Friday, February 18, 2011

being real....

The WHOLE reason I started this blog was to be real...honest...and hopefully to touch the lives of other women struggling through infertility. Sometimes being real is scary...but for me writing is much easier than actually talking to someone about my feelings. SO, what I’m about to post is me being REAL. I’m in NO WAY writing it for people to feel sorry for me, or even to hurt for me...I’m writing it because I have to be real with myself. My mom reads my blog everyday[she’s the best!] but I always hesitate when I write hard stuff because I never want her to hurt for me..or cry. So mom, please don’t cry:) I love you!
I have had a very hard time this week with the adoption...After we found out everything last Thursday and Friday, I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. That’s not me at all...I normally want to talk to people BUT this time I didn’t. The only people that I talked to besides Kaz, was my mom and Liz. All other communication was through text or email with other friends. If I’m honest, I still haven’t wanted to talk about it...The story itself is really sad. We had a very close relationship with the birth mom and really got to know and care for her. When Kaz and I knew last weekend that we would go back on the waiting list, I was completely, 100% scared out of my mind. This is the reason: I had NO CONTROL. At least with us knowing the baby was due in June, we had control over our schedule. We knew June was the date. I kept telling Kaz, lets wait until after our Vegas trip before we go back on the list. He asked me why...My reasoning, because I had no control. The thought that we could get a phone call at anytime, really really scared me. This week, just the opposite. I would trade Vegas or any other plans,any day for a baby...
Yesterday, I bought some diapers like I have every week when I grocery shop. When I buy them, I see the picture on the front and it brings up emotions BUT what really gets me each week, is when I have to put those diapers in the empty nursery. Kaz and I have had the nursery door closed for months now. We only go in there when we need to. Granted, all the doors are closed in the house when Miley is loose, but that door ALWAYS stays shut. I’ve been thinking lately about “preparing” the diaper bag. Especially now that we are on the waiting list, I thought it might be a good idea. BAD IDEA....I can’t tell you how much I cried after putting everything in that bag. I cried for a couple hours yesterday...I just couldn’t stop. I’m NOT mad at the way anything has happened. I’m NOT running from the Lord. I’m NOT angry, but I do hurt...I am sad.. I imagine the way that Kaz and I feel in a sense, is the same way someone feels whose had a miscarriage later in their pregnancy. We didn’t carry that child physically, but we were apart of every doctors visit. We heard the heartbeat for the first time with the mom...We saw all the little tiny parts of the baby with the mom....We have prayed for this baby everyday since we found out...We have prayed for this mom and cried over her hurt in life....We in a sense, have had a loss. It’s been very sad. BUT I am trying to move on. Neither Kaz nor I, regret the last 3 months...We haven’t once questioned the last 3 months...The only way I can explain how, is the Lord. He truly has given us both a peace. BUT I do question the timing...I question when will it happen now? I question why we have to keep waiting....
I talked with Kaz last night about why he thought we have kept the nursery door shut. We both had the same reasons...It’s just easier. It’s the same reason I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s been going on...It’s just easier....The same reason, I’ve left all the ultrasound pictures in the car from last week’s appointment...It’s just easier....
I’m beginning to see, that the Lord doesn’t care about whats easy...Obviously, there is a plan in all of this. Nothing in me, wants to wait...BUT WAITING I MUST....It won’t do me any good to run from this...I have learned that. 
So today, I’m “trying” to put an end to some of those things that seem “easier”....I’m opening the nursery door and walking inside and praying for the baby we will one day have....
I got the ultrasound pictures out of the car and am putting them away....
And I finally talked to a friend about what has been going on...I may cry 100 times a day, but thats ok. Without HOPE, my soul would die. I refuse to let that happen...I’m going to fight, instead of run....
I’ve mentioned several times that this blog is my journal. I’ve printed out the first year of my post into a book. It just so happened that the 1 year mark, was the same day that we found out about the baby. I wrote a letter describing everything that happened..I didn’t want to forget anything.. I read this letter yesterday...It’s the last page of my blog book. I have also avoided that book because of that one post...BUT I’m not ashamed of it. It simply wasn’t meant to be...That I know...Just like the party. Even though plans were made, decorations and candy were bought..it just simply wasn’t meant to be. No one except Kaz and Liz have seen these pictures or letter, but it’s my way of moving on. It’s not easy for me to share. I have cried the whole time I’ve written this post, BUT I do want to remember days like today because I’m fighting AND I KNOW THAT MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. HIS PLAN IS PERFECT AND ONE DAY SOON I WILL SEE THAT...
pictures we took as decorations for the party...

