Do you ever just get to a point where you just want to give up? Where you’ve had enough? That was me last night….
It’ has been a very emotional time the last few days….I am realizing that I am a very selfish and jealous person….Not that I didn’t know that but was hit even harder with that last night
Lately, reality has hit that most of our friends are on baby #2 and we don’t have baby #1 yet. For so long I did really well with where we are at, but have been in fog the last 2 weeks. I honestly never thought that I would have to go through those emotions again. I never thought I wouldn’t have baby #1 and a friend call and tell me they are pregnant with #2. But as I’m starting to realize it’s a reality everything in me wants everyone’s world to stop except ours……
Walking through the adoption process hasn’t been easy, and we knew that the day would come for other couples that we are friends with before us but I never thought of how I would feel. I want everyone to have their desire and their child, I just want mine before them. On Monday, a couple that we know adopting got the news they are getting a sweet little girl. When I found out, I just started crying. I was happy for them, but couldn’t help but think why them? Why can’t it be us? We want it just as badly….
I have a almost fully decorated nursery and when I walk in it, it feels so far away. I used to think we were so close…now everything in me fights to even believe that.
Kaz and I both have been battling so many battles lately. It just seems like life has been so hard for us the past few months. While I say that, I know I’m blessed with my health and so many other things so I feel bad for even complaining but it’s the truth. Yesterday afternoon, I became so bitter and jealous towards someone who seems like they have the perfect life and a precious happy baby that I broke down crying and couldn’t hardly handle it. I’m happy with our life…I could care less about how much stuff we have, I just want a baby….a family…..That’s the part that gets me. I’m jealous of friends who have that. So after seeing how ugly my heart was, I decided to sit down and journal and really spend some time in the word. I know it’s a battle for everyone but knowing the truth and believing it are 2 different things…As I started journaling, I heard Kaz crying in the other room. It’s been a month since his mom passed away and it breaks my heart to see him hurt. So last night, at that moment I gave up. I completely shut my self off to every possible feeling or emotion about where we are in our life…
It’s not right….and I hate that I did that…..and today I’m still struggling…..
How is it that I’m back at the same place I was 8 months ago…..feeling hopeless…..
I know I’m not alone in struggling in this way…..it just makes me sad that I’m in this place…..I’m praying today for belief and hope. What about you? Where are you on this temporary journey?
Here is the promise I’m trying to proclaim today….
To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;
A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;
A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;
A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.