Wednesday, May 19, 2010

what's going on with me.....

The last few days….weeks…..have been really hard but none as hard as today. Lately, I have noticed big changes in myself- Not caring, no emotions, bored and always wanting to be in a bigger better city like New York or LA, annoyed by everyone’s questions and remarks, etc. Now, if you know me, this is out of the ordinary. I mean, don’t get me wrong I always love to travel, but it’s been to the point where I’ve tried to think of every possible solution to make it happen RIGHT NOW. Now, not later, NOW. I’ve thought I have to leave….Emotionless-This by far is not me…I CRY at everything-happy, sad, funny, etc. I’m talking about the girl who cried while running on a treadmill at the gym when the news showed Shamu having a baby whale. Running around 15+ people, yet with tears pouring down my face…

Today, I drove to work as I always do and just wasn’t happy….I’ve felt like lately everything has just been a routine…and I’ve just been bored. Even last night-Tuesday nights are my favorite and I found myself not really caring just kind of going through the motions of a typical Tuesday night in the Prikazsky household.

So, I started thinking really hard today about what my problem is….What is going on? I’ve come to the conclusion…

I’m FREAKED OUT! SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. IN COMPLETE OUT OF CONTROL MODE! FEARFUL.

You see, Kaz and I have been in the adoption process since January….Everything that we’ve “had” to do is NOW coming to a close. FINISHED, as of tomorrow which brings us to the “Waiting” stage. With the waiting stage brings the unknown….

I have so many questions in my mind….There’s so much that needs to happen…..So many decisions to make…..and yet I know nothing! When will it happen? What’s the gender? The age? Will we get grants? Will the money be provided? When will it be provided? Will I be at a wedding when we get the phone call? WHEN WILL IT BE?

I’m completely OUT of control. I KNOW NOTHING! I’ve never had to trust this much before…..Am I trusting? Do I believe? What exactly do I believe?

My mind is everywhere! I feel almost like I’m having a mild panic attack in my mind….it’s racing 1000 miles a minute. I can’t stop thinking…..

Then I think my life….our journey…..our wants and desires…..This is what we want-What we’ve prayed for. Everything so far has worked out and been perfect even our pain. For awhile I drowned in the rain[in my pain], then the Lord changed my heart and I was able to drop my umbrella for awhile and just dance in the rain. I’ve gotten so comfortable here….Am I really saying that? I’m happy in the rain….Not completely, but I have been happy at times….I’ve had joy through the pain. What’s it like to step out? What will the next step be like?

Am I making any sense? I feel like I’m rambling and maybe I am. Maybe this post is all for me to get everything out……

Then I read Hebrews 11 and my heart while still racing, is at peace.
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.

17By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring[b] will be reckoned."[c] 19Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.


29By faith the people passed through the Red Sea[d] as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.


30By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.


39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

16 comments:

littledaisymay said...

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Hebrews 11:1 is one of my favorite verses :)

BlueGrassandGreenTomatoes said...

I've been keeping up with your adoption process, and I'm praying for nothing but the best for you and our husband... Your raw writing has been very inspirational as my husband and I are debating the option of adoption. :)

BlueGrassandGreenTomatoes said...

*your husband
not our husband... :)

Longmeadow Mama said...

And Hebrews 12:1 says you have a great multitude cheering you on!

If you're not doing a Bible study right now I would recommend you RUN to the store and get Priscilla Shirer's One In A Million. I can so relate to the emotions you described and this study dealt with so much of that It takes you on an incredible lifechanging journey through the wilderness...a journey I think you can very much relate to. Just a recommendation...take it or leave it!!
Prayers,
Kelli

Annie said...

I'll be praying for you, Amy!

ProudTejana said...

Praying everything turns out right for you.

andie said...

amen!!!

We 2 Bees said...

Rambling is good! It's good to get it out! And God still met you and provided a peace! He meets us where ever we are! And you don't have to have it all together! It's ok to be afraid of the unknown! And still be in it! Hang on for the ride - God will keep providing!

Kelsey said...

Praying for you, Amy!

Southerland Living said...

Prayin for you and Kaz

aLiCia* said...

It's so hard but I always try to remind myself that God already has it figure out. He has the perfect baby for your family already figured out! I hope you start feeling better! It's so hard to let go and let God :)

Tawny said...

Wonderful words, great reflection. I think those feelings are totally normal and frustrating! It is so hard to be patient at such an important time in your life. Prayers :)

Jessica said...

totally understandable! You are beinging a NEW journey and these feelings definitly come along with that! Praying for you!

Jill said...

Oh Amy, I love how honest you just were. My sister is in the waiting process of adoption and all her conversations end with "unless the baby comes".

I hope you can find peace in the scriptures you found. Maybe God's just getting you ready for what life will be like when the baby comes - totally out of control!

I'll pray for you whenever I read your blog!

Emma said...

It's ok to feel the way you do little lady ;) You are in a very difficult part of the process and I can tell you that I felt the same way when I found out I wa expecting. Don't let the fear destroy your hopes and dreams ;) just think about how great it will be when you have a new little person in your life :)

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Thanks for sharing your heart!

Keep walking ...

Keep trusting ...

Keep up your faith ...

God will not only get you through this time, but He will teach you so very much in the process. Keep your eyes on Him.

Laurel