 the day we heard the heartbeat, the baby was the size of an avocado...



The day I found out about you...[the letter I wrote]
The day I found out about you was one of the happiest days of my life! I woke up[at my parents house], spent time with dad and miley, and ran 6 miles in Hartsville. 
Before heading back to Charleston, dad and I went to Wal-Mart and ate a sub at subway. 
Driving back to Charleston, I kept dreading the holidays because it was another year that we would be childless. I got a call from Kaz, saying that Bethany had sent out a recruitment email and the baby was perfect, however there were a lot of legal risk involved. Once again, I got down and wondered when we would ever get to hold you in our arms. 
I made a few stops on the way home by Target and Wal-Mart. Once I got home, I had to catch up on the tv that I had missed the last few days. I started watching, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, when I got a phone call from Kaz. He said that our social worker had sent him an email and asked if we could talk sometime that day. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up. I thought, surely she’s just wanting to talk about the recruitment email. I kept thinking about it, and finally I stopped and prayed that the Lord would guard my heart and allow his plan to prevail. After 20 minutes of waiting, Kaz called me back and told me about you. 
He said that your mom wanted the best for you. She knew that she couldn’t provide that for you. He said that she had chosen us to take care of you. That she was 8 weeks pregnant and you were due June 16, 2011. My heart couldn’t have been any happier. 
I wanted to know all the details....Your dad and I both have been waiting so long to hear something about you, to meet you, to tell everyone we know about you. I was so happy that I wanted to call and tell everyone I knew. So many people have been praying for you....
After talking to your dad, I prayed for you and your mom. I was so anxious to see Kaz that I wanted him to come home right then! We both agreed not to tell anyone until he got home, BUT I couldn’t wait! I called Anne. I told her everything! She started crying because she was so happy to meet you soon.
As soon as Kaz got home, we talked about you. We were so happy. We called Cy, Peter, Emily, my mom and dad. We couldn’t wait to tell them! We had to go drop off a U-Haul right down the street, so on our way we stopped by sonic and ordered a route 44 peach tea to celebrate you! 
That night we had previously made plans to eat dinner at Moes with our close group of friends[and community group]. We had always talked about how we wanted to meet them for dinner at Moes the night we found out about you. The Lord worked those plans out perfectly! On the way to Moes, I called Blythe, Liz, Pam, and Helen. Everyone cried when I told them...they were so happy. When we got to Moes, it was hard not to say anything at first. We wanted everyone to be there! Once everyone got there food and sat down at the table, Kaz asked if he could pray. I could tell he was so excited but wanted to make sure everyone was listening. He told everyone about you. The table applauded with praise. Everyone was so happy. They have been praying for you for over 2 years. All night long, the questions kept coming about you. The joy and excitement from our friends was amazing! Before we left Moes, we took a few pictures to remember that special night. 
On the way home, I called Dawn and Baylis. Before we went to bed, we prayed for you and thanked the Lord for his blessings. We had been praying to have you by Christmas, and while we wanted to physically hold you in our arms we were comforted knowing that this was our first christmas as a family of 4. Even though you weren’t physically with us yet, you were alive. You were growing and would be with us soon. 
We love you sweet baby. We have cried and prayed for you so many times. The Lord has heard our cry. He has blessed us. AND we can’t wait until that special day when we get to meet you. Boy or girl[although I know you will be a girl], it doesn’t matter. You are our baby[on loan for awhile]. We promise to love you, provide for you, tell you all about Jesus, laugh with you, cry with you, and most importantly pray with you. 
Until we meet you-
Love, 
Mom and Dad[and sweet Miley]
Just as I wrote in this letter, and I prayed the Lord would guard my heart and His plan prevail...I can honestly say that He has/and is doing this. The last 2 weeks show me that. You see, by me being real, what REALLY is happening, is the Lord showing me His faithfulness in my life.....
2 Thess 3:3
For the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you....

