whooooo hoooooooo.....

That's what my dad says anytime something good happens! Well, I have GREAT news! I have reached a milestone...a VERY HARD one! For the last 3 months I have continued to loose inches BUT NOT pounds. I have been fighting and fighting to break 160! My current weight when we got married was 155 and that's my first goal. Yesterday, I weighed 158.4!!!

WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO! 3.4 pounds to go for my first goal!

miley is a mess....

Where to even begin...Miley is a MESS! She makes me laugh at least 3 times a day. She has the personality of a person..She loves for you to play with her, and at times tries to get you too. If I'm not paying her any attention, she will go find a sock, my underwear, or whatever she can find that she knows she's NOT supposed to have...Once she gets it, she will walk right by me with her head down BUT her tail wagging....She knows what she's doing! She hates to get in trouble! If I pop her on the butt for something, she has to come get me to try to rub her OR even jump in my lap. She can't stand getting fussed at!

She loves laying under my office desk while I work....If you mention the word goldfish, she knows she's getting a treat[even if it's not goldfish.] That's her word for treats. If you say the word WALK, she's at the door. She loves going in her kennel at night and sometimes will even go before we are ready for bed. She sleeps ALL the time! 

My favorite thing to see her do is play with her bone. If I try to grab it, she PLAYFULLY growls. She loves playing this game...What makes me laugh though, is the closer I pull her to me the louder the growl gets. She sounds like a car parked and someone is pressing the gas. Kaz took this video last night[it's only 40 seconds]. 

she jumped out of my arms...

 yawning...always sleepy!

 I let her lick the top of the bbq sauce bottle before I threw it out! She LOVED it! Yes, it was AFTER I USED IT! :)

she made a mess in her kennel and tore up her pillow! She's NOT getting a new one!

 After she got in trouble yesterday, she jumped in my lap! The Mac camera caught this:)

She's getting ready to spend a few weeks at my parents house while we go on vacation. I sometimes think she likes my dad more than us! She is my company throughout most days, since I'm at home AND I love it! 

headless horseman and Boone hall....

This past Saturday, I had a wedding at Boone Hall Plantation. Boone Hall is my ALL TIME, MOST FAVORITE PLACE in Charleston. I absolutely LOVE it. I go there as often as I can to take pictures...BUT being there all day, and photographing a wedding was honestly one of the best ways to spend a Saturday, not to mention the weather was gorgeous! 

I LOVE Boone Hall for so many reasons: the long dirt road with huge oak trees leading down the drive to the gorgeous house, the cotton dock on the marsh, the feel of the old time plantation, etc. You will never have to persuade me to go to Boone Hall...if the words are mentioned, I'm there. 

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Boone Hall was also where parts of the Notebook were filmed. As I tried looking for a specific scene from the movie to show you more of the plantation, I stumbled across this video...I thought it was really neat. A husband and wife did a video about their vacation where they went to all the places in Charleston that the notebook was filmed. What a fun little adventure! Looks like something I would do...:)

The wedding ended around 1030 Saturday night....I had a bit of a long walk back to my car down the old dirt road...THANKFULLY, my 2nd photographer Buddy was with me. I've never seen Boone Hall in this way, and to be honest I don't know that I ever want to see it again this way..[although, I should have taken a picture]. The place was COMPLETELY DARK, except for 1 tiny little light, shinning up on the house. It was something straight out of a haunted ghost movie! I felt like at any moment I would see the headless horseman coming down that dirt road....:) 

photo credit:

Buddy's no help...He, of course, tried to scare me BUT I tried to keep my calm. I don't like the dark ONE BIT. I will sleep with as many lights on at night as Kaz will let me:)

Even though it was creepy, I still enjoyed seeing Boone Hall at night. It's an incredible place and I really want to take my parents to visit next time they are here. It's gorgeous! SO, if you've never been, you should DEFINITELY GO! AND you should watch the Notebook...it's a classic:) 

being real....

The WHOLE reason I started this blog was to be real...honest...and hopefully to touch the lives of other women struggling through infertility. Sometimes being real is scary...but for me writing is much easier than actually talking to someone about my feelings. SO, what I’m about to post is me being REAL. I’m in NO WAY writing it for people to feel sorry for me, or even to hurt for me...I’m writing it because I have to be real with myself. My mom reads my blog everyday[she’s the best!] but I always hesitate when I write hard stuff because I never want her to hurt for me..or cry. So mom, please don’t cry:) I love you!

