Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Expectations and False Hope...

I haven’t written about adoption in awhile…BUT honestly a lot has happened! About a month ago, I was having a really hard time. I just felt sad all the time and wondered where all the $ would come from, when the baby would come, etc. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Kaz, being the loving husband he is, sat me down and said that he really needed to share what he had been learning…He said that we needed to learn to be content where we are. It was one of those conversations where you know the other person is right, you’ve been thinking the same thing, but been running from it. I KNEW he was right…BUT how do I do that? How can I be content where we are? What does that mean?

Well I did good for about 2 weeks. Honestly, I really tried to live in the moment and be thankful for what we had and not look so forward to what’s next….BUT now I find myself ALMOST back in that place but in a different way.

One of the things I’ve struggle most with is the timing. Through October is really busy for me, but November-January I slow down. I did that on purpose because of Christmas pictures and I want to enjoy the Holiday season to it’s fullest and not be SO busy the whole time. BUT since we’ve been approved I’ve never been able to get those months out of my head. I’ve continually thought it would happen then. NOT because I know that, BUT because what better timing…LIKE I KNOW THE PERFECT TIMING?

But lately, SO MANY people have called us, texted, or randomly come up to us and said I really feel like it’s going to be soon. I just have the feeling. Or I had such a peace about your adoption and I think you will be getting a phone call very soon.

GREAT! THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR…or is it? SO all of this talk has gotten my hopes up and now it seems like every day I’m hopeful for a phone call. Everytime Kaz calls me back to back during the day, or more than normal I think he’s going to tell me Bethany called. I keep thinking it’s going to happen sooner than I think. BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN’T? WHAT IF IT DOESN’T EVEN HAPPEN IN THE MONTHS I HOPED FOR?

I’m having a hard time fighting this…..I’ve had a mixture of responses. Some people have said you have to be content, don’t think about it. How can I not? Other people have said listen to your gut. Have faith. It could really be soon.

Where does that leave me? Are my expectations too high? Is my hope in what I think?

Everything thus far has fallen into place. We have all of our finances [MINUES part of our lawyer fees around $1400]. Which is a huge blessing!!! So if we got the call tomorrow our funds would be there. We would have everything we needed until the final court hearing. So now that everythings in order, I’m kind of lost in what to do ….How to live each day…Does being content mean I can’t hope or look to the future? It’s a hard thing especially in the season I’m in where it’s been all planning and prepwork up until now….


Suburban prep said...

Things will fall into place when it is meant to be.
My sister has a now 7 yr old that she adopted 6 yrs ago. Katie (my niece) is the light of her parent's lives. She was meant to come into their lives when she did.
There had been a few years of hardship for my sister prior to Katie being a part of our family.
You will see that once you have your child you will have a hard time remembering what it was all about before the child entered your life.
I pray for good things for you.

Julie S. said...

What is meant to be will be, and it WILL be the perfect timing. God has you guys in his hands, and has the perfect addition to your family in mind. :) Hang in there!

T said...

I cannot even imagine what you are going through. The wait and not knowing was always so hard for me. I pray that the day will come very soon for you.

Melissa's Thoughts said...

We can all say that the perfect timeing is in His hands and you know that. You know that our days are ordered by the Lord. Waiting is the hardest part. Whether it is for a baby or husband or house or whatever. Wait...it's a four letter word. So, my prayer for you today is to find peace in the day and know that the best is yet to come. Cherish these days with Kaz and know that your perfect gift will come and no planing will make you completely ready for the wonderfulness of it. :)

The Headley's said...

I don't think it's an either or, but a both and kind of thing. It's times like these that we need to have faith that the Lord's will is good and his timing is perfect, BUT also be content right where He has us. I can tell you with 100% certainty that children will not "complete" you or make your life just the way you wanted it. : ) They will be, however, another tool, just like the waiting now, that the Lord uses to teach and mold you into the person He desires you to be. Don't forget that you can use this time to be praying for your sweet little one. Pray for their development, the birth parents, your ability to be a good mother and father, and even their future spouse. The possibilities are endless! : ) We're praying for you!!

Us4 Cats said...

i feel, correction i know, it is important to be hapy and content in the moment. count your blessings. enjoy your life now and how it is now. when you baby comes it will change. of course change for the positive but you will remember the times before her and you want those memories to be part of you as well. the wait it TOUGH i can imagine as we are just in the beginning process of adoptin ourselves. preoccupation with the times to come can nag at one. and its normal. wondering, thinking, not knowing. its rough. but it is just like anything else in life when we are waiting or trying to reach a goal. and i agree it does happen WHEN it is suppossed to. sometimes feeling down is just your minds way of claculating ALL of the information and emotions. it is okay. you will have ups and down and in betweens as with anything in life. as for HOPE- yes it matters. it is what keeps us all moving in life. i have just posted a song on our blog about dreams. come listen.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

Prayer- lots of it. It is sooo hard in this stage. You plan prepare....and then wait....for what- when- how will it happen? All of the unknowns get to you......

But it will happen. God will lead you, but only if you follow. :)

Rachel @ daily dunmore said...

Phil. 4:6, the verse we cling to

Venessa said...

I am a new blog follower of your and this post really touched my heart. We have just started the process of adoption and I have not felt so many feelings of frustration and total confusion in a long time. It is a very emotional journey and I appreciate your honesty about it. I pray for blessings for you and your family!

Laurel said...

Oh how I remember the adoption waiting game.

In June (of '07) we were told our kids would probably be home by Thanksgiving.

By Thanksgiving, we were hoping and praying for a Christmas homecoming. (My husband and I both worked for the school system at the time, so a Christmas vacation homecoming would have been "perfect timing".)

By Christmas, we were just praying that it would happen "any day".

We finally traveled to Ghana at the beginning of February ... expecting to bring the children home within 2 weeks.

After 6 weeks in Ghana (we left 7 children home alone with the 21 y.o. brother), our children finally stepped foot on American soil.

Oh my! The waiting was very difficult! I do understand.

Hoping and praying that the Lord will give you His peace and comfort during this time.