I’ve been a little frustrated lately….If you’ve kept up with my blog you know that I’ve gone through many stages with the infertily/adoption process. I’ve been hurt, mad, sad, joyful, excited, etc. It’s literally been a daily battle….
I haven’t really written lately anything about where I’m at personally…I really don’t know why I haven’t, I just haven’t blogged really about anything serious. But I feel like I need to share…
The last few months have been really hard for me and Kaz……It seems like everything financially that could go wrong has[surgery, new ac for the house, timing belt for both cars, unexpected plane tickets to St. Louis, etc]. I think total in the last 5 months we have literally spent around $6k on “unexpected” things. Thankfully we’ve had the money, but still I’ve been frustrated. We’ve tithed regularly and have tried to be smart with our money saving for the adoption but when it seems like we move forward we fall 3 steps back. I keep wondering where in the world money for the adoption is going to come from…It’s clear we can’t do it on our own.
Emotionally, we’ve both been hurting. Kaz just lost his mom and is hurting in ways I can’t even understand. I’m aching to have a family and some days don’t know if it will ever happen. Life has just been hard.
I don’t deal with hurt very well….I run away. If I’m hurting I try to do everything I can NOT to think about it. Which says a lot about my walk with the Lord. In every situation I think the worst….If Kaz ask me to swim in the ocean, before I step foot in it a shark has bitten my leg off or eaten all of me. Literally, I think the worst in EVERY situation. I try not to, but I do. I’ve done the same with the adoption…..A few months back I was so joyful about our situation. I was thankful for the place we were at…Yesterday I was plain mad. I sat down for the first time in a long time and read the bible and prayed. Like I said before, when I hurt I run away which includes me running away from time with the Lord. Since I think the worst in every situation, I automatically believe the lie that the Lord is not good and he is punishing me. Now this is my own sin, but it’s a hard thing to fight.
A few years ago, the Lord taught me what it meant for Him to be Enough for me. Everytime I heard the song enough by chris tomlin I would bawl. Lately, I’ve been thinking the same thing but have been fighting to really think about it. I haven’t wanted to learn that lesson again. I feel like I’ve been struggling for so long I’m just ready for things to be easier….
I know my heart and attitude isn’t in the right place, and I really am fighting this. I’ve made a commitment for the next 7 days to really spend time in the word and in prayer. That’s a big commitment for me because I let life and my busyness get in the way….I’m praying for Joy…I’m praying for Hope….and I’m praying for truth…..
Do you ever struggle like this….?