I have had a very hard time this week with the adoption...After we found out everything last Thursday and Friday, I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. That’s not me at all...I normally want to talk to people BUT this time I didn’t. The only people that I talked to besides Kaz, was my mom and Liz. All other communication was through text or email with other friends. If I’m honest, I still haven’t wanted to talk about it...The story itself is really sad. We had a very close relationship with the birth mom and really got to know and care for her. When Kaz and I knew last weekend that we would go back on the waiting list, I was completely, 100% scared out of my mind. This is the reason: I had NO CONTROL. At least with us knowing the baby was due in June, we had control over our schedule. We knew June was the date. I kept telling Kaz, lets wait until after our Vegas trip before we go back on the list. He asked me why...My reasoning, because I had no control. The thought that we could get a phone call at anytime, really really scared me. This week, just the opposite. I would trade Vegas or any other plans,any day for a baby...

Yesterday, I bought some diapers like I have every week when I grocery shop. When I buy them, I see the picture on the front and it brings up emotions BUT what really gets me each week, is when I have to put those diapers in the empty nursery. Kaz and I have had the nursery door closed for months now. We only go in there when we need to. Granted, all the doors are closed in the house when Miley is loose, but that door ALWAYS stays shut. I’ve been thinking lately about “preparing” the diaper bag. Especially now that we are on the waiting list, I thought it might be a good idea. BAD IDEA....I can’t tell you how much I cried after putting everything in that bag. I cried for a couple hours yesterday...I just couldn’t stop. I’m NOT mad at the way anything has happened. I’m NOT running from the Lord. I’m NOT angry, but I do hurt...I am sad.. I imagine the way that Kaz and I feel in a sense, is the same way someone feels whose had a miscarriage later in their pregnancy. We didn’t carry that child physically, but we were apart of every doctors visit. We heard the heartbeat for the first time with the mom...We saw all the little tiny parts of the baby with the mom....We have prayed for this baby everyday since we found out...We have prayed for this mom and cried over her hurt in life....We in a sense, have had a loss. It’s been very sad. BUT I am trying to move on. Neither Kaz nor I, regret the last 3 months...We haven’t once questioned the last 3 months...The only way I can explain how, is the Lord. He truly has given us both a peace. BUT I do question the timing...I question when will it happen now? I question why we have to keep waiting....

I talked with Kaz last night about why he thought we have kept the nursery door shut. We both had the same reasons...It’s just easier. It’s the same reason I haven’t talked to anyone about what’s been going on...It’s just easier....The same reason, I’ve left all the ultrasound pictures in the car from last week’s appointment...It’s just easier....

I’m beginning to see, that the Lord doesn’t care about whats easy...Obviously, there is a plan in all of this. Nothing in me, wants to wait...BUT WAITING I MUST....It won’t do me any good to run from this...I have learned that. 

So today, I’m “trying” to put an end to some of those things that seem “easier”....I’m opening the nursery door and walking inside and praying for the baby we will one day have....

I got the ultrasound pictures out of the car and am putting them away....

And I finally talked to a friend about what has been going on...I may cry 100 times a day, but thats ok. Without HOPE, my soul would die. I refuse to let that happen...I’m going to fight, instead of run....

I’ve mentioned several times that this blog is my journal. I’ve printed out the first year of my post into a book. It just so happened that the 1 year mark, was the same day that we found out about the baby. I wrote a letter describing everything that happened..I didn’t want to forget anything.. I read this letter yesterday...It’s the last page of my blog book. I have also avoided that book because of that one post...BUT I’m not ashamed of it. It simply wasn’t meant to be...That I know...Just like the party. Even though plans were made, decorations and candy were bought..it just simply wasn’t meant to be. No one except Kaz and Liz have seen these pictures or letter, but it’s my way of moving on. It’s not easy for me to share. I have cried the whole time I’ve written this post, BUT I do want to remember days like today because I’m fighting AND I KNOW THAT MY GOD IS FAITHFUL. HIS PLAN IS PERFECT AND ONE DAY SOON I WILL SEE THAT...

pictures we took as decorations for the party...

 the day we heard the heartbeat, the baby was the size of an avocado...

The day I found out about you...[the letter I wrote]

The day I found out about you was one of the happiest days of my life! I woke up[at my parents house], spent time with dad and miley, and ran 6 miles in Hartsville. 

Before heading back to Charleston, dad and I went to Wal-Mart and ate a sub at subway. 

Driving back to Charleston, I kept dreading the holidays because it was another year that we would be childless. I got a call from Kaz, saying that Bethany had sent out a recruitment email and the baby was perfect, however there were a lot of legal risk involved. Once again, I got down and wondered when we would ever get to hold you in our arms. 

