I don’t really know where to even begin other than I’m just ready to be a mom….I’ve tried lately not to talk about where I’m at personally because I know the MAJORITY of the time I get my feelings mixed up with the truth….I tend to believe my feelings as the truth when in reality they are 2 completely different things. Knowing that, I still do it ALL the time!
I was able to have lunch on Saturday with one of my dear friends. Kaz always ask after I spend time with someone how it went and what we talked about..like most husbands do I’m sure! My response was it was refreshing. I’m not sure that it was for my friend because I really unloaded a lot, but it was so good for me too because I haven’t really done that with anyone but Kaz. I haven’t talked a lot about how I’m really doing because the response is always just keep trusting, or there is a perfect timing…AND WHILE I know that, it’s still sometimes nice to be able to talk and the other person listen and respond with care and concern other than the right answer.
You see lately, while I’ve been doing ok I have really been struggling with some big things…
-Timing…It scares me to death. I can’t even explain how ready I am in my heart. As the Holiday season draws near, it scares me that we may not have a baby. When the thought crosses my mind I can’t even ponder it because it makes me so sad.
-Selfishness….We have met several friends who are also adopting through Bethany. As much as I hate to say it, I’m terrified of finding out they got picked…On one hand, we all want the same thing and I know that I’m not alone in probably feeling this way. We want everyone to get a baby, but my selfishness wants it more for me than them…or should I say us to get picked before them..As harsh as it sounds, we’ve all felt this way about success or stuff of friends. I’m being real…
-Change…While I’m so ready for a baby and for our life to change, it scares me because I can’t comprehend how it will be. I’m a planner and that’s one of the biggest challenges because I can’t plan anything about this. I can’t even imagine what it will be like…
The nursery is ready, we have all the necessities, but it’s still hard to believe that we will have a child. It feels so much like we’ve gone through all the motions but because this process is so different we can’t see the ending clearly….
BUT WHILE I’ve been struggling with all of these things…one thing has stayed constant…
Thankfulness…I’m so thankful that the Lord chose us to adopt. Just the process has changed our whole life and outlook on life. We feel so blessed that we were called to this..SO WHILE I struggle with all these lies, I also remind myself that the Lord does have a perfect plan. He does have more than I can ever imagine or expect waiting for us….We will be parents one day….the hard part is waiting and reminding myself of this every single day….
7 comments:
All such normal emotions Amy! It is good to be honest about how you are feeling and not try to put on a happy face all of the time. Your readers like to see raw emotions because guess what...we all feel that way! We all feel selfish. We all feel that our timing is NOW and waiting on God's timing is hard. But you have the secret...reminding ourselves every single day that God IS in control and He knows when our wait will be over!!
I love you and always love spending time with you!!
I love your honesty...I also share the same feelings as you!
My husband and I are where you and your husband are right now. We know exactly how you are feeling...praying for you!!
Totally the same for us....and the biggest change immediately is wanting a child so much and then coping with no sleep for weeks/months on end. Then feeling like you can't cope, but God's grace gets you through.
It is great to be honest! Because that is what God wants. And it proves you are human :)
I totally get how you're feeling. When I was struggling with infertility, not knowing what the outcome would be was the most difficult part. My husband would always say "Don't stress about it, we'll have a baby, it WILL happen". I would always think "How do you know that and if that is the case, WHEN will it happen? Are we going to have to wait and struggle for another year, 5 years, 10 years?" Oh yes, the waiting and not knowing is absolutely horrible and makes you realize that you are completely out of control. It's so difficult, but situations like this make me rely completely on God and for that I'm grateful.
I really appreciate your honesty. Today was the last visit for our homestudy and as relieved as I am for it to be over, I feel so caught up in a hurry-up-and-wait routine :( I'll be praying, too!
Post a Comment