Well, I made it back from NYC! The trip was so much fun! I promise to post some pictures as soon as I upload them from my camera!
The last week or two have been really hard. I don’t really know why other than the fact that I’m just ready to have a child. I’m ready for the next stage and I have no idea when that will happen. I’ve honestly felt really bad lately about where my thoughts are because that’s ALL I’ve been thinking about. Even in NYC, I couldn’t get past it. I had fun but the minute I started thinking about getting back to normal life I just got sad.
2 weeks ago, our closest friends who we met through Bethany got placed with a sweet little boy. That alone should give me encouragement and hope, but it hasn’t. I’ve continually thought about myself and how it’s still not happening for us. I don’t really like talking about it anymore with friends because I don’t want them to think that’s all I have to talk about it, but it’s our life right now. We’re in the waiting stage…..
I know the truth, but applying it is a different thing. I’ve heard so many encouraging stories but that’s just it-They are stories.-Not mine….
I keep thinking that the adoption will happen soon but I’m not guaranteed that. Every time Kaz calls me, I automatically think he’s gotten a phone call from Bethany. I honestly don’t know how to deal with myself right now….I wish I could be focused on something other than me. I’m tired of being sad because again it’s about me. I’m trying so hard to fight this but I fail miserably every day.
Have you ever felt this way before? What are ways that you actively apply the truth to your daily lives?
13 comments:
You are so not alone. I feel the exact same way. Waiting is so hard. Especially when you know that you're ready right now. I've been working on various projects around the house to occupy my time. Lots of painting, etc. Hopefully time flies. My thoughts are with you!
I struggle a lot with selfishness, too. I know you probably know these things, but make physical lists of blessings. The more you list - the more you list!
Also turning my attention to helping someone else helps me forget about myself and remember how blessed I truly am.
I also learned that a child will not complete me - only Jesus can do that. I have the same struggles as before, only now I have them plus a child to care for. It takes tons of prayer and time in The Word. And for me no t.v. and magazines - those just add to the discontent.
Like I said, though, this is me. Hoping my struggles can help you - I hope this doesn't come across as negative towards you! It's hard when the person on the other end can't see a smile, love and humility.
I get restless to the point where I can't concentrate on anything else except the one thing that's making me restless, but I have to keep myself busy not to think about it. I will work late, schedule meetings, run errands, plan things with my husband... anything but sitting down and relaxing, because my head starts to go crazy. I hope you get some relief soon and that things start looking up!
Oh girl, I know exactly how you feel!! I promise, the wait will end!! I can remember not wanting to talk to anyone because I just knew they were going to ask me about it and it would just lead to me thinking about it more! The struggles will continue, but you already know that. The Lord didn't promise that we wouldn't struggle through this life, so I've found that looking back at the ways He's worked in my life have been most encouraging for me! When I can look back at situations that I didn't understand at the time, and can now see why it happened that way, or how the Lord molded me a little more through them, I'm so encouraged! Go make a timeline of your entire life and the way the Lord has worked in your life and it will help!! Like Jennifer said, children don't fix any of our sin and struggles(trust me on this one : ). We'll keep praying that you grow in this time of waiting and that you can find a way to rest in the Lord and His perfect timing!
You definitely are not alone.. while I can't relate, I know plenty who can. Stay strong.
I dealt with this after I had my first miscarriage. I couldn't think of anything else except for "why". I researched, investigated, read about and learned everything about miscarriage. At one point, I just looked at how deep I had sunk into my misery and knew I had to get out. I threw myself into work and photography. I prayed... a lot. And then I prayed some more. Focus on what is good in your life. I know it is so easy to write and so hard to do, but hang in there!
I will be praying for you. I know for me when I am consumed with myself I have to take some time to meet the needs of some one else.
Oh girl yes! People would tell me ALL the time about other people trying to have a child or adopt and then how they were finally successful. They always say, see it will happen to you. Or doesnt that make you feel good?
So yes I do feel good for others that have struggled....but seriously...it is still not me...so no really not feeling better by your story...thanks
I often felt very selfish, but I think it really is normal. Do not beat yourself up over it. You are not going through all of this to adopt babies for other couples. You are on this journey for each other so...yes it is about you!
I pray constantly for strength for peace and when I saw constantly I mean it! Waiting is the hardest part indeed! Although we will hopefully be adopting #2 in the next year I already think about him/her praying for them daily sometimes moment by moment!
Hang in there and thanks for sharing your journey!
This post breaks my heart because I remember that season of life like it was yesterday, and yet it feels like forever ago at the same time. I felt completely selfish and all-consumed at various different seasons of my infertility journey. I tried to be "happy". I tried to pray. I tried to stay busy. I tried to avoid baby showers. I tried to avoid life. I felt like I was just holding on by my fingernails and I was totally surviving at times until I got my baby and then my life could begin. I also felt more discouraged for some reason every time I heard other people's great and exciting news. It just felt like one more person getting their dream and me still feeling all alone. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to someone in this state - even for people who have lived through it. God knows you. He knows your needs, your desires, your limits and your ability to learn and trust in Him. Keep praying and seeking Him as you wait. Stay busy as your other friends have said and strive to be "content in any and all situations" that God puts you in. (A hard thing - trust me, I know). All I know is that I felt hopeless and desperate one second and my phone rang the next. Who knows how your story will play out, but you do have one and God is orchestrating it this very day. A hug is coming from me to you. Shoot me a note if you ever want to chat.
i miss you! i'll be calling you soon. i echo mrs. jennifer's comment. i like her advice...it was a good reminder to me that only Jesus can complete. praying for you always.
For me my little boy started having medical problems at about 6 weeks... and it snowballed from there... he is 8 now and still a medical mystery... it took me years to find a place where I was not consumed... I just had to keep going back to my verses about being Thankful in ALL circumstances .. eventually I was able to apply it to my worried brain/heart... it was easy with other stuff in life... but the child worry was harder!~ It is a strong desire... don't be too hard on yourself... =) Painting a room always helps me too! Want to come repaint my house for me?! =)
I found a link to your blog at Filled with Praise.
My husband and I are adopting and I so could have written this post myself. The same thing happened to us. Our friends - who we met thru Bethany - got matched about 10 days ago.
I hope you get "the call" soon!!
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