I made a few stops on the way home by Target and Wal-Mart. Once I got home, I had to catch up on the tv that I had missed the last few days. I started watching, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, when I got a phone call from Kaz. He said that our social worker had sent him an email and asked if we could talk sometime that day. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up. I thought, surely she’s just wanting to talk about the recruitment email. I kept thinking about it, and finally I stopped and prayed that the Lord would guard my heart and allow his plan to prevail. After 20 minutes of waiting, Kaz called me back and told me about you. 

He said that your mom wanted the best for you. She knew that she couldn’t provide that for you. He said that she had chosen us to take care of you. That she was 8 weeks pregnant and you were due June 16, 2011. My heart couldn’t have been any happier. 

I wanted to know all the details....Your dad and I both have been waiting so long to hear something about you, to meet you, to tell everyone we know about you. I was so happy that I wanted to call and tell everyone I knew. So many people have been praying for you....

After talking to your dad, I prayed for you and your mom. I was so anxious to see Kaz that I wanted him to come home right then! We both agreed not to tell anyone until he got home, BUT I couldn’t wait! I called Anne. I told her everything! She started crying because she was so happy to meet you soon.

As soon as Kaz got home, we talked about you. We were so happy. We called Cy, Peter, Emily, my mom and dad. We couldn’t wait to tell them! We had to go drop off a U-Haul right down the street, so on our way we stopped by sonic and ordered a route 44 peach tea to celebrate you! 

That night we had previously made plans to eat dinner at Moes with our close group of friends[and community group]. We had always talked about how we wanted to meet them for dinner at Moes the night we found out about you. The Lord worked those plans out perfectly! On the way to Moes, I called Blythe, Liz, Pam, and Helen. Everyone cried when I told them...they were so happy. When we got to Moes, it was hard not to say anything at first. We wanted everyone to be there! Once everyone got there food and sat down at the table, Kaz asked if he could pray. I could tell he was so excited but wanted to make sure everyone was listening. He told everyone about you. The table applauded with praise. Everyone was so happy. They have been praying for you for over 2 years. All night long, the questions kept coming about you. The joy and excitement from our friends was amazing! Before we left Moes, we took a few pictures to remember that special night. 

On the way home, I called Dawn and Baylis. Before we went to bed, we prayed for you and thanked the Lord for his blessings. We had been praying to have you by Christmas, and while we wanted to physically hold you in our arms we were comforted knowing that this was our first christmas as a family of 4. Even though you weren’t physically with us yet, you were alive. You were growing and would be with us soon. 

We love you sweet baby. We have cried and prayed for you so many times. The Lord has heard our cry. He has blessed us. AND we can’t wait until that special day when we get to meet you. Boy or girl[although I know you will be a girl], it doesn’t matter. You are our baby[on loan for awhile]. We promise to love you, provide for you, tell you all about Jesus, laugh with you, cry with you, and most importantly pray with you. 

Until we meet you-

Love, 

Mom and Dad[and sweet Miley]

Just as I wrote in this letter, and I prayed the Lord would guard my heart and His plan prevail...I can honestly say that He has/and is doing this. The last 2 weeks show me that. You see, by me being real, what REALLY is happening, is the Lord showing me His faithfulness in my life.....

2 Thess 3:3

For the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you....

I'm not cheap, I promise....

My NEW favorite thing to do is coupon...I LOVE getting the sunday paper, and LOVE sitting down on Tuesday afternoons to plan out my Wed morning shopping trip.

This past week, I did the best I have done yet for what I got! Since I've been doing this a few weeks now, my stockpile has gotten pretty big! This week, I didn't buy any meat or produce because we still have a good amount of meat in the freezer and we had some carrots and kiwi left over from last week. 

A little about my planning....

I have a binder where I keep all of my coupons..I have a clear insert for each week. When I get Red Plum, Smart Source, and P & G inserts out of the Sunday paper, I immediately put them in the week they belong. 

On Tuesdays, I go to a couple places including coupons.com and Target to look at all the printable coupons. Once I print those out, I place them in the envelopes they would go in.

I follow Southern Savers...On Tuesday afternoons Jenny list the deals for Publix. I go through, look at what I need or will use, see what coupons I have, and write those items down on a piece of paper with the price. Once I finish going through her list, I create a printable grocery list from her site so that I know when I go into Publix, I can see exactly the products I need to get instead of looking through all of my coupons. By writing down the prices, I'm able to see how much I will end up spending with the coupons.

