The last few days….weeks…..have been really hard but none as hard as today. Lately, I have noticed big changes in myself- Not caring, no emotions, bored and always wanting to be in a bigger better city like New York or LA, annoyed by everyone’s questions and remarks, etc. Now, if you know me, this is out of the ordinary. I mean, don’t get me wrong I always love to travel, but it’s been to the point where I’ve tried to think of every possible solution to make it happen RIGHT NOW. Now, not later, NOW. I’ve thought I have to leave….Emotionless-This by far is not me…I CRY at everything-happy, sad, funny, etc. I’m talking about the girl who cried while running on a treadmill at the gym when the news showed Shamu having a baby whale. Running around 15+ people, yet with tears pouring down my face…
Today, I drove to work as I always do and just wasn’t happy….I’ve felt like lately everything has just been a routine…and I’ve just been bored. Even last night-Tuesday nights are my favorite and I found myself not really caring just kind of going through the motions of a typical Tuesday night in the Prikazsky household.
So, I started thinking really hard today about what my problem is….What is going on? I’ve come to the conclusion…
I’m FREAKED OUT! SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. IN COMPLETE OUT OF CONTROL MODE! FEARFUL.
You see, Kaz and I have been in the adoption process since January….Everything that we’ve “had” to do is NOW coming to a close. FINISHED, as of tomorrow which brings us to the “Waiting” stage. With the waiting stage brings the unknown….
I have so many questions in my mind….There’s so much that needs to happen…..So many decisions to make…..and yet I know nothing! When will it happen? What’s the gender? The age? Will we get grants? Will the money be provided? When will it be provided? Will I be at a wedding when we get the phone call? WHEN WILL IT BE?
I’m completely OUT of control. I KNOW NOTHING! I’ve never had to trust this much before…..Am I trusting? Do I believe? What exactly do I believe?
My mind is everywhere! I feel almost like I’m having a mild panic attack in my mind….it’s racing 1000 miles a minute. I can’t stop thinking…..
Then I think my life….our journey…..our wants and desires…..This is what we want-What we’ve prayed for. Everything so far has worked out and been perfect even our pain. For awhile I drowned in the rain[in my pain], then the Lord changed my heart and I was able to drop my umbrella for awhile and just dance in the rain. I’ve gotten so comfortable here….Am I really saying that? I’m happy in the rain….Not completely, but I have been happy at times….I’ve had joy through the pain. What’s it like to step out? What will the next step be like?
Am I making any sense? I feel like I’m rambling and maybe I am. Maybe this post is all for me to get everything out……
Then I read Hebrews 11 and my heart while still racing, is at peace.
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
17By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring[b] will be reckoned."[c] 19Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death.
29By faith the people passed through the Red Sea[d] as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.
30By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.