13 comments:

Monica said...

I love you Amy! Thank you for sharing that. I can definitely relate to a lot of those feelings! Infertility and adoption can be very painful at times. I know it is our opportunity to trust God but it is soooooo hard sometimes! I pray for you and Kaz all the time and really hope that God will bless you with a child very soon!

Hollie said...

Amy,

I found your blog only about two months ago. Ohhhh how my heart knows the ache you feel. We have not started down the road to adoption yet, but it is something we think about and talk about. I'm so thankful to be able to read others stories and draw strength from them. This is indeed a hard, hard road but I know that God is strengthening me and all of us through the struggle. I haven't really ever blogged about our struggles (I'm still working up the strength).... you are right, it's so scary to be REAL. You guys seem amazing and will make amazing parents and I pray for you both.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry and I do hurt for you. Your honesty is always appreciated and always welcome. I do pray that God fulfills your hopes soon and that you become parents. What you went through was definitely a loss and you have every right to grieve it as one.

Ashley said...

Our social worker told us a story about one of the worst times of her job- having to take a baby away from an adoptive couple to give back to the birthmom. The couple was heartbroken but they wondered if the sole reason it happened was because God wanted them to pray for that baby everyday for the rest of their lives. It's hard to know why things like this happen but you are so right- we have a loving and faithful God that we can ALWAYS trust! He is preparing your hearts for the baby He has planned for you all along. Thanks for being real! Praying for you!

andie said...

your post made me cry...i just walked through the adoption journey with my best friend and it is a journey that is filled with ups and downs...but, yes...the Lord is FAITHFUL and He is proving Himself faithful to you everyday. Even when you do not see or feel it. the Lord is faithful ALWAYS.

Stephanie said...

You have brought me to tears. My heart aches for you. I have felt the pain of miscarriage many times, and I imagine your pain is very similar. I am so so sorry. Sometimes it is so hard to know whats Gods plan is - we just have to trust.
Love,
Your sister in Christ, Stephanie

Misty McKinley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

It is very hard going through loss. Don't forget that this IS A LOSS! So many don't understand- won't understand. When you lose a child that you have had in your heart it as if you had miscarried. It is a LOSS!!! It hurts....allow yourself to grieve.....

PRAYING FOR YOU as someone who has lost 2 children....one through death and one through not being able to bring her home. PRAYING!!!!!!

Sarah said...

No other words other than to let you know you all are in my prayers and that I am blessed by your faith!

BARBIE said...

I have never gone through such a loss. Thank you for sharing your glimmer of hope and God's faithfulness to you in this. He is always good and still has a good plan for your life!

Chad and Corrisa said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate so much to your journey. When I read your blog I catch myself thinking, "Me too!" It was great getting to meet you tonight! You will be in my prayers. I can't wait to see God's amazing and perfect plan unfold for you and Kaz.
Corrisa Thompson

Tiffany said...

Amy, thank you for sharing your story! We are praying for ya'll. We have just begun our waiting period. As you said it is the NO CONTROL that is tough.Since the beginning I have been very calm and assured....even when I feel like getting upset I do not really. It is totally a God thing! I have such a peace and know that I know He is in this. BUT for me it is a little hard.....so many unknowns with money, getting the room ready, when will it happend etc. I am a planner so this is hard.
I am sure you touched that young ladies life in a way you may never know. God is so faithful and He is going to bless you BIG! :)

Laura said...

Amy, you are amazing. You are a wonderful writer and I pray that you get a baby soon. You deserve it. It will be the luckiest baby on Earth. Numbers do not go high enough to measure the love you and Kaz will have to give to a child.