SO this week, was a GREAT week! Kaz usually takes soup, sandwiches, sometimes left overs[BUT he likes to eat those for breakfast so he doesn't have any left for lunch], etc for lunch. This week was great as far as soups!

Here's what I got:

Stuff Bought

[2] 84 pack BOXES of Pampers Diapers[FOR 2 BOXES OF THESE AT WAL-MART It's $50. I got 2 boxes + 2 pampers wipes(for free) for $28.98]

[5] packs of Huggies & Pampers Wipes

[20] Cans of Progessive Soup

[4] Containers of Progressive Chicken Broth

[4] boxes of Betty Crocker Brownie Mix

[4] containers of Bertolli Alfredo Sauce

[1] Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup

[2] Reese Cups

[1] Dawn Dish Liquid

[4] Ball Park Franks

[4] Packs of Sargento Cheese[I got these for .50 each!]

Total Bill at Publix: $167.29

Total Spent  at Publix: $68.63

Total Savings Today at Publix: $$98.66

I went to Wal-Mart and checked all the prices AND IF I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THIS AT WAL-MART THE TOTAL WOULD HAVE BEEN: $147.32

If Kaz took 1 soup a day to work, that would be enough for a whole month ALTHOUGH that won't happen, so I expect those soups will last about 2 months. I shouldn't have to buy chicken brothe and brownie mix for a good couple of months! I understand the stockpile now:)

So, I also tried out CVS this week...I've been skeptical and overwhelmed but I tried it! Worked out great!

Here's what I got:

[2] Colgate sensitive toothpaste[the only kind I can use] for $2.79 each and got back $7.58 in Extra Care Bucks.

[1] Lady Speed Stick Deo for $2 and I got $2 in Extra Care Bucks

Total Spent $7.40, ECB $9.78

I've already planned out next weeks trip to CVS...Here's what it looks like.

[2] Cologate Total toothpaste[Kaz's uses this kind]. $2 each with coupon, and I get $4 ECB. So my ECB will go down to $5.78 + the $4 I get from this trip so I will walk away spending $ZERO and still have $9.78 in ECB!

I NOW LOVE CVS!

AND LASTLY....Kaz and I had dinner with our good friends The Schuermann's last night over in Mount Pleasant, so before we left I decided to check out Harris Teeter's deals[since we don't have one close to us].

Here's what I got:

[2] Chi Chi's salsa[$.49 for both]

[1] Kraft single cheese[FREE]

[2] Green Giant frozen veggies[FREE]

[2] Heft Storage bags[$2.99]

Total Bill $20

Spent $4

SAVED $16

Can't beat that...ALTHOUGH, I personally like Publix better than Harris Teeter. The one that I went to was very tricky on what was on sale and what wasn't. For instance, they advertised Nestle Tollhouse Ultimate Cookie Dough for $1.99[No specification on what kind]. BUT in the store it was only the white macadamia nut. All the others were $3.98! Tricky...

SO I do love couponing now, and wish I would have started a long time ago. My goal now is to stay under $50 a week for groceries and CVS. I think I can do it:)

If you have any favorite couponing sites, tips, etc. I would love to see them!

pitiful....

I honestly can't believe this happened.....I'm shocked! I'm in pretty good shape, run 4-5 a week, etc...

I did 8 MINUTES, yes that's it, 8 MINUTES of Ab ripper X[P90X] on Monday before my run. I'm used to doing abs, just not these abs. 

I was sore yesterday BUT NOT IN MY ABS....A muscle[something beside the hip flexor] was sore [right where my hip and leg connects]...

Yesterday, I ran thinking it would help but as the day went on, I got sorer and sorer AND it got harder and harder to move!

Last night, I could hardly sleep....I couldn't lay on my back with my feet straight, turning back and forth about killed me and today I'm walking like THIS:

photo credit

Actually, walking this way feels the best! I can't believe HOW SORE I am...AND it's NOT even in my abs! Kaz told me to stretch, stretch, stretch today...He said DO NOT run. I should be relieved but I think I would rather run than stretch! HaHa!

HOPEFULLY, this thing passes quickly! It's about to kill me. I think, I WILL NOT be doing ab ripper X again for awhile and WILL stick to my NORMAL routine!

quirky quirks....

I love Betty White!

My favorite time to eat Rice crispy treats are when they are hot!

Since working from home, I wear my pjs all day unless I have to go somewhere.

I lure Miley in from outside with a trail of goldfish, EVERYDAY.

I'm just like a baby... I fight sleep. At night, I lay in bed and look on Facebook, ENews, play tetris, etc. until I'm bored and have to go to sleep. Once I'm out, I'm out!

