Monday, July 19, 2010

a really hard lesson.....

I’ve been a little frustrated lately….If you’ve kept up with my blog you know that I’ve gone through many stages with the infertily/adoption process. I’ve been hurt, mad, sad, joyful, excited, etc. It’s literally been a daily battle….

I haven’t really written lately anything about where I’m at personally…I really don’t know why I haven’t, I just haven’t blogged really about anything serious. But I feel like I need to share…

The last few months have been really hard for me and Kaz……It seems like everything financially that could go wrong has[surgery, new ac for the house, timing belt for both cars, unexpected plane tickets to St. Louis, etc]. I think total in the last 5 months we have literally spent around $6k on “unexpected” things. Thankfully we’ve had the money, but still I’ve been frustrated. We’ve tithed regularly and have tried to be smart with our money saving for the adoption but when it seems like we move forward we fall 3 steps back. I keep wondering where in the world money for the adoption is going to come from…It’s clear we can’t do it on our own.

Emotionally, we’ve both been hurting. Kaz just lost his mom and is hurting in ways I can’t even understand. I’m aching to have a family and some days don’t know if it will ever happen. Life has just been hard.

I don’t deal with hurt very well….I run away. If I’m hurting I try to do everything I can NOT to think about it. Which says a lot about my walk with the Lord. In every situation I think the worst….If Kaz ask me to swim in the ocean, before I step foot in it a shark has bitten my leg off or eaten all of me. Literally, I think the worst in EVERY situation. I try not to, but I do. I’ve done the same with the adoption…..A few months back I was so joyful about our situation. I was thankful for the place we were at…Yesterday I was plain mad. I sat down for the first time in a long time and read the bible and prayed. Like I said before, when I hurt I run away which includes me running away from time with the Lord. Since I think the worst in every situation, I automatically believe the lie that the Lord is not good and he is punishing me. Now this is my own sin, but it’s a hard thing to fight.

A few years ago, the Lord taught me what it meant for Him to be Enough for me. Everytime I heard the song enough by chris tomlin I would bawl. Lately, I’ve been thinking the same thing but have been fighting to really think about it. I haven’t wanted to learn that lesson again. I feel like I’ve been struggling for so long I’m just ready for things to be easier….

I know my heart and attitude isn’t in the right place, and I really am fighting this. I’ve made a commitment for the next 7 days to really spend time in the word and in prayer. That’s a big commitment for me because I let life and my busyness get in the way….I’m praying for Joy…I’m praying for Hope….and I’m praying for truth…..

Do you ever struggle like this….?

20 comments:

Rebecca Jo said...

I dont think you are alone in feeling like this...

But you know what - it shows the "fight" in you... now, you have to REALLY rely on God to help you in the adoption process - put some faith into action! Maybe this is all just God toughening you up? Him showing you show strong He really is! :)

Dig in the word - see what he has to say to you about this... I'm sure He'll lay something on your heart... He wont leave you hanging! :)

Kelli @ RTSM said...

I never thought about it that way, but I think I am a runner too! I do find myself running away from the things that I don't want to deal with and the things that I feel are too hard for me to deal with. I think the thing to remember is to let God deal with them for you! Thanks for sharing your heart Amy...your words made me think this morning! I hope and pray that things get easier for you soon!

Indy said...

All the time. Trust that He is working this out even with all the lose you have been experiencing (financial, emotional and physical).

I'm praying for you.

Jemsmom said...

I think everyone has these moments, but you are doing the right thing by now running to God and to scripture. It will all work out in the end, but sometimes it seems it is so hard to get there. Sending prayers your way for the load to be a little less heavy. Take care and have a good week!

Dawn - "Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

YES! Completely.....know you are not alone!!! Yet, when God pulls you closer.....lean in tight! God LOVES YOU SO MUCH, and sometimes reminding ourselves of that take time. Time with Him. PRAYING for you both.

Cevallos Family said...

Hey! While our adoption journey was a little different, I feel like it squeezed me in the same ways! There were literally days where I didn't trust God or believe He was good....and I would talk through that with Him, and every time He gently corrected my imperfect view of Him!! I am praying for you guys!

