Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Struggling…..

Do you ever just get to a point where you just want to give up? Where you’ve had enough? That was me last night….

It’ has been a very emotional time the last few days….I am realizing that I am a very selfish and jealous person….Not that I didn’t know that but was hit even harder with that last night

Lately, reality has hit that most of our friends are on baby #2 and we don’t have baby #1 yet. For so long I did really well with where we are at, but have been in fog the last 2 weeks. I honestly never thought that I would have to go through those emotions again. I never thought I wouldn’t have baby #1 and a friend call and tell me they are pregnant with #2. But as I’m starting to realize it’s a reality everything in me wants everyone’s world to stop except ours……

Walking through the adoption process hasn’t been easy, and we knew that the day would come for other couples that we are friends with before us but I never thought of how I would feel. I want everyone to have their desire and their child, I just want mine before them. On Monday, a couple that we know adopting got the news they are getting a sweet little girl. When I found out, I just started crying. I was happy for them, but couldn’t help but think why them? Why can’t it be us? We want it just as badly….

I have a almost fully decorated nursery and when I walk in it, it feels so far away. I used to think we were so close…now everything in me fights to even believe that.

Kaz and I both have been battling so many battles lately. It just seems like life has been so hard for us the past few months. While I say that, I know I’m blessed with my health and so many other things so I feel bad for even complaining but it’s the truth. Yesterday afternoon, I became so bitter and jealous towards someone who seems like they have the perfect life and a precious happy baby that I broke down crying and couldn’t hardly handle it. I’m happy with our life…I could care less about how much stuff we have, I just want a baby….a family…..That’s the part that gets me. I’m jealous of friends who have that. So after seeing how ugly my heart was, I decided to sit down and journal and really spend some time in the word. I know it’s a battle for everyone but knowing the truth and believing it are 2 different things…As I started journaling, I heard Kaz crying in the other room. It’s been a month since his mom passed away and it breaks my heart to see him hurt. So last night, at that moment I gave up. I completely shut my self off to every possible feeling or emotion about where we are in our life…

It’s not right….and I hate that I did that…..and today I’m still struggling…..

How is it that I’m back at the same place I was 8 months ago…..feeling hopeless…..

I know I’m not alone in struggling in this way…..it just makes me sad that I’m in this place…..I’m praying today for belief and hope. What about you? Where are you on this temporary journey?

Here is the promise I’m trying to proclaim today….
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.

18 comments:

Sabrina said...

Oh Amy, I'm so so sorry to hear the pain that you are going through. I would give ANYTHING to take that away from you for even a day. I know that words are starting to sound empty now but just know that I love you friend! In me you'll ALWAYS have an ear that is willing to listen to your struggles, a heart that hurts for you, and a shoulder that is readily available for you to rest your head upon and just cry! I love you and my prayers are with you and Kaz.

elizabeth said...

I don't have an answer to your "why" questions, just like I didn't and still don't to why it was a 9 year wait for my oldest daughter to have her little miracle. What I do have is some tears to mingle with yours, a prayer for you, and a hug sent via this comment.

BlueGrassandGreenTomatoes said...

I feel the same way sometimes, especially when someone close to my husband and I announce a pregnancy or post pictures from the hospital.

I feel like I'm in such a rush for something to happen because I know that if someone else, like my brother or sister or other close friends, announces pregnancy, I'll be miserable all over again.

It comes in waves, my friend. Be strong when you can and lean on God when you can't. You'll make it!

julie said...

I am sorry for this difficult season in your lives. We experienced a similiar season after losing our first child at birth and then a year long struggle to get pregnant again. That year was combined with three infertility procedures and lots of testing. It was by far the hardest time of our lives as we were grieving and wanting another child more than anything. God used this difficult season in our lives more than any other time to work in our lives. I would never want to go through it again but I am thankful for it now. Praying for you as you await God's plan and timing in your life. One thing that someone told me that really helped and I always remembered was...when you look inward you can get depressed...when you at others you become distressed..when you look to Jesus you can be at rest. Julie

Laura said...

Amy, I like no one else can give you the answers you are seeking. Oh how I wish I could but I wouldn't be being honest with you. I will tell you this I will continue to pray for you, Katz, and the baby you seek. I will pray for strength, continued courage, and a calming peace. I pray that god brings you these things and keeps a guiding hand on you.

julie said...

Praying for Amy.....I pray that one day in the future...when your children are in your arms, you can look back and see His gentle leading...even in these tought days.

mjellis said...

I am so sorry that you are in pain. I have not been through a situation like this, and won't even pretend to understand the hurt that you are going through, but I know that God will provide you a beautiful perfect baby in his time. I will pray for you and your husband.

And the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought. And you shall be like a watered garden. Isaiah 58:11

Life Happens said...

Doesn't it seem like life is cruel sometimes?! But rest assure, God is not cruel. He knows all and there is a purpose behind everything.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. It's tough when we want answers, but are only stuck with more questions. I pray that you and Kaz will find strength to continue on the joureny God has in store for you. I pray that He will make his plan known to you soon and your lives will be blessed.

T said...

Amy, I am so sorry for the place you feel you are in. It is terrible and completely unfair. If I could take away your pain and suffering I would gladly do that.

Right now I am in a good positive place only because I am in the middle of IVF. Had you asked me a couple months ago or after each miscarriage I would have said that I was an empty hole. It is amazing how God works and though we may not understand or agree I really do he has a plan for all of us. I just hope and pray that your plan is revealed very soon.

Cevallos Family said...

Hey Amy, While this is not a fun season for you guys, there is hope....even when you don't feel it!! I have struggled with feeling like there was none also, and just asked God to give me greater faith...because I was all out of it!!! I wish I could say I immediately felt better, but it was definitely a long road of Him increasing my faith, giving me greater hope, and teaching me what it means to rely on Him for my hope, and joy! I am not really there yet, but can say that it has gotten easier... (and did get easier even before we got the girls!!) Please know I am praying for you!!!!!

Dawn - "Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

Wish I could be there to give you a hug....or just cry with you. Darker times creep up on us when we don't expect it. Praying that God will show you the way through. Praying for peace to surround you....

Melissa's Thoughts said...

Thank you for being so real with us. And I know that there is nothing that I can say that 1. You don't ready know and 2. would help you get through this. Pray is the best thing and I will be praying for you. Trust God and his timing and it WILL make since in the end.

jenn said...

amy i am so sorry for the pain you are going through!

i know that my words might sound empty b/c you've heard it all before but, KNOW that the Lord's timing is PERFECT!!! just perfect for you, your hubby & your baby to be.

HE has created you two for a very special baby...just you wait and see!!!

keep trusting HIM!!!

remember this is only a season and the 'hope' in that is that seasons pass!!!

bless you!

linds said...

I was in that very same season of life for two whole years. You feel so alone and it's the worst pain ever. I lost a lot of friendships bc my heart simply couldn't bear to be around them and their little families. Praying for you to get out of this phase I know it's an awful burden to carry. Praying God gives you the peace you need right now!

Allyson said...

Praying for you Amy! I know this journey isn't easy. Take heart friend, there is a time for everything and your time of joy will come soon.

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

praying for you. i know eventually your tears and sadness will be replaced by the sweet cry of a beautiful baby. one day! i can't wait for the day!

Faith said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. I can completely relate and have had these same feelings, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Praying that the God of all comfort would be near to you right now.

Indy said...

I can relate to what you have been feeling. It really seems unfair but ultimately God knows best and someday we will understand it all. Until now we have to keep going on this blind journey called faith.

Praying for you today Amy.