I don't use the dishwasher... Ours works perfectly fine but I like to hand wash the dishes... Weird, I know!

I'm always thinking of planning a trip. I plan at least 2-3 a week in my mind.

I have become out of shape since the half marathon. I struggle to run 3 miles now!

My hair determines how I feel about myself. I make it curly when I'm in a hurry and end up hating it... If I wear it in a ponytail, I have to somehow cover the back of my neck. I don't like it...

My new favorite show is Teen Mom. I'm amazed at these girls... If only they could see they have so much potential.

I don't answer phone numbers I don't know... But as soon as they stop calling, I look the # up on the iPhone app numbers.

I have to organize the refrigerator at least once a week. Everything has to be in it's place!

I double and triple check everything...the oven, things that have been plugged in, and the door. Then after I've checked, I ask kaz too...

Getting the Sunday paper has now become one of my favorite things thanks to the coupons!

I am horrible at spelling and grammar[if you haven’t already noticed on this blog!]. Kaz always corrects my English...The main word is cents. I say 25 cent...I also thought for the longest time that “learnt” was a word. I used it in several of my English papers in college until my professor finally corrected me!

It’s rare that I drink water, lemonade, soda, out of a regular glass at home. I’m obsessed with glasses and buy them even though I don’t need them. It’s not uncommon to find me drinking diet coke out of a wine glass or lemonade out of a martini glass even when company is over!

When I go home to visit my parents or make a trip to Columbia, I will not stop to use the bathroom unless I absolutely have too...I usually carry a drink with me on the road and an hour into it have to go. Instead of stopping, I hold it, and torture myself the whole way. Why? I have no idea....

I often eat horrible things for breakfast including ice cream bars or now my new latest trend 100 calorie Mister Salty Chocolate Pretzels...Great nutrition for breakfast huh?

I asked Kaz if he could think of anymore quirky quirks and he said, “Miss, that about sums it up. You are one priceless, perfect, one-of-a-kind lady:)” He’s a sweety!

Do any of these quirky quirks sound like you, or am I completely CRAZY? 

a different kind of valentines...

I'm always thinking of different picture ideas for Valentines Day, other holidays, etc to send to Kaz and my parents because I know it will make them laugh. This year, I had to do something really good and funny! So this is what I came up with...HaHa!

Now, don't think I dress Miley up everyday because I do not! I'm in no way being serious when I do it, it's only for fun! BUT she LOVES it! This dog could wear costumes EVERYDAY and be perfectly happy. It's the CRAZIEST thing I've ever seen! One Halloween I bought her a hotdog costume that I got for $2. Anytime I would pull it out, not just her tail would start wagging, but her whole back side would start twisting! She's an interesting one that Miley!

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day!

a canceled party & adoption update....

Kaz and I found out back in November that a birth mom had selected us! She is due in June...The last 3 months have been a whirlwind of emotions...Everything seemed to be working out perfectly! We were able to go with her to all of her doctors appointments...We heard the babies heartbeat for the first time with her, and this past Wed we found out the gender of the baby...a little boy. We have kept this a secret for several reasons...One being the birth mom could change her mind at any time..

After each appointment, Liz and Todd have met us for lunch to hear all the details and celebrate...

For a few weeks, I have had planned a gender reveal party for our family and close friends. It has been such an exciting time...

Wed night after the appointment, Kaz and I both started feeling like something was wrong....something didn't seem right. On Thursday and Friday, we found out the birth mom is no longer sure if she wishes to continue down the adoption path. We will be going back on the waiting list tomorrow...

It's been a sad weekend...I'm not going to lie. BUT we both have a peace from the Lord that this is His plan. We felt called down the path with this birth mom and BOTH said the day we got the phone call that if she did change her mind, then it was a step that the Lord wanted us to go through to bring us closer to our baby. We have invested a lot of our heart, emotions, time, etc with the birth mom over the last few months and we have truly enjoyed getting to know her...It's sad, but we know the Lord has a plan. We ARE GOING TO FIGHT to trust that this is a part of it.

The party would have been incredible...I had tons of candy! I had planned to have a pink and blue table...I was very proud of the decorations so I wanted to post just a few pictures...

Keep praying for us...We are both excited but scared at the same time...

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a future.

on the road....

I'm on the road for the next few days...Charleston, Columbia, Charlotte, back to Charleston, back to Columbia, and then finally back home to Charleston! Busy, Busy, Busy BUT I get to see good friends AND meet my 2 newest cousins[twins]! I'll be back in a few days!