I haven’t written about adoption in awhile…BUT honestly a lot has happened! About a month ago, I was having a really hard time. I just felt sad all the time and wondered where all the $ would come from, when the baby would come, etc. I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
Kaz, being the loving husband he is, sat me down and said that he really needed to share what he had been learning…He said that we needed to learn to be content where we are. It was one of those conversations where you know the other person is right, you’ve been thinking the same thing, but been running from it. I KNEW he was right…BUT how do I do that? How can I be content where we are? What does that mean?
Well I did good for about 2 weeks. Honestly, I really tried to live in the moment and be thankful for what we had and not look so forward to what’s next….BUT now I find myself ALMOST back in that place but in a different way.
One of the things I’ve struggle most with is the timing. Through October is really busy for me, but November-January I slow down. I did that on purpose because of Christmas pictures and I want to enjoy the Holiday season to it’s fullest and not be SO busy the whole time. BUT since we’ve been approved I’ve never been able to get those months out of my head. I’ve continually thought it would happen then. NOT because I know that, BUT because what better timing…LIKE I KNOW THE PERFECT TIMING?
But lately, SO MANY people have called us, texted, or randomly come up to us and said I really feel like it’s going to be soon. I just have the feeling. Or I had such a peace about your adoption and I think you will be getting a phone call very soon.
GREAT! THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR…or is it? SO all of this talk has gotten my hopes up and now it seems like every day I’m hopeful for a phone call. Everytime Kaz calls me back to back during the day, or more than normal I think he’s going to tell me Bethany called. I keep thinking it’s going to happen sooner than I think. BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN’T? WHAT IF IT DOESN’T EVEN HAPPEN IN THE MONTHS I HOPED FOR?
I’m having a hard time fighting this…..I’ve had a mixture of responses. Some people have said you have to be content, don’t think about it. How can I not? Other people have said listen to your gut. Have faith. It could really be soon.
Where does that leave me? Are my expectations too high? Is my hope in what I think?
Everything thus far has fallen into place. We have all of our finances [MINUES part of our lawyer fees around $1400]. Which is a huge blessing!!! So if we got the call tomorrow our funds would be there. We would have everything we needed until the final court hearing. So now that everythings in order, I’m kind of lost in what to do ….How to live each day…Does being content mean I can’t hope or look to the future? It’s a hard thing especially in the season I’m in where it’s been all planning and prepwork up until now….