned through this crazy roller coaster is that HE has been carrying me the whole way through even when I was so bitter and angry with him. I bet that if you look back now you will see how strong you have become (I sure have!) and how he has allowed you to be apart of an amazing community of people that have a heart for the orhpaned. Praying that you get your phone call soon! :0) I know that baby is going to be loved like no one else ;0)
I've never been in that place. But I am thankful you are finding peace. Love this scripture too!
I have chills. Love it! I love how strong you are...you are inspiring.
I still remember when my husband spoke at church one morning about 7 years ago (he's a credentialed minister) and the subject he shared was "what to do when you're mad at God". I know I compare my infertility feelings to yours alot, so I hope the comparisons come off as helpful and not like I am minimizing your current pain. I cried so many nights feeling like I was being punished (those were always the words I used). I felt like a failure and I felt hopeless. Women that pop out babies because they just "wanted" to have more kids perplexed me beyond belief. My body has still "betrayed" me in a sense because I have never birthed a child, but my God has never betrayed me and my 2 babies that God gave me through adoption are like God's love shown to me every day. I don't feel punished anymore. I feel rewarded beyond belief. You are so brave sharing your emotions and feelings the way you do. God will use you and He will honor your heart. Hugs from one adoptive momma to one AM-to be. :-)
I definitely believe that adoption is spiritual warfare! Keep trusting God and know that He is in control.
i really appreciate your openess. i have been in the same place and i have learned through it all to never doubt the Lord...his plan for me is better than anything i can ever plan for myself. that is something i always "knew" but never really believed in my heart until now. the Lord is such a gracious and amazing God even through the darkest time.
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