Also...I would love to help with some fundraising ideas if you are interested! God has put it on my heart to help! There are so many neat things people are doing to raise money, that I had no idea about when we adopted (we just asked friends :)!) So if you would like some help, let me know!!

BlueGrassandGreenTomatoes said...

I feel exactly the way you've described...

... At the moment my husband and I are prepping for our first IVF treatment. I am super nervous, and I haven't breathed a word of it to my family or friends (in fear of having to break the news if things don't go well).

At a time when many of my friends are pregnant and having children, I am struggling to stay above water to be joyful for their happiness. However, yesterday during our church's service, the pastor spoke of Martha and Mary. I felt as though his words were directed at me... "Get out of the kitchen and into the family room." This made me feel as though the husband and I are doing the right thing at this point in our lives.

I'm not sure if this brings you any comfort, but perhaps, in knowing that there is someone out there just as confused, lonely, and frustrated, you can feel a bit more peace! :)

Ryan and Ashley Snell said...

I know we are only friends via blog but you hold a special place in my heart! You are not alone in any way. Your struggles are normal! You are also not alone because Christ knows all you are going through every joy and pain you experience. I could go on and on and if I had your number I would love to talk with you and pray with you. Just remember this verse, "The Lord is close to the broken hearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18. He knows and the hardest lesson of all is waiting on His timing!
I am so in love with this song by Chris Tomlin right now:
"Our God"
Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other
Our God is Healer
Awesome in power
God, Our God

Praying for you!

T said...

Yes, it is a daily struggle for me.
I will join you in your prayer. That we both find the answers that we are looking for no matter what are future holds.

julie said...

You are definitely not alone. I also run away when I am feeling frustrated, mad, upset, etc. and I know that God wants me to run to Him. It is so hard. I look forward to hearing about your commitment.

Lisa said...

Amy, I read your post and hurt for you...I knew I wanted to comment but wanted to pray about it before I did so. I then opened my email and my Bible verse of the day was the following...

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -- Isaiah 41:10

I'm pretty sure that verse was for you today. :) Praying for you!

Life Happens said...

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds like there is a lot of emotions going on and lots to deal with. But you are on the right path by turning to the Lord. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves or be humbled. If you stay close to God, He will never let you down. Hang in there!

Annie said...

i will be praying for you both.
thoughts are with you. sending hugs as well!
hoping you find the joy and hope you want and need.

Cary Dale Taylor said...

I struggle constantly with the lies the devil is telling me that God is keeping things from me. The more I spend time in the word and prayer the more I learn about God and his personality. That has helped me notice the lies and shut the devil down. He will get you through it!

I share my journey and struggles with my faith on my 2nd blog http://www.blindfaithministries.blogspot.com/

Longmeadow Mama said...

You are definitely not alone. And you definitely have many people praying for you through this.
I recently finished the One In A Million Bible study by Priscilla Shirer. As I read your post I couldn't stop thinking of what a perfect study (or even just the book) would be for you. It addresses so much of what you are feeling.
Prayers...
Kelli

Hattie said...

I think everyone struggles with this...you're not alone, trust me. I hope things begin to turn around for you and I'll say a little prayer for you that they do. God has a plan for all of us!

tea said...

Infertility is such a hard road to walk. I've struggled too. Adoption is a big leap of faith and it's not easy either. There are so many unknowns, it takes so much trust. I've been there too. The fact that you draw your attention back to the Lord says a lot.. You know that he is the answer even in these very hard things. I will be praying for you. I can identify with your struggles.

Faith said...

Yes, I can definitely relate to this struggle. You are not alone. I am so sorry for all of the hurt you have been dealing with lately. I pray that Jesus, the lover of your soul, would bring healing and peace to your heart. Praying for you!

elizabeth said...

An honest heart, that's what God wants, and that's what you are offering. Everyone struggles like this when hope is deferred. You are not alone dear one. Praying for you right now.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Amy - I am so sorry my sweet friend, that you are feeling this way. At some time or another, we all descend into the valley for a season. We just have to keep our eyes focused on Christ and remember that He is in control. We don't always understand things, but just have to stay in the Word and stay in prayer. He may be waiting to speak to you in the quiet of y'alls time together!


"And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)

love you friend,
Beth